Its over

Beta dropped. Stop progesterone.

Cycle is over.

No baby.

Again.

Dear Embtyos - Its me again...

Its your Mother. And, I guess, I might end up being a nagging mother. After all, I just want you to survive so I can teach you how to be a wonderful person.

If you are in there - and I know you are - please really try hard to get healthy. Please burrow down deep in there and concentrate on your survival. I can't promise life will always be easy, but I can promise that I will always do my best for you.

So many people love you and are rooting for you. Please don't break your parent's hearts.

Love,
Mom

Limbo Land Part Duex

So, I've had a few minutes - wow - it's already been 3 hours - to calm down. While I realize that we could somehow make it through this and have a totally healthy baby, my doctor did not sound positive.

What gets on my nerves is that I have not had any "chemical pregnancy symptoms" this time like I did last March. No excessive tiredness, no excessive back pain, no excessive sore breasts for this early on.

I'm getting to the pissed off stage of this grief. I want to just have Faith and believe that He will fulfill our dreams of becoming parents to our biological child, but after 26 months of negative pregnancy tests, I think it's only human to doubt.

Hoping tomorrow I can have a better attitude and more faith.

Limbo Land

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, we are devastated and praying for a miracle.

It's all over but the shoutin'

I am just waiting. Its 1:00. I hope they will call by like 4...the latest they've ever called has been around 4:45. And that was on a busy Friday.

I know I've waited this long and can wait a few more hours, but, I'd sure like to POAS right now!!!

Dear Lord, Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period. Amen.

Less than 24 hours to go....

WOOT WOOT!!! I am so ready to just KNOW. Dare I say it...but the spotting has been very minimal so far today.

I am staying true to my mantra...

Dear Lord, please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

I think I must have said that about a million times last night - into the wee hours of morning. I was hoping He would get annoyed with me repeating it and shout down - FINE! STOP BEGGING! LOL.

My spirits are much better today, as they were yesterday. Saturday was just a rough day and I lost any sort of sanity I had been clinging to. We had dinner (if you want to call it that) with some friends Saturday night. They have a 4 month old. It was AWFUL. AWFUL times 1 million. The dad was a freak - he wouldn't even let me hold the baby. We stayed at their house less than 2 hours. These are people we used to vacation with. It was very sad to know that we've lost friends. It was just soooooo awkward. They have totally changed since the baby got here. Clearly, I know that some things must change when you have children - you can't take them to a bar and stay out till all hours. But this was beyond normal change....this was way beyond even a lot of change. This was like we were visiting total strangers. It was so uncomfortable.

I was already so upset about the spotting and then that just made it so much worse. We went to bed at 9:00 and I cried myself to sleep.

I am better now, though. Thank the Lord! We can survive 24 more hours of this.

Still Breathing

Well, I've made it another day. Tuesday can't come fast enough.

The spotting is still here. It's no better or worse than yesterday. Still brown, with no red signs. That at least, is good.

I am going into the office tomorrow to try and pass the day more quickly.

Thank you all for the comments. I am going to ask - scratch that - tell them to check my P4 on Tuesday along with my Beta.

Still praying. Still hoping. Still begging those embryos to be sticking and dividing.

Killing Me Softly...

With spotting. It started yesterday. My nurse said not to worry as long as it is brown. It is brown, but this is what I do every month for about 3 days before I start. I'm trying to remain positive, but all signs seems to be pointing towards period.

Please Lord, fulfill the desires of our heart with this IVF. Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

7dp3dt

I love being totally obsessed with every twinge in my body. Its driving me mad.

There is a thunderstorm moving through the great state of Georgia right now - and nothing is on TV except this storm. I mean, come on people, it's rain. I say this, but I also pray that no one is injured in this rain. Its on my nerves, though.
My boobs aren't as sore as they were over the weekend and its bothering me. I called Sweeta Rita today and she said not to worry. I wonder why they don't test progesterone levels before the beta like I've read that other REs do. I tried to get her to let me come in Friday for my Beta, but she didn't bite. Darn! I didn't expect her to, but, I was hoping!

My cousin had this quote on her Facebook page and I copied it from her:

This may not be the way I would have chosen,

When You lead me through this world that's not my home.

But You never said it would be easy,

You only said I'd never go alone.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You,

Then I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

I love it. She sent me this link to the song where its from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw

This could very well be the song that gets me through the rest of this week.

Dear Embryo's - It's me, your Mom

Dear Embryo's -

It's me - your Mom. First, let me thank you for dividing last week. You are so beautiful and are already so loved by so many people. Thank you for cleaving and being so pretty.

