Seriously!

Seriously! I love this word. Maybe it is an expression or an exclamation. I don't know - I was not a lit major for a reason. I love to say seriously - it can really sum up about any situation. Seriously - can be a sympathetic remark that can mean - "I know that situation you just explained and I am here for you. I understand." It can mean, "Ugh! What an idiot!" or just be a pissed off exclamation that sums up a frustrated converstaion with the cable guy. Ha ha. Right now, I feel like screaming at the Fertility gods of this world and just saying, "SERIOUSLY!" (translation - how much more do I have to endure?).

I thought that as soon as I started and we got this cycle underway that I would have all this renewed Hope and Faith. Hope for this cycle and Faith that there is something bigger than this world that is looking out for me. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and I still know (DEEP down - really deep) that we'll have a baby one day - some how. I'm just having this full on depression day and just feel like shouting from the roof - SERIOUSLY!

On real news - I went in for my baseline today. I had an 11MM on the left, which is kind of concerning to me - but they said it was fine. There were 4 other follicles on the left (I think they are called antral?) and 6 on the right. Iwonder if the 11MM is left over from my last cycle? I don't know. I finally broke down and asked for something to help get me out of bed every morning and she gave me an RX for Zoloft. She assured me its fine to take while trying to get pregnant. I just don't know how much more I can take on my own. I feel like a wimp somehow - for giving in and asking for the RX. I hope it helps. They still haven't called me back with my bloodwork, but assuming my estrogen is low enough, I'll do my first follistim shot tonight.

**Update** The nurse just called and my estrogen is 54. We're good to start the injections tonight. Next appointment is Saturday at 7:55 AM.

Another cycle is officially underway

Friday night I officially started and this new cycle is really underway. I have an appointment Monday AM and will start follistim injections Monday night. If I am counting correctly, this will be the 20th time we've tried. Wit our RE, this is the 7th try - 5th IUI and 2 failed IVFs. I'm hoping for lucky number 5.

Other than that, it's been a pretty shitty weekend. We are college football fans - our team lost. They didn't even show up to the game. I had a pretty fun time at the tailgate until I found out that our friends are pregnant with #3. Apparently, everyone there knew and didn't want to tell me. I HATE THAT. Don't be scared to tell me. Yeah, I'm going to be super sad that it's not me - but it doesn't make it easy on our friendship if you act like I won't be able to handle it. R got so annoyed with me about it - and said I had to stop constantly focusing on IF. Its not that easy for me. Then I cried so hard talking to my mom that my eyes were swollen today. It just sucks. I hate being sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I hate that my life revolves around periods and REs and giving myself shots or pills. I hate that I am that bitter bitch that everyone tiptoes around hoping not to piss off. I hate it that when people tell me they are expecting, I immediately want to yell at God and ask why it can't be me, why they deserve it and we don't, why is it so hard for us. I think this is what they call depression.

This could be the beginning...

I am thinking I will start my period tonight or tomorrow first thing. I woke up with cramps, have had mild spotting all day and the cramps are still here. Oh, and I am STARVING. Thank goodness. This wait has been on my last nerve. I also have a business trip in 2 weeks that I would prefer not to cancel. I could (and will if needed) - but, it's a meeting for a council that I have been a very active part of for 2 years and I would just feel shady backing out.

For the most part, we've told our friends that we think we're just going to take the rest of the year off. I can't take any more of the daily questions and the comments of "I just KNOW this is going to be the month." Frankly, I am just not sure. I don't have a good or bad feeling about this cycle. I'm just over my current RE and nurse - so, I guess I'm just indifferent.

I called Nurse and left her a VM. She just called me back and I go in Monday for my baseline (assuming I start tomorrow which all signs currently point to yes). We'll start injections of Follistim on Monday (or Day 3 of my cycle) and will plan to continue those for 10 days. They treat an IUI with injectibles the same as an IVF cycle...I wonder if all REs do? Dr. K (2nd opinion) said that when I do IVF with him, that he'd out me on 225 of Follistim twice per day - so, the same amount as Dr. T - but twice instead of 1 shot of 450 all at once. I wonder if I should self medicate and do 2 shots per day....

