4 months old!

Molly is 4 months old! Click here if you are interested in hearing my gushing about my sweet little one!

Coming Back Out...

Dude...this password protected stuff is for the birds. This blog has been a great source of strength for me for a long time. If someone wants to read it and doesn't like it...well, I'm sorry. Freedom of speech and all...

In all honesty, this blog has a lot of very raw, very intense emotions splayed out for all the world to see. I wasn't always (ha! EVER!) very nice or compassionate or self-less, etc., when struggling through infertility. However, I hope that maybe there is someone out there that needs to know that she has a sisterhood out here...that there are people here that have lived through it...and are still breathing on the other end...where ever that "end" may be. I hope that my words can help someone feel less alone in their struggle.

With that said...I'm back :) And, I'm glad to be out of the closet (again!)!

1 year ago today

This morning (5AM) as I was nursing my sweet girl, I realized that a year ago today was our egg retrieval that resulted in our pregnancy with her. Today's June 1st is quite different from the June 1st of 2009. I am actually more emotional about it as we hit the 1 year mark of our conception and the long awaited 2 pink lines. What a difference a year can make...

A year ago my blog post read:

I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart...

So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening. I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.

My favorite moments with Molly are those like this morning...where we are together in the quite of the hours before dawn, just the 2 of us. My heart melts when she puts her tiny hand on my breast as she nurses. She'll sometimes look up at me - mouth full - and smile while nursing. It's those moments that make the journey through infertility seem so far away and ease the pain that consumed those years.

As we look to the future, I know we will go through difficult months again when we try to have another child. I pray that I can channel these moments with my Molly girl and realize it will all be worth it.

Wherever you are in your journey, I pray that you find the peace and happiness that Molly has brought to our hearts.

I'm an idiot...

So, I forgot to leave my email address in the last post to allow you the opportunity to even email me to tell me how absolutely wonderful my blog is and how you just can't live without having access to it anymore :) Please email me at tsadesigns(at)gmail(dot)com if you want to continue to follow.

Thanks!

Going Undercover...

With the start of my Molly's blog...I've decided to password protect this blog. While many of my friends and family have access to it, there are some dark days on here that maybe aren't so complimentary of some people in my life. Please email me if you want the password, but I'll likely be posting only once every blue moon here.

Thank you all for your support over the past year plus. This blog has provided so much comfort to my heart and my head and I'm really not sure how I would have survived without it. Lest I forget my in real life friends Divine Secrets has also brought...

What a wonderful community we have in blog land!

Thank you!

I've moved...

Well, sort of. I think I will still keep this blog active...but private from most of my family. I'll be over here: http://adkissonfamily2010.blogspot.com/, blogging about my precious little one.

I hope to see you there!

Molly's Journey into the World...

I have been meaning to write this post for days, but my days keep getting away from me. I never understood what housewives did all day, but, I actually stay pretty busy!!! Yesterday, my Mom came for the day and I ventured out to Target and left my sweet girl at home with her Nanna. It was really odd...I got my Starbucks and strolled around the store. I did miss her, but, it was nice to get out. I was super tired when I got home...the ol' c-section is still not healed. Motherhood is more than I ever dreamed of...

So, on to Molly's story...bullet points might be easiest...

• Wednesday, February 3rd - I woke up at 5AM and felt weird. I called Archie at 11:30 and told them what was going on...faint, but regular contractions every 5 minutes. They told us to come on in. I called R at work...he panicked and hurried home. I drove us to Archie's and he worked on breathing :). When we arrived, my blood pressure was high - 140/90 - and I was indeed having contractions. We monitored and then Archie sent me on to my orthopedic appointment for my carpal tunnel. After 2 quite painful cortisone shots, we went back to Archie and he decided to send us on over to the hospital. Not surprisingly, my blood pressure went back to normal once we were checked in and I was in all my glory in the hospital gown. We went home after 2 hours.


• Thursday, February 4th - I went with R to the drug store to pick up my RX for my hemi's...oh,w hat wonderful things those are...I took my BP on the machine there...it was like 152/95. I called Archie...went straight to the hospital again, was put on strict bed rest and stayed until Saturday, the 6th.


• I came home to a freshly painted and VERY SMELLY home. NOT A GOOD IDEA to have your house painted on the inside when you are pregnant...not sure what we were thinking.


• Super Bowl Sunday - February 7th - we went to my sister's to spend the night. I laid on the couch and battled a headache...went to Publix and took my insanely high BP. The Dr on call yelled at me for sitting up for 30 minutes. Oops...


• Monday, February 8th - went in for my weekly appointment. Still high BP, no dilation. We discussed inducing that day or waiting until the next Monday. We decided it was better for the baby to try to keep her in another week. Head home to strict bed rest.


