Revisiting my old self

Oft I have felt that since my beta finally rose and doubled and has produced a 28 week gestation to date, that I have not had anything thoughtful or even well thought out to say/write. Pregnancy brain is a real phenomenon...and my old brain is no longer recognizable.

I promised I would never complain with pregnancy symptoms and have had to eat my words on many occasions. I don't think I'm really complaining, but R has said that when I think I am "stating" that my back hurts...that it sounds more like a whine or...gasp...complaint. I recently "stated" to my mom that this whole pregnancy thing is somewhat comparable to all of the waiting we suffered through trying to get pregnant. I don't mean it like that...it's much more bearable waiting. It's a nicer wait...I know, with reasonable assurance, that this time next year my little butterbean will be laughing and crawling and melting my heart every chance she gets. This wait is by far, the best wait of my life. BUT....(there's always a but, ya know!), it's like being 5 and waiting on Christmas. It's a slow 40 weeks. I'm ready to see that sweet face...to see if she has R's perfect feet and his more tan complexion, compared to my very rosy complexion. I wonder if she'll have curly hair, brown or blonde, what color her eyes will be, what her fingernails will look like. I can't stand it I want to meet her so badly!

While I am so very impatiently waiting on this perfect little being to enter our life, my good friend is waiting, seemingly more patiently than me, on her first beta after her first IVF. I tried to convince her to make them see her today...but she goes in tomorrow morning. For the most part, I've been successful in blocking out the most miserable of the 2 week waits, but her wait has felt more like my own than I imagined possible. I pray for her and for this to be the only IVF cycle she ever suffers through.

I was searching through some old emails today and stumbled across an email from my first IVF of 2009. I wrote:

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, w e are devastated and praying for a miracle.

Thank you all so much for you love and friendship.

It makes me cry reading it now. It amazes me how far we've traveled in 3 and a half years. Notice I don't say "how far we've come" - it doesn't seem like we actually went anywhere, but took a huge detour that did finally take us to the next step of our lives that we'd been seeking. Instead of going directly straight to that next step, I feel our path was more of a U shaped street that we somehow got lost on and finally made it back to the original road we intended to be on the whole time...only about 1 footstep ahead of where we were detoured to begin with.

While my pregnancy brain typically only allows me to think in bullet points or facebook statuses, this email provoked the old me that I thought I'd been missing. Sorry friends, I'll take bullet points any day over the agony of the journey that led me to these status update thoughts.

My heart will always know the agony of IF...and I know I will have days that take me back to the nightmare that was our life for 3 years for the rest of my life. Today, I'll relish the fact that we did finally make it that one step that took 30 months.

This is the first time, since discovering our wait had a due date, that I've felt like my blog was still viable. I've really struggled with not having much to say and feeling that what I did have to say was no longer relevant. I welcome these thoughtful days, but I'm really looking forward to staying in my bullet point/facebook status brain for the next several months.

Insert Post Title Here...

It's Friday and I'm so glad!!! It's been a long week - busy, busy. Tomorrow I have my first shower...and I'm soooo excited!!! R and I finished painting stripes in Butterbean's room last night (below the chair rail that is yet to be put up :)). It looks super cute. We did pink on pink...just a super glossy on top of regular paint. I'm really excited about it.

I met Murgdan and Amy for dinner this week with a girl friend who isn't a blogger. She started her first IVF cycle this week...and I'm so excited for her. It's so weird...you do all this to get pregnant, and then, once you are - it's a LOT of waiting. Don't get me wrong...I'd much rather wait with a baby in utero than still be trying to get pregnant...but, it's hard to make the transition from daily/weekly (feeling like hourly) doctor appointments, shots, protocols, etc. to waiting 4 weeks in between appointments and having nothing really to do during that time. The time seems to be passing us by more quickly with each week of this pregnancy and it seems like I was just at the OB and we go again next week. Anyway, I was soooo thrilled that my friend could finally get on the roller coaster that is IVF. She's had several set backs with endometriosis and has been patiently just waiting for almost 6 months. I really hope she's a one hit wonder.

Bottoms Off had a post this week called the Colors of Infertility. It really resonated with me and I've been thinking about it for a few days. She says,"So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"" That statement really took me back to some of our darkest days. The negative pregnancy test white is one of the most difficult images I've had to process time and time again.