I wish I had a lot of confidence in Dr. T. I just get the feeling that they are just humoring me with trying IUI with Follistim. It's a shitty way to feel.

I'm trying to tell myself (and believe) that this could be the beginning of something very wonderful.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Shelby. Let me tell you how high tech it makes me feel that I am figuring out how to do this :)

1. I check my checking account and Amex everyday. Not kidding - everyday. If I don't check it on Saturday, I worry and check it on Sunday. I am a MASTER at budgeting - stretching every dollar so we can live the lifestyle and have the stuff we want. R used to call me to before getting gas to see if it was OK and would call and ask if it was OK for him to have McDonald's for lunch (I'll order off the $1 menu, promise!). LOL. We have been blessed that I am not that tight anymore, but I still watch every penny come in and go out.
2. I really love shopping for presents and wrapping them. I do not like to give a gift that wasn't thoughtfully purchased and wrapped. I despise giving gifts in bags, but I realize sometimes I must give the dreaded gift bag. (I also shop for Christmas year round and start wrapping Christmas gifts before Thanksgiving.)
3. I am completely Type A - see 2 items above :)
4. I got an earring back stuck in my nose as a kid and had to go to the ER - I bet my mom loved that!
5. The only broken bone I've ever had is a toe (knock on wood). I am 3 years younger than my sis and she told me I was stronger than her, so I should carry a weight across the basement at my aunt's house. Turned out, I wasn't that strong. My aunt sprayed bactine on it, thinking I was being overly dramatic.
6. My mom and my sister are absolutely my very best friends on earth, even though I probably treat them worse than my other friends. (Go Figure - treat the ones you love most the worst - This is something I am working on daily).
7. The first time I met my would be husband, R, he picked me and 5 other girls up from a Keg Party. He was dating my "pledge sister" in the sorority. I thought he was cute and he thought I was loud. This was 1998.

Tag - you are it! Lisa, Brenda, and Polly.

Questions and Comments

When I see that my blog has comments, I promise, it is one of the happiest moments of my day! I feel so connected and supported in ways I haven't felt in a LONG time. I wanted to respond to each of you, but wasn't sure if I commented back that you might see it or if it was appropriate to comment back on your blog. I don't the blog etiquette yet on this! So, I am going to answer the questions I've received here in this post :)

Polly asked if Cornell was in network for my insurance. I looked up my coverage for California - and there were a lot of REs that were in network. I don't know if they were at Cornell, though. Is there a practice out there I should look at, maybe? Or, a specific doctor? I am not opposed to traveling if it would help us finish this journey :)

Lost in Space asked about my IVF protocols. For IVF #1, we did a long lupron - I think that is what it was called. I took BCPs for 16 days, lupron by itself for a week and then added Menopur and Bravelle with the lupron. In IVF #2, we did a Micro Flare protocol. I took the BCPs for 6 days and lupron for 1, then added in Follistim and Bravelle with the lupron. Neither seemed to get anything out of my ovaries :( Dr. K, who we will see in January, said he would not use BCPs for me at all and probably no lupron, either. I am excited to see what plan he has cooked up for me!!! For now, if the ol' period ever comes back, we are going to try an IUI with follistim injections. We'll see how that goes.

Erin from Massachusetts asked me if I'd had my FSH checked. I did. It's slightly elevated (I don't have my file here at the office with me). Whatever they said the "good" range is - mine is 0.4 points above that. I think its 10.4 or 12.4. It's turning out to be a bigger issue than we thought it would be, though.

Thank you for the comments and for asking the questions! This blog is way better than any counselor could be!!!

I received a quote from my mother in law about a week ago, and wanted to share it.