• Thursday, February 11th - Mom came up to take me in for my 1:30 appointment. Lost 4 pounds since Monday - RANDOM! No dilation...no action...but...high BP and now protein in my urine. Archie told me to check in the hospital at 5PM and we'd start cervidil and induce on Friday morning. WOW. R panics - haha - leaves work and meets us at my sister's house. I take a bath at my sister's...since there is no telling when my next shower will be! Daddy meets us at my sister's, too...my mother in law almost passes out when I call her...I forget - who is about to have a baby??? R and I leave sister's and get to the hospital right on time. We get hooked up - can we say HUGE IV??? We try to settle in...being at the good ol' hospital at this point is routine...so, I order up some dinner and R goes to Barnes and Noble and gets himself and me a book. We're a little overwhelmed with knowing we are having a baby the next day...sort of quiet between phone calls. Oh, and then the cervidil (spelling?). Seriously...I've been through a lot of crap the past 3 years...and NOTHING compares to this. The first nurse didn't get it in right and it half way fell out when I peed. So, nurse #2 has her turn...I had to request some ice for the ol' vag. Dude...give me a progesterone shot in the butt any day. I got my ambien at like 8:30 and still had a very restless night.


• Awake at 4:40 AM...I waited and they came in at 6:30, started Pitocin and at 7AM when the Dr checked me my water broke. Looking like we'll have us a baby...just waiting on her now. And wait we did. at 3:30PM I was a little uncomfortable so they gave me my epidural. Not bad! I was pretty nervous about it...and it really wasn't bad! My BP went really low, though, so they gave me something in my IV to help and some zofran for the nausea. Life is lookin' good...lookin' like we'll have us a baby. Dr comes in to check me...STILL less than 2 cm dilated. We'll wait some more. She breaks the last little pocket of water and we hope that will speed things along. 7:30PM...still less than 2CM dilated. DUDE...come on little girl. At this point, I've been awake for 15 hours...and I've never quite gotten over my anxiety of labor and delivery. I asked the nurse when the Dr will come back and she said around midnight...please open the flood gates because here come the tears!!! Needless to say, the Dr came back in at 8PM. We discuss the options of waiting another few hours or waiting the whole night or having a c-section. Either way, this baby needs to get out by 7AM Saturday morning. My Mom must have instinctively knew something was going on because she came in as the Dr was leaving to give us a few minutes to discuss. Mom was a voice of reason in a very scary time for us...we had no idea and just wanted the baby to be safe and healthy. Mom was like - "Just have the c-section - no big deal. Get that baby out and let's see her face. Yall will both be fine." So, tearfully, we try to get our act together...I had made shirts for the grandparent's that said "Molly's Nanna", "Molly's Pop", etc. I wanted them to all come in the room and R give them to the grandparents. Little did we know, that once we told the Dr we would do the c-section, it would be all hands on deck. My sweet nurse, Connie, told us -"You've got 2 minutes". OMG. I'm the youngest and a Daddy's girl at heart...and I needed to see him. This other lady was coming in to shave me. Um...not appropriate for Daddy to see. It ended up that no one came into the room and R just gave them their shirts in the hall. I saw Daddy as they wheeled me to the OR - and we both sobbed. We had told Dr. M (Archie wasn't on call that night, but Dr. M was AWESOME!!!) at 8:30 we wanted to do the C and at 8:42 I was in the OR. Yes - it was FAST. There were like a hundred people in the OR. I remember the anesthesiologist introducing himself and the nurse anesthetist and they were making sure I was numb enough. The betadine went on my stomach...Dr. M tested to make sure I was numb enough (I wasn't) and I kept asking for R. He said when he was allowed in that they had already started the procedure. I remember asking Dr. M if R could cut the cord - he couldn't because he wasn't sterilized - and them telling me to take a deep breath because there would be some pressure. Yep...there was pressure. And suction. And more pressure. Molly did NOT want to come out. But then, she was out. And my life changed forever. I cried and told them to let me hear her cry and I heard her and Dr. M told me she was perfect. They took her to the side to clean her up and I could see her...R told me that she was wonderful. At some point, R and I talked to the anesthesiologist and nurse anesthetist bout the movie "The Hangover" - so appropriate. It had to be before Molly arrived. I was too emotional once she got here. R went with her to the nursery and met me in recovery. I remember feeling like I was going to faint or vomit and asking politely for zofran - they giggled and said it was funny that I knew what to ask for...but that they'd give me finergan (sp?) and that it was better. Once I was in recovery I was very shaky and Connie gave me demerol. Needless to say, things start getting a little hazy. R brought Molly in and Mommy came in first to see us. R held her and showed her to me. He was so sweet. He has NEVER held a newborn before. Never. He didn't hold my niece until she was 6 weeks old. I held her for a minute - I was too shaky and nervous that I'd drop her. Mom held her, too. I cried and there were lots of pictures. Everyone took their turn coming in - Mom, Dad, R's parents and my sister. R kept holding the rail of my bed and I remember telling him "If you touch my bed again, I will kill you". NICE, Tara. But, in my defense, it really hurt. They wheeled me down the hall and I thought I might die when they hit bumps and, yes, when they ran my bed into the wall. O...M...G. Pain. I got to push the button that plays the lullaby announcing that a baby was born. R pushed Molly down the hall in her bassinet and I am pretty certain he set off the alarm when he went by the elevators. Only us :) We got to our room and I remember the clock saying 2:45AM when the nurses finally left us alone. You may think we are terrible, but we sent her to the nursery that night.