Second, let me beg of you a few things.
Please be sticking in my womb - which I am trying very hard to make a wonderful environment for you. Your Dad is taking great pleasure is shooting progesterone oil in my ass every night for your comfort (not really - he wouldn't ever hurt me or you on purpose - and the shots don't really hurt! I'd do them all day everyday for the rest of my life if it meant I could keep you). I am not exercising - or even - GASP - playing the Wii - to try to motivate you to stick.
Please start making me vomit morning, noon and night.
Please let me know that you are sticking and that you will be my real live babies come this fall.

Also, Please forgive me for the small diet coke I had today. I promise to be a better mother than a caffeine drinking, chain smoking, junk food eating loser like the ones always on the 11 o'clock news. Forgive me for my momentary lapse in judgement. May the saccharine and caffeine only make you stronger!!!

Also, I promise not to always ask you to do things like I am in this first love letter to you. Nor, will I call my hiney an ass and tarnish your precious ears and mind. These are the things I promise to you from this letter on:

I will not be critical of your choices in life
I will be supportive of you
I will teach you how to be a loving human being and to respect our planet and all its beings
I will teach you to love and how to be loved
I will praise you for a job well done
I will correct you so that you can learn the difference between right and wrong
I will spoil you - but not to the detriment of your character
I will provide a safe environment for you to grow up in
I will make sure your siblings treat you kindly - even the furry ones :)
I will always buckle you in your car seat - with a few summer exceptions on the way to the pool
I will always be honest with you
I will protect you from as much as I can - but I will let go when the time is right and let you learn life lessons on your own
I will never try to insist you learn by my mistakes - we all need to make mistakes in this life
I will teach you the love of Jesus Christ
I will hold your hand until you want me to let go - but I will always be here to catch you if you fall
I will not let you sleep with me and your dad at night - but will definitely snuggle during nap time! Children and adults sleep better alone - and you will one day appreciate this
I will teach you the value of a dollar and of hard work
I will help you with your homework and college applications - but I will not just give you the answers

Most of all, I will love you with my entire being.

I cannot promise to never ask you to do anything, however, I will not make outrageous demands of you. This may be the most important thing I ever ask of you - Please - STICK BABIES STICK and let your Dad and me enjoy a lifetime of health and happiness with you!!!

All my love sweet little ones,
Mom

6dt3dt

AHH...someone talk me off the ledge. I am going crazy. I wish I could call Sweeta Rita and just get a blood test today. I wonder what they'd do if I showed up and acted like I got the day confused. Maybe they would humor me???

So - here's the root of my craziness:
I had a wicked upset stomach last night - which is abnormal for me. Nothing since then.
My boobs aren't as sore today as they were yesterday.
Not a ton of mucus, but not bone dry either.
Back was pretty sore yesterday, fine today.

I know there is no way to tell if any of this means anything...but my ass is sore from shots and I'm impatient as hell.

1 week to go. In 168 hours I should know. 10, 080 excruciating minutes.

Maybe I should just buy some stock in First Response and go buy me some freaking pee sticks.

Actually, I feel better already...maybe I just needed to bitch...

4dp3dt

Today is 4dp3dt. We are hanging in there. It helps to know that we are just 1 week and 1 day away from the Beta. Don Don Don...I am so terrified of that test.

Here are some things I am experiencing:
definitely some crampy feelings in my stomach - not bad like period cramps - but some kind of pressure or movement
SO TIRED - I took a 4 hour nap today
vaginal mucus
sore boobs
I got kind of dizzy today and had to lay down on the kitchen floor real fast because I thought I was going to pass out

I wish I could say that any one of these "symptoms" wasn't a direct side effect of the progesterone. Sigh....I wish I would get nauseous and then I could believe my HCG was rising :)

However, I do think it is good that my body seems to be absorbing the progesterone. I've done the suppositories before and had no side effects, which made me think it wasn't absorbing, so it wasn't working.

I have no tests at home, and I am trying to restrain from buying any. No P-ingOAS for me. Well, I hope not to POAS. We shall see which side of my brain wins that battle!!!!

Transfer Complete

McDonald's breakfast - check

No soap shower - check check

Fresh Pineapple waiting in the fridge - check check check

2 Embryos to transfer - CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!

Bed rest now and no exercise until the Beta on February 24th. Can I even survive until the 24th?

The Embryologist said I had 2 "beautiful" embryos. The 2nd guy was immature on Monday, but grew up fast and they ICSI'd him on Tuesday. Both had very little, if any, fragmentation. They didn't give me a grade, which I was kind of hoping for. However, it doesn't really matter. Even a poorly rated embryo can become a beautiful little girl - my boss's daughter is a perfect example of that.