When you are faced with hard changes, take a deep breath, put yourself in God’s hands, trust God’s presence with you through the process of change, and give your sadness and mourning over to God. You will be supported. You will be sustained. You will be comforted. And you will be led along the way.

(H. Neinast)

It's only TUESDAY????

How I have missed my blog in the past few days. I had every intention of posting last night, and boy, I needed to - but ended up at my neighbors house (T) until 1AM. I'm not sure why I am swearing every night needs to be a recreation of my 21st birthday - I guess I need to blow off some steam.

I went to my regular OB/GYN yesterday for my annual. A pap was supposed to be a part of my IVF work up...but, somehow that was missed. My regular Doc looks like he is about 18 (T sees him, too). We call him Doogie Houser :). I was annoyed that I had to go when the RE should have handled this, but one does what one must. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be for me to go there. I think every single person there was pregnant and had at least 1 child with them. I guess I always thought I'd have a basketball under my shirt when I went back. It made me really sad.

After getting weighed (dreadful), the nurse, who was super nice, asked me a totally normal question - What was the first day of your last period? OMG - how the levies did break. I haven't had a period since a week and a half after the IVF #1 retrieval. So, we went through the sordid story, she left and I waited on Doogie. Doogie comes in and all of the composure I had mustered in the 5 minutes I had alone was gone in an instant. I talked very openly about my current RE and how I feel they have lost hope in me, we are planning to change in '09, etc. He said he knew Dr. K (2n opinion RE) and that it wasn't uncommon to switch after a few failed cycles, yada yada. I guess I got his blessing to change :) My exam was uneventful, which was nice, and he said - from his perspective everything looks fine. I'll take that as good news!

In an earlier post, I mentioned that my nurse at the RE told me to call her on 9/22 if I still had no period. So, I gave her a shout out when I left Doogie. I always have to leave her a voicemail which annoys me to the Nth degree. (Dr. K has an EA who answers every time I call). Nurse called me back at 3:00 and said - come on in tomorrow for some bloodwork. That didn't work for me, so, I told her I could come in then or Thursday. I went in yesterday afternoon and she sent it off with today's bloodwork. While she was taking my blood yesteday, I said, "Thanks for taking it today - I really didn't need to miss any work tomorrow." Her reply (I AM NOT KIDDING), "Oh, no problem. It's totally fine to take it in the afternoon, I'll just have to remember to get it out of the fridge tomorrow to send to the lab. I have been known to forget." SERIOUSLY????? I considered calling her this AM (to leave her a VM) to tell her not to forget my vial of blood in the fridge. It annoyed the hell out of me.

She just called me back today with my results. Apparently, I have just "ovulated" - no idea if a follicle was there or not. She said it happens in "rare" cases for your body to start a new cycle on its own without having a period. I said, "Man, I wish I'd known - I'll take my 3% chance of getting PG on my own rather than a 0% chance." And she acted like it was no big deal - "oh, well - it happens really rarely, so, we just didn't mention it". What I am left to ponder is: What else don't they mention to me? She said I should start within the next 10 days.

I feel like another cycle just went down the tubes, quite literally.

Infertility's Common Thread

Read Here

April - Present, 2008

Today, I will finish bringing my blog up to speed on our IF journey. After the miscarriage, we had to wait a cycle. I ended up starting on vacation - anyone surprised?? - in May. We did another IUI - BFN. We discussed IVF with Dr. T and decided to move forward. We had to wait another cycle to finish out additional testing - I was wishing we'd done those right after the MC, but, whatever. We did another IUI while completing the tests, another BFN. One thing I've omitted saying, is, unlike many of my fellow infertiles, I have excellent insurance. So, even though journey is so hard emotionally, we can't complain about it financially. Unlike so many others I know (in real life or virtually), we are so blessed to have such awesome insurance.