Our struggles with IF consumed 30 months of our life...and now, at 25 weeks gestation, it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. Some days, I feel like taking a pregnancy test again just to see that 2nd line. The positive pregnancy test pink lines, if a paint color, would be called 'most perfect pink' in my world.

I'm so overjoyed that the IF chapter of my life seems to be behind me, but I have already been planning what we will do for child #2. How far will I take it? Can I survive IVF with a child at home? Do I *want* to survive IVF again with a child at home? It seems this infertile can only look forward so far...because I even said the other night...maybe 1 child will be enough. Maybe I want to spare myself the heartache of negative pregnancy test white for the rest of my life.

Here is to hoping all of my IF sisters get a 'most perfect pink' sighting in the near future.

How am I?

I am copying the idea of this post from my good friend, Murgdan!

My girlfriend called me the other day and said, "Um...you need to either email me pictures of your growing tummy or update your blog. I have a lot of prayer investment in this baby!" It was so sweet!!! We are so truly blessed to have so many people who care about us and who have been praying and cheering us on through this difficult chapter in our lives.

So, no belly shots for your viewing pleasure...I just feel weird doing those! So, you ask - How am I? I'm good :) I'm 24 weeks today...that means 16 weeks to go! WOW! Saying 16 weeks to go seems like such a short time. That's less than 4 months. I must admit, I'm not positive I have really let this sink in.

R and my Mom have felt her kick - and of course, I feel her moving around all the time. It's a bizarre, wonderful feeling. It was really validating for my Mom and R to feel her - it made me feel like "Ok, I'm not making this up. Those aren't gas bubbles rolling around...that's really my kid...".


Yes, still crazy as ever here in my corner of the earth!!


I have my first shower this weekend! So exciting. It's kind of early, but with the holidays and all, I guess they just wanted to have it early. I have my outfit picked out and hair is freshly highlighted. I'm good to go.


I've only gained about 5 pounds through these 24 weeks...which I would think was odd, but I'd gained about 10 pounds leading up to this, so, I think I'm good. My tummy isn't huge, but it's starting to poke. I definitely only wear maternity clothes - my normal clothes wouldn't dare try to button over this belly. I'm pretty obsessed with looking at it, touching it, feeling her move.


We've been working on the nursery...it's pink, of course. (If you know me in real life, this color choice is clearly a no-brainer!). R is going to hang chair rail and is striping with glaze underneath the chair rail. Who knew measuring and taping off stripes would be such a lesson in patience??? We have an armoire and a changing table - we're doing black furniture. I still need to order the crib - that's on the list for next week.


Life is pretty good :) We're just waiting on this little girl and doing the best we can to make sure we've prepared properly by the time she arrives!

Half of this marathon is complete! And lost friends found.

I can't even believe it! 20 weeks down...20 to go. I still get a little crazy with worry, but not as bad as I have been. I'm beginning to believe this baby is real. Mom was able to scan the U/S picture she has and she sent it to me today. In the U/S, Butterbean is waving her hand - it's like a hand print. I cried. That little hand represents so many hopes and dreams, tears and struggles. I can't wait to meet her! She sent it to me as a PDF, so the attachment won't upload.

I must admit, I'm a little bit of a facebook stalker. I like that I can keep up with people and not really have to putout any effort. LAZY...LOSER. I know. You can spare me my feelings though with the name calling :). So, today, on facestalker...er...facebook, I found my teacher from the 4th grade. It was her first year teaching and it was my first year at a new school. We had one of those "favorite student" relationships that other people hate (and, one day I'll be annoyed if someone is the favorite in my child's class...unless it's her :)). I totally adored her. I was convinced that she needed to marry my uncle so that she would always be a part of my life.

Although we lost touch, I always kept her in my heart. I heard she married and divorced -no idea if that is true - and that she moved back to Florida. I know now that she is married with 2 little girls and lives in Florida. I don't know...maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe I just really loved her that much, but, it made me cry to find her. I hope the years have treated her well and that she is happy...and I hope that she remembers me as fondly as I remember her.

100th post & Blogoversary

WOW! I can't believe I missed my blogoversary!!! And, I'm at 100? Craziness. Never did I think the past year would have unfolded the way it did or that on both my 100th post and my blogoversary that I'd be 18 weeks pregnant with a healthy little girl.

