Manic Monday

Let me tell you how much I love Mel's open bar :) An open bar is always where I want to be...

Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.

This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!

Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)

Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.

Show and Tell

To participate in the fun of Show and Tell, click here.

Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....


So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.

Moving On

Today I woke up at 5AM and knew I was starting my period. I was too tired to give a shit, in all honesty. When I did get up, I was really glad that I was able to wear jeans to our off site meeting for work today. AF came in with a vengeance. I was totally thinking I was PG on Monday night - my back was hurting SO BAD - like it did when I was PG for those 2 glorious days in March. Of course, then, I cried and worried that it would be another chemical since my back was hurting so bad. Anyway, none of that matters now. I am glad that I stopped the progesterone suppositories on Sunday after the negative POAS. I am glad that I POAS - it at least prepared me somewhat for yesterday. Don't get me wrong - I always hold on until the very last shred of hope is lost. I was still devastated when she called. I could tell just by her tone of voice when she said hello to me.

My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.

R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.

In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.

Same old song and dance

BFN. I don't have much else to say. It's just the same story, different month.

Of Course...

I POAS this morning and it was negative. There is a 51 - 82% chance that the test is accurate. Definitely bummed....

Show and Tell

I am participating in Mel's Show and Tell. For information on how to particpate, click here.

As I said in my last post, I feel like I've been excluding a major part of my life in my blog....My pets. We have 2 dogs and a rescued cat. Our dogs live inside and are basically people :). Our cat, Garfield, lives outside and likes to think she owns the street we live on. She lays in the street and refuses to move when cars come by. It's not a rare occasion for us to hear someone honking their horn to try to get her to move...she's a queen.

Our oldest dog is a lab and her name is Sidda (from Ya-Ya - aren't you surprised?). We got her July 30th 2003 - a couple of months after we got engaged. She really thinks she's human and refuses to play with our younger dog and her litter mate - who my sister has - Baxter. Sidda loves her Daddy more than anyone. She gets nervous when we are at my parents or R's parents because she doesn't want us to leave her. Her favorite place to be is R's parent's lake house. She LOVES the water and swims from sun up to sun down - or when we insist that she take a break and take her inside.

Our "baby" is a springer spaniel. We have had him just a little over a year now. We got both of our dogs when they were 8 - 10 weeks old. His name is Buffett (think Jimmy!). He's super funny and my niece is in love with him. They play so much and he is so gentle with her. R really wanted another dog and kept sending me links to puppies for sale. One day, I was worn down enough to go and "see" the puppies. The was never a question in my mind that we'd come home empty handed. We named him on the way to get him, just like we had done for Sidda. I cried the first few mornings and thought we must have lost our minds as he would poop in the bathroom floor but not outside. Luckily, he was trained pretty quickly and it became evident that our lives would never be the same again! He loves Sidda so much and has really been good for her. She is much more active and has lost a few pounds since he's been around.

If Sidda and Buffett were really humans, Sidda would be our shy girl and would like to stay at home with us. Buffett would be our social butterfly and he would probably always have friends over or be at a friend's house.

Here is the picture from our Christmas card last year:

Home at Last

I am finally home after a week on the road. It was a fun week, but it's always so nice to come home.

Chicago was OK - I got away without drinking all night and no one noticed. My meetings were productive and I got in some shopping.

St. Augustine was great! The weather was perfect! High 80's - can you believe it? I even got to lay out in the sun for a while (I was still having to work down there, so, couldn't play as much as I would've liked). I had a good time with my parents and my sister and niece. My niece is 3 and is soooo stinkin' sweet. She heals my heart - even at 5AM when she says, "Morning Tata. Sunshine's out. Wanna go play?" She's so funny. She finally got in bed with me that morning (a twin size - with me and her - comfy :) ) and we went back to sleep for a while.

My blood test is Tuesday. I am both dreading it and anticipating it with a hopeful heart. R and I went and bought a couple of tests tonight - I am hoping to muster the courage to POAS tomorrow morning. I guess if it's negative it will soften the blow on Tuesday. I've been doing the progesterone suppositories, so, any symptoms I would think I had, is probably the progesterone. My breasts are a little tender and I am sleepy - both side effects of elevated progesterone. One thing that seems a little different is that I have been super thirsty. Not sure what that is about. Its sadistic, but, I find it easier to wait on a BFN than to wait on my cycle to start.

I hope to have more grace in the moment this time - with the loving hand of my new friend Zoloft - I definitely think she's helping. Hopefully, I will never regret having taken this medicine - if we ever adopt or it has some crazy long term side effects. Surely, adoption agencies understand this type of stress? It's too much to worry about, but, it does linger in my mind.