IVF #1 began in July. I took BCPs for 15 days and then started lupron, added Bravelle and Menopur and went in for my baseline. There were 8 antral follicles. Still, I left with a nervous feeling. My estrogen moved slowly and all week we were in limbo as to move to retrieval or just do another IUI. We could see 6 follicles. We, who am I kidding - the DRs - finally decided to move on to retrieval. Only 2 follicles, 1 not mature enough and the other didn't fertilize.

IVF #2 began as soon as I started my period in August. My estrogen didn't get past 200 by the 2nd ultrasound (after baseline). The cycle was cancelled the Friday afternoon before labor day - and here I am waiting for my period (again).

In between IVF #1 and IVF #2, we went to get a 2nd opinion. Dr. K's (2nd opinion RE) practice seems much more research focused and much more aggressive. They have been the first to try and succeed at several IF related procedures in Georgia. We both really liked him. The problem is that he is out of network for my insurance. So, to even try IVF with him, would cost us 5 - 8 times more than trying with Dr. T. Sucks. I had the mind enough to check with the other insurance provider my company offers. Dr. K is IN NETWORK with them! YAY! I can sign up with them this fall and begin treatment with Dr. K in January 2009.

In the meantime, we have currently planned to try another IUI with Dr. T. His practice believes that my best odds of getting pregnant are with IUI - they don't believe my ovaries will produce more than 2 follicles each cycle (at best). We did tell him that we wanted to try IUI with injectibles - as that's the only thing we haven't yet tried. He, reluctantly, agreed - he thinks injectibles are too risky for multiples. I see his point, but, dude - you just said that I wouldn't produce more than 2 follies, anyway. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. Anyway, in the interest of not blowing our entire savings and investments, we are, unfortunately, kinda stuck till 2009.

I still haven't started, anyway, and Dr. T's office said to call them on Monday if I still haven't. I'm not sure I care - maybe my body needs time to recover. I don't want to take that medicine that will force my body to start a period. I feel like we've been beating those poor ovaries since January and maybe the guys just need a break. And, I know what you are thinking - maybe I got PG all on our own after they cancelled my IVF in August. I've taken 2 at home tests, just to have them ruin my day. Anyway, for now, we will just wait - no other choice, really. Some days it's so frustrating I can't hardly stand it (like today). Its so sick to crave giving yourself shots - but, when I am - I at least feel like I am doing something and moving forward. When we are waiting I feel like I am not doing anything - positive or negative - and I am SOOOO type A - I can't stand to just do nothing. Maybe I will finally learn patience - it is a virtue, after all :)

Thank you!

Thank you for the comments. They make me cry and have made me so happy. This blog has been THE MOST THERAPUTIC thing in my life, ever. I was so against this, just six months ago. I thought it would be insane to post my story out for the world wide web to read. Thank you for the support, just in this short week.

What a stressful day...

What a stressful day. My morning began with me fighting the alarm clock and getting a huge bolt in my tire on the way to work. Luckily, it didn't go flat until later in the parking deck and I was able to wait safely in my office for AAA. That kind of stuff just stresses me out. Growing up, my Dad always handled things like dead batteries, oil changes, flat tires, washing cars. Pretty much, all things related cars. He even used to take all of our cars on Sundays and fill them up with gas (mine, Mom's and M’s (my sister's)). I have been groomed to not react well to car issues. My Dad ROCKS! R has, reluctantly, taken over this role and no longer complains abut having to take care of my car. Anyhow, it started my day off on the wrong foot. Work has been stressful lately, too, and I am really jones-ing for a vacation. I know – poor, poor pitiful me. I will get over myself soon.

Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.

The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????

Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:

It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.

Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.

It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.

Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.

I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.

I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.

Love you,Tara

The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.

2008 - The real IF treatment begins

I feel this compulsive need to get this whole story off my chest. It'd just be way too long to be just 1 post. And, part of this story deserves her very own post. Maybe I will post twice tonight. I really want to get it out - like NOW!!!