I had always planned to do a 100 things list for this post...but, what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men??? I am just not in the creative mind set for listing 100 things about any topic!!! It's raining here in Atlanta, been raining for a week...flooding all over the state, schools cancelled, people totally freaking out, traffic jams, and the like. I know it's serious business, and I pray for those who have lost a loved one in this catastrophe...but, this girl is in DESPERATE need of some sunshine.

Friday's appointment went wonderful. I saw the DR at my OB that had told me a few years ago that I was young and healthy and that I've hated ever since...and he was, well, very nice. I've changed my opinion on him and if he is who delivers my butterbean, then, I know we'll be just fine. We heard the heartbeat (right away - no looking for this girl's heart!!) and I'll get the flu shot at my next appointment. I still haven't gained any weight and he said that my weight was perfect...so, I'm not worried about it. Then, my Mom met us and we went over to the perinatologist. Confirmed - we are having a GIRL...and...I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I'm so glad I didn't read all about it and get totally stressed out. I'm not being sarcastic...I really didn't read very much at all about it. I just let it go. The whole business of getting pregnant wasn't easy, and I certainly don't expect this pregnancy to be without drama...so, I really had just let it go. She will see me one more time and then release me from her care. I really didn't mind going to her - since we got an ultrasound each time and could make sure our kid wasn't doing anything crazy in there, but, I'm fine either way. We got some really good looks at little Miss - 10 fingers, 10 toes, her little hiney...she was moving like crazy...I wonder if that's an indication that we are gonna have one hyper kid?? It was nice and Mom enjoyed getting a glimpse at her Grand-daughter.

Next appointment is October 16th...and I'm trying not to go insane before then!!! My belly is starting to poke out there, so, I think once I get past this "puberty" stage of pregnancy (just looking kinda fat) and actually look pregnant and can for sure feel her (right now, I can sometimes feel her...other times I'm not sure if it's her or just things adjusting down there) I'll calm down. I do feel better after Friday...her heartbeat was really strong and she's measuring perfectly. The DR even said - this is one healthy baby. So, for now, I'm good...but give me a couple weeks and I'll probably start wigging out again :)

Random post for my 100th and blogoversary, but, you can probably tell, I'm just not in the mood this week. I don't think weather has ever affected me this way!!!

I'm still here...

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been pretty calm around here...2 sick dogs that are driving me nuts...but, we're good. They just have upset stomachs...so, hopefully, they'll be fine in another day or 2.

We have our next appointment a week from Friday...4 weeks in between appointments is HELL!! Now I know why people buy dopplers...I seriously considered it the other day.

I have what feels like never-ending nerve attacks...just worrying about if something could be wrong. Mom says I'm just being like Daddy and creating stuff to worry about. I just get scared that something might happen. I guess this is what the rest of my life will be like! Worrying about her! I better tell Archie to have the zol.of.t on an IV drip as soon as I have her - hahah. Kidding. Well...mostly....

We went ahead and registered because I have a shower on November 7th. That was so fun...but way overwhelming! Man, baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!! But, only the best for Butterbean, right? Yeah...

Hopefully, they were right about her being a girl...since pretty much everything we picked out is pink. R was so funny - he said- I don't want anyone to mistake her for a boy...because I'll have to kick their ass. LOVE IT! He's going to be so sweet with a baby. If she turns out to be a he...well, then, we'll just adjust and go back to the naming battlegrounds...which, by the way, we are almost out of...maybe. We are duke-ing it out over middle names at the moment, but hopefully, unless I change my mind again, we've settled on a first name. I'm not going to monogram anything just yet :) I think it'd be easier if their name was just tattooed on their foot or something...can't God send these miracles with a pre-filled out birth certificate like at Baby Land General????

Random post...it's just where I'm at today. Nervous/anxious to hear her heartbeat again...pretty much all consumed with fear that I won't hear it. Maybe I should go get one of those dopplers tonight....

I think I feel her moving...

Yesterday morning, I was barely awake and felt this knock, knock, knock right below my belly button. And, I thought...is that gas? But then I felt it again. And then 2 more times after that.

Ol' girl was just saying good morning to her momma!!

So exciting!