R had 2 surprises for me when we got home. First, he programmed my car to open the garage door by pushing a button in the car instead of having the extra garage door remote. I've been trying to get that function to work since we got this car in April!! It's a little thing, but, its fun and I like it. It was sweet of him to take the time to do it. Second, he got our youngest dog's hair cut. I have been feeling like I've neglected a major part of my life in my blog by not mentioning my pets! I think I'll start Mel's Show and Tell this week and introduce you to our "kids".

I've missed blogging this week. I've kept up with you all, though, and am glad to be back!

IUI #5

This is my new math equation - and I am hoping it balances:

4 follicles, 2 IUIs, 13M sperm, 4 antibiotics, 14 days waiting = 1 healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby(ies) that will live a long, healthy, happy life

I think it's reasonable. Don't you?

FYI - I didn't go to tennis :) It was my gut instinct to not go, but nice to hear others would have done the same. Sometimes I think I am being overly cautious, so knowing others would have skipped, too, was helpful!!

I start prometrium suppositories twice per day on Friday. We ordered them for my IVF cycles, but I never made it far enough to actually use them.

I am hopeful and trying not to spaz out. The waiting, I think, is the worst part. Hopefully, the days will pass quickly, as next week is pretty busy (I'll be in Chicago the first part of the week and St. Augustine the last half).

Here's to HOPE!!!

**correction - I am starting Endometrin on Friday. I finally got it out of the closet its been sitting in for months!!!

IUI tomorrow and Wednesday - Advice PLEASE!

Well, the DR just called and my estrogen is 1125. The DR said today that of the follicles we can see - probably 4 of them will give us a chance. I trigger tonight between 8 and 10. We'll do 2 IUIs this month - tomorrow at 11 (R has to donate at 9) and Wednesday - likely around the same time. I am nervous.

I need your help, though. I have tennis lessons on Tuesday nights. It's not strenuous exercise at all - mostly just standing around. There are 6 other girls in the class, so, at the most, I get to hit like 12 times. Do you think I should go or skip it? I've always tried to take it easy in the past, but, that hasn't done me much good! I'd like to know what you think.

Thanks!

Day 6 of stims update

I went in for my ultrasound this morning and it went well. I had 3 good size follicles on the right and 2 good size ones on the left. There were others on the right, but too small to mature into anything. Estrogen came back at either 517 or 571 - I can't remember what she said. Either way - it was pretty good (considering last time we tried it didn't break 150)!!

Next appointment is Monday at 8AM.

I just pray that this will be our month. I am emotionally invested in this cycle - I wasn't in the 2nd IVF cycle - I just had a gut feel about that one. I am really hoping for this one.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)

Day 5 of IUI #5

Today is day 5 of IUI #5. Maybe it's more like day 3 - since tonight was my 3rd shot. I can't figure out how to count the days during Fertility Treatment. I understand DPO (days past ovulation) but I don't know how to count them in the beginning - especially with IVF. Anywho....

I started the Zoloft Monday afternoon. I'm taking 1/2 a pill every day for a week and then a whole pill after that. Monday was strange. I was sooooooo chillaxed (haha - makes me sound like a Gen Y kid...). I had to lay down for a while, even. It definitely took the edge off for my first injection - since it's been a while since I had any shots. Needless to say, the first shot for this cycle went off without a hitch. After dinner I felt a little more normal. It was kinda funny. Tuesday, the Zoloft didn't knock me out as bad, but I was very easily distracted. I would be responding to an email and get an instant message and forget what I was doing. Tuesday night shot went well, again. Today, I was still easily distracted, but less so than Tuesday. Shot tonight was fine, too. No bruising yet - that's nice :)

Side effects so far = hot flashes. BUT - I've been having them pretty much since the last IVF was cancelled. I am always kinda prone to them - I've always had them when I was on my periods and just before I start. So, maybe not a side effect. Tonight after dinner, R and I went to play tennis. We walked to the park - about 10 minute walk - and on the way home - I had those debilitating stomach cramps. I wasn't sure if I could make it home - embarrassing. Luckily, I did - and am hoping it means the Follistim is working. I hope its not a reaction to the Zoloft.

I really feel better with the Zoloft - even if its only been a couple of days. Maybe its a mental thing - but, I don't care :) I am glad to feel better! No tears since Monday at the REs office when I asked for it! YAY!!!

I am a little nervous about Saturday - just hoping I have some follicles growing. Who am I kidding? I just want THE ONE to be growing. 2 days to go...I'm praying "Please let this be the cycle we get pregnant with a healthy baby that will live a long, healthy life" (Can you tell that I feel the need to be very specific? No more praying to just get pregnant with this cycle - that, I have learned, is not enough!). My Hope has returned - albeit with a heart that is trying to guard itself. Thank the Lord!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Enlisted by Antigone - please read below and join.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.