Last night I ended my post with the beginning of 2008. We had an appointment scheduled with the RE and were hopeful we'd be that lucky couple that "WOW! We went to see a fertility specialist - and we were already pregnant!!" Yes, we know a couple that did that. They were convinced if we went for a 2nd opinion to that doctor, that magically, we'd get pregnant, too - just by making an appointment with her. WHATEVER. So, kept our appointment and went in on like the 8th or 9th. It was a Friday afternoon (R works nights, so, appointments are hard for him to make if at odd times during the day). We went and met with Dr. T. It was a little awkward - he's very mathematical - telling us all these percentages and "if this is the case, your chances would be x% - blah blah." It was a lot to take in. It just so happened to be the right day of my cycle to do some additional blood work that my OB hadn't completed. Ironically, they tested my FSH and Dr. T even said - "I am sure it's fine - you are so young for that to be the issue". We went on to discuss that we'd try the Clomid again and add IUI. This seemed harmless enough - and surely we'd be in the 33% who get pregnant within the first 3 cycles.

As I eluded to just a sentence ago, my FSH blood work came back the next day. The nurse called me and told me that my FSH was slightly elevated, which means that the quality or quantity of my eggs would be more limited than a "normal" 29 year old. What are the odds, huh? The conversation was a bit of a blur - I cried and the nurse told me not to worry - that we would figure this out and that IUI is a great option. OK - well, not so easy to just let that punch roll off your shoulder. My body had never failed me before - well - haha - for the last 12 months of my life, it had been - but not before that. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated and R was just trying to be as supportive as possible. We anxiously awaited my next period so we could try out this IUI business.

February came and so did my cycle. The devil Clomid entered the picture and Mrs. Hot Flash came back. I went in for an ultrasound and there they were - a couple of follicles! WOW! I peed on the ovulation sticks and called when I got 2 lines. We went in the next day. Dr. D (a new guy we'd never met) did the IUI. Then came the 2WW (2 week wait). We were full of hope.

The day of my beta, I went into the office after swinging by the DRs office. My nurse called me around 2:30 - all I remember is "I am really sorry". I cried at my desk and packed up my stuff and called it a day. I can't even remember that night - I am sure I drank a beer (or a bunch of them - if you know me, you know how much I enjoy a cold one). I know I cried a lot those first couple of days. It wasn't nearly the devastation we would face later. Our hope quickly renewed and we were ready to jump back on that horse. Bring on the hot flashes! The plan for the next cycle was to try Letrazole with IUI.

Just another day...

Today I worked from home again. I am in the nasty habit of sleeping till 9:00 and getting online by 9:03. Brush your teeth as your outlook loads with the emails from the previous night. Put some yoga pants on with the shirt you slept in the night before. Shower? Maybe around lunch time, likely not at all. Work straight through lunch - enjoying an oh so flavorful Lean Cuisine as you passively listen to a call , instead of really paying attention. Work till 6 or so and then cook up some dinner. Nope - never leave the house. I did this the past 2 days and 3 times last week (and most of July and August). I DID, however, leave the house yesterday AND today! Yesterday, I went on a walk with a neighbor and today, I went to what was supposed to be tennis lessons with another neighbor, but the instructor didn't show. So, we went on a walk instead. It was nice. I really like my neighbors :) The weather here is cooling off - maybe we will really have Fall this year before! Tonight though, I've decided that if I am going to blog about my infertility, I should jump right into our story!!!

Around Christmas of 2006, I was about to the end of a pack of BC and we had a big trip planned to the Dominican Republic in February. We decided to toss the pills and avoid the "fertile" window in January. I was so concerned about not being able to drink at our all inclusive resort. How typical, right? So, I took my ovulation sticks on the trip in February (have I mentioned that my sister treats getting pregnant like a science experiment and gave me this website to get discounted ovulation sticks? she encouraged me to get some - not that it was a bad idea, M). Well, no positive ovulation reading - but, I didn't pee on them religiously, like I later mastered. I kept this up each month and saw a positive result maybe once. Seemed weird, but whatever - I probably just missed it, right?