Of course, I am 1 day in to our 2WW and I am totally analyzing every single twinge. I had some diarrhea last night - could the embryos be implanting? I am have some pressure in my stomach now - could it be happening now? Everyone tells me not to test early, but man, I'd like to start testing today!!

I mean, can't I just pay the DR to test me early and then again???? Wouldn't a rising progesterone indicate one way or the other? UGH....driving myself crazy!!!!

One Doesn't Have to be a Lonely Number

So, I've adjusted my attitude. One is more than we've ever had before. One is all we need to have One healthy baby. These are my positive thoughts:

1. The old RE said most of my follicles were empty. We measured 9 follies on Saturday and they retrieved 8 eggs. I'd say that *most* of my follicles are NOT empty.
2. We've never measured 9 follicles before.
3. 5 of those follies were mature
4. We do have ONE to put back, that is ONE more than we've ever put back before.
5. I responded really well this cycle.
6. I love Dr. K and Sweeta Rita - and I do believe they will be the DRs that bring us to the end of this journey - and positively get us there.

Now, I'd be crazy if I tried to say I wasn't disappointed. Yes, I wish that all 5 of the mature follies had fertilized. Yes, I wish we had 3 or 4 really nice embies to put back. But, I am not going to focus on my disappointment. No time for negative thoughts in this body.

Here is to a nice thick, sticky lining for my one embie to stick to. Here's to shots in the ass for 6 to 8 weeks. Here is to a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

I do have one question - what superstition have you heard about transfer day? What is this about McDonalds and pineapple and weird things to do for transfer? I want to know them all.

Here is to all my eggs (or should I say egg) in one basket! May my little embie not be lonely in my uterus. May he (or she!!) love it enough to stick around for 40 amazing weeks.

Afterall, ONE son saved the world, right?

Fertilization Report

Well, Sweeta Rita just called to give me the fert report. Here it is:

8 eggs retrieved
5 mature
1 fertilized
1 - 2 more could fertilize per the embryologist
Thursday transfer

Needless to say, I am disappointed. But, I am here only because 1 egg fertilized...and so are you. So, through my tears at this very moment, I know that the Lord is my Shepard. And, I know that He will carry me when the road is too tough for me to navigate on my own. And, I know He knows how much support we need.

I will be positive through this. It can still happen.

egg retrieval - check

We can check that off our list! The retrieval went well today. It was like being at a resort compared to the old doctor. I told Dr. K that I was going to name my babies after him. He probably thinks I'm insane. Oh well :) I mean it! He will totally deserve it!

We got 8 eggs today! WOOT WOOT!!! That's a lot for this ol' girl's ovaries!!! I am very pleased with that.

They will call me tomorrow with a fertilization report. And, I think we'll transfer on Thursday.

It is a beautiful day today, and I slept it all away, but I am sure my little eggs and R's sperm were wide awake and gettin' things done!!!

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness, for His names sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for though art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

50th Post

I had thought I'd do something creative for my 50th post, but, I think I'll just give an update on where we are and save something creative for number 100 :)

Saturday morning I had my last ultrasound. 9 follicles, lining at 7.5, estrogen at 2400. Looking pretty good for my pathetic little ovaries :)

We triggered at 8:30 Saturday night - HCG in my butt. The shot didn't hurt at all but my ass sure has been sore today!! It does relieve the anxiety about the progesterone shots.

Daddy's surgery went great! He is at home now and feeling OK for just having major surgery! Good news there!

I wish I was in a better mood right now, I feel like it would help me for tomorrow. Just take my advice - DO NOT EVER HAVE 3 DOGS. I don't, but there are 3 at my house tonight. Its so freaking annoying.

Here is to a great fertilization report tomorrow!

Cycle Day 9

Today is CD 9. I've been going to the DR almost daily. Let me say again how much I love them. All of them. Every person I have interacted with there has been a joy - except for the lab tech today - but, whatever. She wasn't mean - she just didn't give a shit. Oh, well. I don't think drawing blood for a living would be that great, either. The down and dirty:

7 follicles
estrogen still rising - ~900 and something today
Endo lining - 7 cm
Dr. K - very impressed with my response

I am pleased. I have a strange peace with this cycle. I don't know if its just because my Dad is having surgery tomorrow and that sort of put some perspective back into my life or what. This I do know - My Jesus saves. He will carry me when I cannot walk alone. We will survive this.

Daddy goes in for surgery tomorrow. He's going to be just fine and totally recovered and retired in time for the twins to arrive so he can babysit :)