Revisiting my old self

Oft I have felt that since my beta finally rose and doubled and has produced a 28 week gestation to date, that I have not had anything thoughtful or even well thought out to say/write. Pregnancy brain is a real phenomenon...and my old brain is no longer recognizable.

I promised I would never complain with pregnancy symptoms and have had to eat my words on many occasions. I don't think I'm really complaining, but R has said that when I think I am "stating" that my back hurts...that it sounds more like a whine or...gasp...complaint. I recently "stated" to my mom that this whole pregnancy thing is somewhat comparable to all of the waiting we suffered through trying to get pregnant. I don't mean it like that...it's much more bearable waiting. It's a nicer wait...I know, with reasonable assurance, that this time next year my little butterbean will be laughing and crawling and melting my heart every chance she gets. This wait is by far, the best wait of my life. BUT....(there's always a but, ya know!), it's like being 5 and waiting on Christmas. It's a slow 40 weeks. I'm ready to see that sweet face...to see if she has R's perfect feet and his more tan complexion, compared to my very rosy complexion. I wonder if she'll have curly hair, brown or blonde, what color her eyes will be, what her fingernails will look like. I can't stand it I want to meet her so badly!

While I am so very impatiently waiting on this perfect little being to enter our life, my good friend is waiting, seemingly more patiently than me, on her first beta after her first IVF. I tried to convince her to make them see her today...but she goes in tomorrow morning. For the most part, I've been successful in blocking out the most miserable of the 2 week waits, but her wait has felt more like my own than I imagined possible. I pray for her and for this to be the only IVF cycle she ever suffers through.

I was searching through some old emails today and stumbled across an email from my first IVF of 2009. I wrote:

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, w e are devastated and praying for a miracle.

Thank you all so much for you love and friendship.

It makes me cry reading it now. It amazes me how far we've traveled in 3 and a half years. Notice I don't say "how far we've come" - it doesn't seem like we actually went anywhere, but took a huge detour that did finally take us to the next step of our lives that we'd been seeking. Instead of going directly straight to that next step, I feel our path was more of a U shaped street that we somehow got lost on and finally made it back to the original road we intended to be on the whole time...only about 1 footstep ahead of where we were detoured to begin with.

While my pregnancy brain typically only allows me to think in bullet points or facebook statuses, this email provoked the old me that I thought I'd been missing. Sorry friends, I'll take bullet points any day over the agony of the journey that led me to these status update thoughts.

My heart will always know the agony of IF...and I know I will have days that take me back to the nightmare that was our life for 3 years for the rest of my life. Today, I'll relish the fact that we did finally make it that one step that took 30 months.

This is the first time, since discovering our wait had a due date, that I've felt like my blog was still viable. I've really struggled with not having much to say and feeling that what I did have to say was no longer relevant. I welcome these thoughtful days, but I'm really looking forward to staying in my bullet point/facebook status brain for the next several months.

For this child, we have prayed

And we will keep praying. We got a curve ball on Friday. We should be used to this, yes? Afterall, we've survived 3 years of infertility poking and prodding and seem to be stronger and better for it. When I say we, I mean R and me.

So, appointment with the Perinatal Consultant on Friday. Apparently, I have a bicornuate uterus? WHAT? 30 months of endless dildo cam's shoved up my nether regions...no one ever noticed? An HSG and a sonohystogram...no mention of it. So, we're high risk and will see another Dr. every 4 weeks along with Archie. My cervix is fine and Butterbean is measuring perfectly. I've read some information via Dr. Google, but have decided to nip that in the bud...after all, I'm not taking my Zo.LoFt and I just can't take it. I'm going to trust the good Lord and my wonderful Docs and we'll get this baby here safe and healthy if it's the last thing I do!!!

My mother in law once told me - "Tara, God got you this far...he'll get you through it." I think those are pretty wonderful words. I also love my good friend, Amy (who is in her 2ww on IVF #1 if you can give her some encouragement...), for ingraining this bible verse into my life, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11.

I am thankful for the extra care we will receive through the next 26(+ or -) weeks and the extra looks we will get at Butterbean.

I am trying to stay positive about this whole uterus thing. Please feel free to smack me if/when I get self-absorbed with my little pity party. I couldn't help but feel even more inadequate with this news than IF has made me feel over the past years. Oh, and good ol' Dr. Google telling me I had a birth defect didn't help! I am, however, very grateful for this inadequate body and have to trust that it will survive this pregnancy and give us that healthy baby we have been praying for!

The good news from Friday and the best part of this post!!! We were able to get a peek at that hiney....and, we are having a little girl! We are thrilled to know and have made some decisions already on furniture for the nursery and furniture placement. (This is a big deal for us...we spent 3 years picking furniture for our master bedroom!). Now, we must start saving for the important things...like Feldman Brothers dresses and weddings - HAHAHA!!!

Yes, I'm still here...

I've been a terrible blogger recently. This is partly due to the fact that I feel guilty for blogging in the infertile community while pregnant, I'm lazy as all freaking get out, and that I'm looking for the new normal of what our life is to become.

While I will always bear the scars of this infertility battle, and already think of the future cycles I will likely insist we endure (I've never imagined life with just one butterbean), I feel sort of like a fraud on my blog lately. Sort of like...um...what's a good analogy here? I don't know. I just feel sort of misfit...insisting a square peg will fit into a round hole, if you will. One thing I will never be - flippant about my pregnancy. I will never look at a pregnant stomach and be anything but envious of the ease at which some become that way. I'll never forget the months on months of heart ache and the damage it caused to several relationships...or how R and I actually grew so much closer during that heartache. I will always be infertile.

We made trip #2 to my OB/GYN today, Archie. He is so freaking awesome. While at the beach last week, I had some dis-colored dis-charge. I was totally thinking emergency room and the nightmares of what might ensue. I called Archie's office and they paged him. He called me back within 15 MINUTES!!! OMG!! I thought I would never get that kind of service at the regular DR's office! He was wonderful - told me it was totally normal, but to call and he'd see me when we got home if I was still worried. So, of course, we saw him today. We heard that beautiful heartbeat and saw that beautiful little butterbean again. He laughed and told me that he knew I just wanted another u/s. Everything is fine. I believe him now...and I'm going to relax. I've gotta put my trust in him and in HIM and believe that we are going to welcome Butterbean into this world and our family in February.

We have a 13 week scan a week from Friday. This will tell us our risks for chromosomal abnormalities, which Archie says will be low given our age, and another look at the Butterbean. Maybe we will even get to find out the gender.

Butterbean, which I keep calling a He just for lack of knowing, is measuring 6 cm today at exactly 12 weeks. He didn't tell us the heart-rate, but was able to pick it up on the Doppler right away. Also, we had the external ultrasound. WHAT? No vaginal ultrasounds? OMG!!

I'm starting to show a little. The 15 pounds I've gained over the last 3 years probably is a factor, as I haven't gained any since getting PG. (According to the DR, I have gained 2 lbs - but I haven't gone over my heaviest weight recorded, so, I call it even...). I have been wearing maternity pants because my regular pants won't zip or button. My boobs - HUGE. Its on the agenda this week to get new bras. Only 1 of mine fits now and those girls are BUSTIN out of it. It's all very surreal. And, I'm loving it.

I've been following all of you...and keeping you in my prayers. Sorry for the slacker I've been at commenting. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss for words. It seems so redundant to say - I've been there. So, I just sit at my laptop and cry with you and pray. So, I've been absent physically, but you haven't been off my mind.

This post is kind of all over the place. That's how my brain works these days. Hope you could follow it a little!