Something wasn't quite right, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for July. I went to the appointment ready to ask my questions. I totally expected him to humor me and at least draw some blood. Instead, he said to me, "Your sister is our patient, too? She has a child? You are 28? You're a healthy girl - stop worrying. Don't stress. Go have sex and have fun." I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE SAID. I made it to my car before crying. Was he serious? I am a total hypochondriac? After crying for a few minutes - I got MAD. Like so mad I wanted to march back into his office and ask him where he got off saying that to me. But, I didn't. I went back to work. I went home. And I threw out the ovulation sticks.

In October, I called the OB again. I, not so politely, said that I wanted to see anyone but "Dr. Your sister has a baby" and I wanted to see them now. I got in and went to see the next guy. I told him my plight and what had happened with "Dr. YSHAB (reference DR above)" and how upset I was and that I just had a feeling and yada yada. He gave me a list of tests he could run. Then he gave me a list of RE's that he would recommend, said R could have a SA and Oh! how about trying some clomid. "You can take it 3 - 6 months. I am sure it will be the solution." I decided to move forward with the blood work and take the Clomid. {Enter wicked hot flashes and mood swings!} All of the tests they ran came back "within range" (too bad I didn't catch which tests were included - not like I would have known what a normal FSH level was back then). By December, I was not encouraged and made an appointment with the RE for January. R had his 1st SA the day after Christmas- all seemed fine.

Enter the wonderful year of 2008. I'll fill you in on this roller coaster beginning tomorrow. It's midnight and I need to drag my sorry butt into the office tomorrow (translate - get up at 6:30 instead of 9- EEK!!). Plus, this post is getting obnoxiously long.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

I couldn't sleep last night. I thought that once I created this blog, that the words would just tumble out of my mouth. But, when I decided to take the plunge last night, I ended up in tears over just naming the blog!!!!

I finally decided on Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood. Mostly, because that is my favorite book. Another favorite of mine is To Kill a Mockingbird...but To Kill an Infertile Mockingbird just sounded a little suicidal, in my opinion. I like the Divine Secrets title though, as I have discussed with a friend how this infertility nightmare does feel like a terrible sorority that I joined, against my will. I feel like this sorority is hell week for an indefinite number of weeks - never letting up and always trying to crush me (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

This is my first (well, including my post last night, technically second) attempt at Blogging. I have to admit it's pretty intimidating - laying it all out there for the whole world to read. I am really hoping that this will be an outlet for me express feelings that I can't seem to speak. I hope that I won't be too intimidated to write my true feelings, in this medium where anyone can read about our journey, criticize choices I've made or be anything other than kind. I have write this blog for me - and only for me.

So, here I sit at my kitchen table, hoping that tomorrow I will cry less and write more. That I will start my period so that I can begin yet another month of infertility treatment. That I will not avoid calls from my friends who care about me because I find it too painful to even attempt to engage in a normal conversation. Here I sit, hoping for a better tomorrow.

Welcome

I am jumping in....to blogging, that is. I've been quietly sitting on the bench reading other blogs and silently rooting for those of us out there who are going through this same battle. I hope that maybe I can help someone who is struggling, as other women who have been blogging on infertilty have been helping me.

About me:

• 29
• off birth control since 1/1/07
• diagnosis - diminished ovarian reserve
• with current RE since 1/1/08
• 4 IUIs - 1 positive in March 2008 - biochemical pregnancy and heart break
• 2 canceled IVFs
• currently waiting for my period

I am hoping that my "journaling" (albeit for the entire world to read) will help me sort through the range of emotions I can go through in a matter of seconds. I hope that I can work through some feelings and help myself gather perspective. I hope....