• Saturday, February 13th - the nurse came in at 5AM - yes, AM, and told me I had to walk to the bathroom. I tried to be polite, but told her she was out of her mind. I took 2 - 2 inch steps and got back in bed. They took out my catheter and I told them I'd likely just pee in the bed before getting up. Yes, I'm a super nice patient :). R changed his first diaper that morning and I directed from the bed and took pictures :). I couldn't believe she was here...and had to keep pinching myself. At noon, I finally got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. I felt light years better than I had at 5AM...(but keep in mind I still had my epidural and this awesome button I could push for pain every 10 minutes). That button was FAB!


• Sunday, February 14th - people who tell you that the 3rd day after surgery is the worst are RIGHT. BELIEVE THEM. It was a long day and I was grumpy and tired. Molly's jaundice tests came back high and we had some moments of new parent total anxiety about it. R went home that night and Mom stayed with me. I think that was a really wise choice - R was exhausted and let's face it, Mom's are a little more nurturing than the ol' spouses!


• Monday, February 15th - they told me I could go home if I wanted. Did I want? HELL YES. We left at 3PM and had an uneventful ride home and arrived to an empty house just us and the dogs. (Assvice - do this if you can. It was WONDERFUL to just be the 3 of us).


• And, as they say, the rest is history. Molly has forever changed my life...she is wonderful and fills my heart with a love I've never known. I cannot remember life before her and cannot imagine life without her. For all of the hell we went through to get to her...I'd do it a hundred times over if I knew it would lead me to her.

Welcome to the world, my little girl!

Baby A Arrives!!!

Molly arrived via c-section Friday, February 12, 2010 at 9:15:46PM weighing in at 8lbs 3.6oz and 20.5 inches long.

I have lots of blogging to do - but am too tired to get everything down tonight. I promise to post her entire birth story soon!

Tonight, I wanted to share this picture. She made the journey worth it....

OH MY GAH...(Think Janice from Friends)...

I cannot believe Baby A will be here so soon. My blood pressure has gone all wonky, and after 2 separate stays at the hospital last week, they will induce Monday the 15th if she doesn't come on her own before then. WOW. 30 months of trying to conceive and 9 months of pregnancy...and what? We are actually going to have a baby??? WOW. I can hardly believe it. Currently, I am on bed rest at home and go back to the DR on Thursday. To date, we've had no action in the cervix department...so, I'm hoping this little girl will beat it open at least a little before we induce. I've had pretty bad carpal tunnel since week 34, but had cortisone shots last week that are proving to help. My right hand still has some tingling, but the left is pretty much back to normal (knock on wood!!!).

While I am not the best patient, I am trying to be cognizant of my attitude and requests...since I don't want anyone coming to stay with us, it's just R and me and I know that it's a lot on him. He went back to work today and was a wonderful Mr. Mom when he got home. I did alright on my own today, but worked more than I should have and wore myself out. I am going to check in tomorrow and then I'm cutting that cord until Baby A arrives! I'd like to go get a pedicure, but I'm not sure that would be smiled upon my R or my doctors. We'll see....

Being this close to the end has made me really nostalgic. I am so glad that my baby already has so many people who love her...and she has 4 grandparents that are over the moon to meet her. I really miss my grandparents right now, but I know they will be smiling down upon us and will know her as intimately as we do.

I wish I had the energy (or breath...as I am currently winded typing...) to be really eloquent about how I am feeling...maybe tomorrow. But...this much I know...all of the agony we've been through...and any anxiety I have about labor and delivery...will be so worth it when we meet our little slice of heaven.

13 Chromosomes does not a father make....

I'm impressing myself by posting twice in 24 hours. This is like pre-pregnancy blogging for me!!!

First, just a few updates on the home front...

