No sick joke here!

We saw one healthy heartbeat today! It was amazing. It's so incredible that at 6 weeks you can see that heartbeat!!

It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.

I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.

Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.

Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!

Sleepless at Six Weeks

For the first time in six weeks, I have been laying in bed for an hour without being able to fall asleep. It may be the pending ultrasound tomorrow and my anxiety surrounding that. Will I get there and they tell me this has all been a sick joke and nothing is growing in my uterus? That is a serious fear. Also, my blogging, or lack there of, is on my mind.

Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.

I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.

I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.

I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...

I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.

Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)

Testing...Testing...1...2...3

Testing...That's what we've been doing since June 11th.

Beta 1 = 246.5
Beta 2 = 711.9
Beta 3 = 5626

I cannot even believe it. It is surreal.

R doesn't want anyone to know, so, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. It is the hardest thing to do!!! We have an ultra sound on Tuesday...

Is this really happening??? Oh, I just felt my sore boobs. Yep...I think it's real!!!!

They don't get better than this...

McDonald's for breakfast - check
Wearing something green -check check
A purse full of my favorite talismans - check
2 blasts - check
1 pregnancy - let's hope...

As the title suggests - the DR said at our transfer regarding our blasts, "They don't get better than this...". I just wish we could fast forward 6 weeks - then, if we are pregnant we would be seeing those heartbeats. And if we aren't, we would,hopefully, be past the worst of it.

Maybe I'll puke in the morning and have really sore boobs...

Here's hopin...

People are idiots

So, I am in the office today. And, I am talking to the Senior Manager here. Just a nice, friendly conversation. I tell her I am planning to make my niece a dress for her birthday and monogram it and she says - So, are yall just going to adopt? Several issues with this statement. First of all, you can't "just" adopt- this is a long process and can involve as much heartache and despair as IVF. Second of all, if I wanted to talk about my family plans with you, bitch, I would have said so. In the meantime, mind your fucking business.

So, if you see me driving this in a month, you will know that my TTC journey is over.

And, if, God forbid, that happens...hopefully, all those idiots that don't "get" IF will their mouths shut.

I am WOMAN...Hear me ROAR!!!

I did my own PIO shot last night! Yeah!!!

It actually hurt less than when R does it!

I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...

When it rains...

It pours.

My dad fell out of a tree today and broke his ankle. A catastrophic break. What was he doing in a tree, you ask? Hell if I know. Trying to cut a branch that wouldn't have even fallen in his yard. He crawled on his hands and knees from the bottom of the lot, up 4 stairs into the house and called my mom.

In the midst of IVF and him having just retired - literally, less than 3 weeks ago - it's a lot for one family to handle.

I am so thankful that it was just his ankle - and not his neck. But, at the same time, since his surgery in March, it's been a steady realization that my Dad is no longer 40 and as able bodied as his younger self. It's scary...and it makes me sad.

What's that? Hope? I thought we were no longer friends...

I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart.

A few reasons for hope:

My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.

A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?

So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.

Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.

I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.