Insert Post Title Here...

It's Friday and I'm so glad!!! It's been a long week - busy, busy. Tomorrow I have my first shower...and I'm soooo excited!!! R and I finished painting stripes in Butterbean's room last night (below the chair rail that is yet to be put up :)). It looks super cute. We did pink on pink...just a super glossy on top of regular paint. I'm really excited about it.

I met Murgdan and Amy for dinner this week with a girl friend who isn't a blogger. She started her first IVF cycle this week...and I'm so excited for her. It's so weird...you do all this to get pregnant, and then, once you are - it's a LOT of waiting. Don't get me wrong...I'd much rather wait with a baby in utero than still be trying to get pregnant...but, it's hard to make the transition from daily/weekly (feeling like hourly) doctor appointments, shots, protocols, etc. to waiting 4 weeks in between appointments and having nothing really to do during that time. The time seems to be passing us by more quickly with each week of this pregnancy and it seems like I was just at the OB and we go again next week. Anyway, I was soooo thrilled that my friend could finally get on the roller coaster that is IVF. She's had several set backs with endometriosis and has been patiently just waiting for almost 6 months. I really hope she's a one hit wonder.

Bottoms Off had a post this week called the Colors of Infertility. It really resonated with me and I've been thinking about it for a few days. She says,"So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"" That statement really took me back to some of our darkest days. The negative pregnancy test white is one of the most difficult images I've had to process time and time again.

Our struggles with IF consumed 30 months of our life...and now, at 25 weeks gestation, it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. Some days, I feel like taking a pregnancy test again just to see that 2nd line. The positive pregnancy test pink lines, if a paint color, would be called 'most perfect pink' in my world.

I'm so overjoyed that the IF chapter of my life seems to be behind me, but I have already been planning what we will do for child #2. How far will I take it? Can I survive IVF with a child at home? Do I *want* to survive IVF again with a child at home? It seems this infertile can only look forward so far...because I even said the other night...maybe 1 child will be enough. Maybe I want to spare myself the heartache of negative pregnancy test white for the rest of my life.

Here is to hoping all of my IF sisters get a 'most perfect pink' sighting in the near future.

How am I?

I am copying the idea of this post from my good friend, Murgdan!

My girlfriend called me the other day and said, "Um...you need to either email me pictures of your growing tummy or update your blog. I have a lot of prayer investment in this baby!" It was so sweet!!! We are so truly blessed to have so many people who care about us and who have been praying and cheering us on through this difficult chapter in our lives.

So, no belly shots for your viewing pleasure...I just feel weird doing those! So, you ask - How am I? I'm good :) I'm 24 weeks today...that means 16 weeks to go! WOW! Saying 16 weeks to go seems like such a short time. That's less than 4 months. I must admit, I'm not positive I have really let this sink in.

R and my Mom have felt her kick - and of course, I feel her moving around all the time. It's a bizarre, wonderful feeling. It was really validating for my Mom and R to feel her - it made me feel like "Ok, I'm not making this up. Those aren't gas bubbles rolling around...that's really my kid...".


Yes, still crazy as ever here in my corner of the earth!!


I have my first shower this weekend! So exciting. It's kind of early, but with the holidays and all, I guess they just wanted to have it early. I have my outfit picked out and hair is freshly highlighted. I'm good to go.


I've only gained about 5 pounds through these 24 weeks...which I would think was odd, but I'd gained about 10 pounds leading up to this, so, I think I'm good. My tummy isn't huge, but it's starting to poke. I definitely only wear maternity clothes - my normal clothes wouldn't dare try to button over this belly. I'm pretty obsessed with looking at it, touching it, feeling her move.


We've been working on the nursery...it's pink, of course. (If you know me in real life, this color choice is clearly a no-brainer!). R is going to hang chair rail and is striping with glaze underneath the chair rail. Who knew measuring and taping off stripes would be such a lesson in patience??? We have an armoire and a changing table - we're doing black furniture. I still need to order the crib - that's on the list for next week.


Life is pretty good :) We're just waiting on this little girl and doing the best we can to make sure we've prepared properly by the time she arrives!

Half of this marathon is complete! And lost friends found.

I can't even believe it! 20 weeks down...20 to go. I still get a little crazy with worry, but not as bad as I have been. I'm beginning to believe this baby is real. Mom was able to scan the U/S picture she has and she sent it to me today. In the U/S, Butterbean is waving her hand - it's like a hand print. I cried. That little hand represents so many hopes and dreams, tears and struggles. I can't wait to meet her! She sent it to me as a PDF, so the attachment won't upload.

I must admit, I'm a little bit of a facebook stalker. I like that I can keep up with people and not really have to putout any effort. LAZY...LOSER. I know. You can spare me my feelings though with the name calling :). So, today, on facestalker...er...facebook, I found my teacher from the 4th grade. It was her first year teaching and it was my first year at a new school. We had one of those "favorite student" relationships that other people hate (and, one day I'll be annoyed if someone is the favorite in my child's class...unless it's her :)). I totally adored her. I was convinced that she needed to marry my uncle so that she would always be a part of my life.

Although we lost touch, I always kept her in my heart. I heard she married and divorced -no idea if that is true - and that she moved back to Florida. I know now that she is married with 2 little girls and lives in Florida. I don't know...maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe I just really loved her that much, but, it made me cry to find her. I hope the years have treated her well and that she is happy...and I hope that she remembers me as fondly as I remember her.

100th post & Blogoversary

WOW! I can't believe I missed my blogoversary!!! And, I'm at 100? Craziness. Never did I think the past year would have unfolded the way it did or that on both my 100th post and my blogoversary that I'd be 18 weeks pregnant with a healthy little girl.

I had always planned to do a 100 things list for this post...but, what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men??? I am just not in the creative mind set for listing 100 things about any topic!!! It's raining here in Atlanta, been raining for a week...flooding all over the state, schools cancelled, people totally freaking out, traffic jams, and the like. I know it's serious business, and I pray for those who have lost a loved one in this catastrophe...but, this girl is in DESPERATE need of some sunshine.

Friday's appointment went wonderful. I saw the DR at my OB that had told me a few years ago that I was young and healthy and that I've hated ever since...and he was, well, very nice. I've changed my opinion on him and if he is who delivers my butterbean, then, I know we'll be just fine. We heard the heartbeat (right away - no looking for this girl's heart!!) and I'll get the flu shot at my next appointment. I still haven't gained any weight and he said that my weight was perfect...so, I'm not worried about it. Then, my Mom met us and we went over to the perinatologist. Confirmed - we are having a GIRL...and...I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I'm so glad I didn't read all about it and get totally stressed out. I'm not being sarcastic...I really didn't read very much at all about it. I just let it go. The whole business of getting pregnant wasn't easy, and I certainly don't expect this pregnancy to be without drama...so, I really had just let it go. She will see me one more time and then release me from her care. I really didn't mind going to her - since we got an ultrasound each time and could make sure our kid wasn't doing anything crazy in there, but, I'm fine either way. We got some really good looks at little Miss - 10 fingers, 10 toes, her little hiney...she was moving like crazy...I wonder if that's an indication that we are gonna have one hyper kid?? It was nice and Mom enjoyed getting a glimpse at her Grand-daughter.

Next appointment is October 16th...and I'm trying not to go insane before then!!! My belly is starting to poke out there, so, I think once I get past this "puberty" stage of pregnancy (just looking kinda fat) and actually look pregnant and can for sure feel her (right now, I can sometimes feel her...other times I'm not sure if it's her or just things adjusting down there) I'll calm down. I do feel better after Friday...her heartbeat was really strong and she's measuring perfectly. The DR even said - this is one healthy baby. So, for now, I'm good...but give me a couple weeks and I'll probably start wigging out again :)

Random post for my 100th and blogoversary, but, you can probably tell, I'm just not in the mood this week. I don't think weather has ever affected me this way!!!

I'm still here...

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been pretty calm around here...2 sick dogs that are driving me nuts...but, we're good. They just have upset stomachs...so, hopefully, they'll be fine in another day or 2.

We have our next appointment a week from Friday...4 weeks in between appointments is HELL!! Now I know why people buy dopplers...I seriously considered it the other day.

I have what feels like never-ending nerve attacks...just worrying about if something could be wrong. Mom says I'm just being like Daddy and creating stuff to worry about. I just get scared that something might happen. I guess this is what the rest of my life will be like! Worrying about her! I better tell Archie to have the zol.of.t on an IV drip as soon as I have her - hahah. Kidding. Well...mostly....

We went ahead and registered because I have a shower on November 7th. That was so fun...but way overwhelming! Man, baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!! But, only the best for Butterbean, right? Yeah...

Hopefully, they were right about her being a girl...since pretty much everything we picked out is pink. R was so funny - he said- I don't want anyone to mistake her for a boy...because I'll have to kick their ass. LOVE IT! He's going to be so sweet with a baby. If she turns out to be a he...well, then, we'll just adjust and go back to the naming battlegrounds...which, by the way, we are almost out of...maybe. We are duke-ing it out over middle names at the moment, but hopefully, unless I change my mind again, we've settled on a first name. I'm not going to monogram anything just yet :) I think it'd be easier if their name was just tattooed on their foot or something...can't God send these miracles with a pre-filled out birth certificate like at Baby Land General????

Random post...it's just where I'm at today. Nervous/anxious to hear her heartbeat again...pretty much all consumed with fear that I won't hear it. Maybe I should go get one of those dopplers tonight....

I think I feel her moving...

Yesterday morning, I was barely awake and felt this knock, knock, knock right below my belly button. And, I thought...is that gas? But then I felt it again. And then 2 more times after that.

Ol' girl was just saying good morning to her momma!!

So exciting!

I've got that bitch on a short leash, but somedays she still bites...

Ever have one of those days? Ugh...I am having one today. I'll probably cry myself to sleep and feel better tomorrow. I am hoping I can just "blog it out" and fore go the crying...puffy eyes aren't so hot.

I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...

We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.

Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.

March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.

Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.

I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???

IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.

Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.

Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.

But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**

*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.

**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.