• Just got back from the Dr today and everything is looking fine. Sweet little girl's heart rate is great and she was very active for the Dr.
• I've been having excessive itchiness...all over...head to toe...want to rip my skin off itchiness. He said this was pretty normal but did a blood test for Pupps just to be safe. I'm promising myself not to stress about it.
• I'm 33 weeks today, which means that in 2 weeks if I start contracting or anything they will not stop labor. WHAT? OMG...I have so much to do...better get motivated in the world of work so I can actually take maternity leave :)
• My back has been hurting so I've been visiting the chiropractor...I think the man is a genius...although, I could live without the questions on vaccinations, etc. But, hey, everyone has their own opinion, right?
• Baby girl's nursery is about complete - we need to get a couple of shelves to hang on the walls and the tub/toilet room of the bathroom still needs painting...but, for the most part, we're good to go :)
• OMG - could we really have this baby in 2 weeks? hahahahaha....It's crazy that this is finally, really happening!!!!

So, for the subject of the title to this post...

My "little" cousin, A, got married this past weekend. She's 4 years younger than me and we were very close growing up. The years have put distance between us, but, when we're together, it's like we have never missed a beat. She's sort of like a little sister to me...and I'm pretty protective of her. She was a beautiful bride and I cried like a fool when she walked down the isle. Weddings can be so emotional (even when you aren't pregnant!). It was a wonderful celebration of love and I truly believe she has married a man that will make her happy.

She is a product of her mom's first, very short lived, marriage. Her mom babysat me when A was a new born and I can remember her laying in the center of a king sized bed napping and she was soooo tiny! I loved being with her. When the marriage ended, my grandmother babysat A and her mom went back to work. She met a WONDERFUL man and married him...I have no idea of the time line...I was 4 when A was born :). Anyhow, the man her mom married has long since legally adopted her and has been her Father. He has been the man who was there when she broke her ankle at the neighbors, who taught her how to play basketball (which I never got since she's like 5ft2...), taught her how to drive and bought her a car, sent her off on her first date, consoled her first heartbreak, put her through college...and gave her away at her wedding. HE is her FATHER, her DAD.

A did invite her biological father to the wedding after severe pressure she received. She does not keep in touch with him, but does vaguely keep in touch with his mother. So, at the wedding, people kept saying - well, that's her real dad...

I don't know. It just bothered me. How insulting to her and to her Father. The man who is biologically her father was, in my mind, basically a sperm donor. That's all he ever gave her. 13 chromosomes. That's it. Her REAL Dad gave her life experiences, love, compassion, education, a relationship. That's what makes him her parent. The man who gave her life is not her parent and doesn't deserve to ever be called her "real dad". I was so insulted for her and her Dad when I heard people say that at the wedding.

Just because someone gave you life, does not make them your parent.

This post is not as eloquent as it sounded in my head...I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Looking forward and behind...

I hadn't been inspired to write a New Year's post until today. 2009 was a long year that, thankfully, ended very well for us. Murgdan inspired me tonight and I'm just going to copy her basic format....We are so very thankful that 2010 is the Year of the Baby for us, as well. While 2009 was quite a bumpy ride, I can reflect with an understanding mind and a thankful heart.

January we began with our new RE - Dr. K and I was certain he was our knight in shining armor that would save us from the depths of our infertility hell. This post pretty well sums up my mindset for the beginning of the year. I was (still am...) so angry at my last RE and really excited about the new clinic. Hope hadn't quite yet set in, but I was anxious to move forward with Dr. K and IVF #3.

February began with hope and ended in sorrow. The posts from that month bring back such raw emtotion that I still cry when I read through.

March began my decline in posts and was filled with mixed days of sadness, anger and some glimpses of happiness.

In April, we had our WTF appointment with Dr. K, decided to go all in on one last cycle and I realized my pathway was broken...the signs were unclear...but I knew there was a reason He had brought me there.

May brought on our last IVF attempt, a new hobbie for me (sewing) and the Month of Mothers...

June 2009 was quite possibly the best month of our life, as we had a BFP at 10dp5dt just one day before our 5 year wedding anniversary. I became boring, pregnant blogger.

July through December I was basically the world's worst blogger and mostly just posted updates about how wonderful the world is and how some days Infertility is still a total bitch.

All in all, 2009 was a wonderful year. My Dad is recovering from his broken foot, has beaten prostate cancer, his surgery in February found only a benign tumor, my sister and I are both expecting. Who could ask for more, right? I still have days where I can't believe that in 7 weeks we'll have a little girl of our very own!

To all of my blogger friends, thank you for your comments, support and real life friendships. You have made my life more bearable on unbearable days and have added to the happiness we've been blessed to have bestowed upon us. May 2010 bring us all health, happiness and dreams that come true.

Here's to an even better 2010.