Its Thursday Afternoon and I have lost my motivation

Has anyone seen it?

I had a major breakthrough in my big monthly reporting package today that is going to make life much easier. Once I figured it out, I pretty much checked out. That's OK, right?

We have our protocol for the next cycle...everything will be over and done with by around June 15th. Its a weird protocol that even an old veteran like me has a hard time figuring out. We'll get started soon.

This is it, though. All in.

I'm hoping that by some miracle Grace of God we can freeze something. Well, I'm really banking on it working AND us being able to freeze.

We'll see. I'll probably really get my hopes up once we get started. For now, I'm just over being infertile. I'm ready to cash in and head to a remote island...work at a suntan lotion stand on the beach. Be a free spirited hippie - Me, R and our dogs.

The plan is to do this cycle under the radar. No daily estrogen levels and follicle count updates. Early appointments so there are no questions at work. No blogging about every emotion - too many people know about my blog for me to blog and still have a low key cycle. I'm hoping to avoid anyone calling me the day of my beta to ask about the results. I'm hoping to avoid the past repeating itself.

I labeled this post IVF #4. I never in my life dreamed what was in store for us in our effort to grow our family. Its been a heartbreaking chain of events over the past 2 and a half years that we will either get through and be stronger for or we will let it tear us apart. Luckily, for us, we are not letting IF win. No matter how this last cycle turns out, what joy or heart ache it brings, we are going to survive.

With my lack of blogging, I find I have so much to say. Maybe going underground wasn't the best idea.

Here are some updates that are basically jumping off my chest!!!:

1. My friend over at a Few Good Sperm had a negative beta after IVF#1 yesterday. Please go give her some support.
2. I'm having friends with 6 beautiful girls tonight, who also happen to be infertile. Most of us go to the same doctor. We are all less than 7 degrees separated.
3. Mother's Day is soon and has really been on my mind. I am so truly blessed to have such a wonderful Mom.
4. Several close friends are expecting...its had a strange effect on me. Not a bad effect, just a strange one. I'm trying to sort through those feelings.
5. Work has actually been pretty good- I've been in the office more lately and am not hating it so much. Maybe it's been my attitude in the past about being here...maybe I'm just over spending so much energy dreading it here.
6. I'm taking a cake decorating class in May...I am so nerdy...and SO EXCITED! Hopefully, I will have the motivation to show up to Show and Tell and share my creations :)
7. We've been working in the yard and it's been really gratifying. My rhododendron were blooming this morning and it absolutely made my day. They are gorgeous.

Its nice to be back. I've missed you girls. Thanks for understanding my need for a break from it all!

MIA

No, not the name Mia - I am talking about me...being M.I.A. I went on "spring break" last week - funny seeing how I am NOT a teacher nor am I a student. Oh, well, the tradition continues for this lady.

We had a wonderful week of beautiful weather, too much beer, lots of yummy food and laughs. But, its always nice to return home.

R and I leave for the beach again on Wednesday for a good friend's wedding. I am a slacker - basically taking 2 weeks off from work. Oh well...that's what vacation time is for!!!

Met with Dr. K today - went over new protocol, etc. We'll get started either in a couple weeks or the next cycle. I'm kinda over being infertile, though. I am sick of thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. I know...you get the point. So, while I will be here - cheering you on, I may not be posting very often.

I re-read "Waiting for Daisy" for the 3rd time last night. Man, that book...go get it if you haven't read it before. Or, ladies - let me know if you want to borrow it - although I might make you sign over your first born in the promise that you will return it. (Anyone laughing at my joke???). Anyway, that book basically feels like my life - minus the 5 continents, 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions. However, she has so many insightful things to say. I might start at the beginning of it again tonight.

Anywhoo...just wanted you to know I am here. Praying for my sisters in the trenches. Praying for myself....waiting for my own Daisy.

My pathway is broken...

I was thinking last night how much life has changed in the 4 and 1/2 years R and I have been married. Its truly amazing. I almost can't remember the person I was back then. We were so very different.

When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.

So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!

Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.

My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.

We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.

The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.

We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.

My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.

What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.

I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.

This is not the path I would have chosen.

My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.

All kinds of self pity here today...

Take note of my warning, friends. It is not a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.

Ah, well. Such is life.

I am in a funk today. Not sure if its the weather or what. I found out that a "friend" at my RE got PG on her first IVF cycle. I'm happy for her - but so freaking jealous I can't even stand it. I am so jealous that she has such insanely strong Beta's...I would lay money that she's having twins. I want to be that totally selfless person that jumps for joy and cries with excitement for her, but I just can't. I feel like this freaking IF journey has become a race to get pregnant and I keep losing. I'm so jealous that I can see the green in my skin. I am so full of self pity and I can't see past my own nose.

How I long for the day that I can send the email - "My Beta was 7,750 today. We are just sitting on pins and needles still. Too worried to be excited." I know we'll be worried/excited/scared shitless/out of our mind happy. I got to enjoy a very poor beta for 24 hours once - knowing it wouldn't last - and I couldn't believe the emotions we felt. It was total euphoria. I've never been so scared and so happy in my life. Will I ever feel that again? Today, my glass appears half empty and I am terrified that I'll never know the joys of pregnancy or parenthood. I'm so pissed off that we had 2 perfect embryos and neither found it comfortable enough to take root. I'm so pissed that them not taking likely means that something was chromosomally wrong with them. I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch.