Revisiting my old self

Oft I have felt that since my beta finally rose and doubled and has produced a 28 week gestation to date, that I have not had anything thoughtful or even well thought out to say/write. Pregnancy brain is a real phenomenon...and my old brain is no longer recognizable.

I promised I would never complain with pregnancy symptoms and have had to eat my words on many occasions. I don't think I'm really complaining, but R has said that when I think I am "stating" that my back hurts...that it sounds more like a whine or...gasp...complaint. I recently "stated" to my mom that this whole pregnancy thing is somewhat comparable to all of the waiting we suffered through trying to get pregnant. I don't mean it like that...it's much more bearable waiting. It's a nicer wait...I know, with reasonable assurance, that this time next year my little butterbean will be laughing and crawling and melting my heart every chance she gets. This wait is by far, the best wait of my life. BUT....(there's always a but, ya know!), it's like being 5 and waiting on Christmas. It's a slow 40 weeks. I'm ready to see that sweet face...to see if she has R's perfect feet and his more tan complexion, compared to my very rosy complexion. I wonder if she'll have curly hair, brown or blonde, what color her eyes will be, what her fingernails will look like. I can't stand it I want to meet her so badly!

While I am so very impatiently waiting on this perfect little being to enter our life, my good friend is waiting, seemingly more patiently than me, on her first beta after her first IVF. I tried to convince her to make them see her today...but she goes in tomorrow morning. For the most part, I've been successful in blocking out the most miserable of the 2 week waits, but her wait has felt more like my own than I imagined possible. I pray for her and for this to be the only IVF cycle she ever suffers through.

I was searching through some old emails today and stumbled across an email from my first IVF of 2009. I wrote:

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, w e are devastated and praying for a miracle.

Thank you all so much for you love and friendship.

It makes me cry reading it now. It amazes me how far we've traveled in 3 and a half years. Notice I don't say "how far we've come" - it doesn't seem like we actually went anywhere, but took a huge detour that did finally take us to the next step of our lives that we'd been seeking. Instead of going directly straight to that next step, I feel our path was more of a U shaped street that we somehow got lost on and finally made it back to the original road we intended to be on the whole time...only about 1 footstep ahead of where we were detoured to begin with.

While my pregnancy brain typically only allows me to think in bullet points or facebook statuses, this email provoked the old me that I thought I'd been missing. Sorry friends, I'll take bullet points any day over the agony of the journey that led me to these status update thoughts.

My heart will always know the agony of IF...and I know I will have days that take me back to the nightmare that was our life for 3 years for the rest of my life. Today, I'll relish the fact that we did finally make it that one step that took 30 months.

This is the first time, since discovering our wait had a due date, that I've felt like my blog was still viable. I've really struggled with not having much to say and feeling that what I did have to say was no longer relevant. I welcome these thoughtful days, but I'm really looking forward to staying in my bullet point/facebook status brain for the next several months.

Insert Post Title Here...

It's Friday and I'm so glad!!! It's been a long week - busy, busy. Tomorrow I have my first shower...and I'm soooo excited!!! R and I finished painting stripes in Butterbean's room last night (below the chair rail that is yet to be put up :)). It looks super cute. We did pink on pink...just a super glossy on top of regular paint. I'm really excited about it.

I met Murgdan and Amy for dinner this week with a girl friend who isn't a blogger. She started her first IVF cycle this week...and I'm so excited for her. It's so weird...you do all this to get pregnant, and then, once you are - it's a LOT of waiting. Don't get me wrong...I'd much rather wait with a baby in utero than still be trying to get pregnant...but, it's hard to make the transition from daily/weekly (feeling like hourly) doctor appointments, shots, protocols, etc. to waiting 4 weeks in between appointments and having nothing really to do during that time. The time seems to be passing us by more quickly with each week of this pregnancy and it seems like I was just at the OB and we go again next week. Anyway, I was soooo thrilled that my friend could finally get on the roller coaster that is IVF. She's had several set backs with endometriosis and has been patiently just waiting for almost 6 months. I really hope she's a one hit wonder.

Bottoms Off had a post this week called the Colors of Infertility. It really resonated with me and I've been thinking about it for a few days. She says,"So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"" That statement really took me back to some of our darkest days. The negative pregnancy test white is one of the most difficult images I've had to process time and time again.

Our struggles with IF consumed 30 months of our life...and now, at 25 weeks gestation, it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. Some days, I feel like taking a pregnancy test again just to see that 2nd line. The positive pregnancy test pink lines, if a paint color, would be called 'most perfect pink' in my world.

I'm so overjoyed that the IF chapter of my life seems to be behind me, but I have already been planning what we will do for child #2. How far will I take it? Can I survive IVF with a child at home? Do I *want* to survive IVF again with a child at home? It seems this infertile can only look forward so far...because I even said the other night...maybe 1 child will be enough. Maybe I want to spare myself the heartache of negative pregnancy test white for the rest of my life.

Here is to hoping all of my IF sisters get a 'most perfect pink' sighting in the near future.

How am I?

I am copying the idea of this post from my good friend, Murgdan!

My girlfriend called me the other day and said, "Um...you need to either email me pictures of your growing tummy or update your blog. I have a lot of prayer investment in this baby!" It was so sweet!!! We are so truly blessed to have so many people who care about us and who have been praying and cheering us on through this difficult chapter in our lives.

So, no belly shots for your viewing pleasure...I just feel weird doing those! So, you ask - How am I? I'm good :) I'm 24 weeks today...that means 16 weeks to go! WOW! Saying 16 weeks to go seems like such a short time. That's less than 4 months. I must admit, I'm not positive I have really let this sink in.

R and my Mom have felt her kick - and of course, I feel her moving around all the time. It's a bizarre, wonderful feeling. It was really validating for my Mom and R to feel her - it made me feel like "Ok, I'm not making this up. Those aren't gas bubbles rolling around...that's really my kid...".


Yes, still crazy as ever here in my corner of the earth!!


I have my first shower this weekend! So exciting. It's kind of early, but with the holidays and all, I guess they just wanted to have it early. I have my outfit picked out and hair is freshly highlighted. I'm good to go.


I've only gained about 5 pounds through these 24 weeks...which I would think was odd, but I'd gained about 10 pounds leading up to this, so, I think I'm good. My tummy isn't huge, but it's starting to poke. I definitely only wear maternity clothes - my normal clothes wouldn't dare try to button over this belly. I'm pretty obsessed with looking at it, touching it, feeling her move.


We've been working on the nursery...it's pink, of course. (If you know me in real life, this color choice is clearly a no-brainer!). R is going to hang chair rail and is striping with glaze underneath the chair rail. Who knew measuring and taping off stripes would be such a lesson in patience??? We have an armoire and a changing table - we're doing black furniture. I still need to order the crib - that's on the list for next week.


Life is pretty good :) We're just waiting on this little girl and doing the best we can to make sure we've prepared properly by the time she arrives!

Half of this marathon is complete! And lost friends found.

I can't even believe it! 20 weeks down...20 to go. I still get a little crazy with worry, but not as bad as I have been. I'm beginning to believe this baby is real. Mom was able to scan the U/S picture she has and she sent it to me today. In the U/S, Butterbean is waving her hand - it's like a hand print. I cried. That little hand represents so many hopes and dreams, tears and struggles. I can't wait to meet her! She sent it to me as a PDF, so the attachment won't upload.

I must admit, I'm a little bit of a facebook stalker. I like that I can keep up with people and not really have to putout any effort. LAZY...LOSER. I know. You can spare me my feelings though with the name calling :). So, today, on facestalker...er...facebook, I found my teacher from the 4th grade. It was her first year teaching and it was my first year at a new school. We had one of those "favorite student" relationships that other people hate (and, one day I'll be annoyed if someone is the favorite in my child's class...unless it's her :)). I totally adored her. I was convinced that she needed to marry my uncle so that she would always be a part of my life.

Although we lost touch, I always kept her in my heart. I heard she married and divorced -no idea if that is true - and that she moved back to Florida. I know now that she is married with 2 little girls and lives in Florida. I don't know...maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe I just really loved her that much, but, it made me cry to find her. I hope the years have treated her well and that she is happy...and I hope that she remembers me as fondly as I remember her.

100th post & Blogoversary

WOW! I can't believe I missed my blogoversary!!! And, I'm at 100? Craziness. Never did I think the past year would have unfolded the way it did or that on both my 100th post and my blogoversary that I'd be 18 weeks pregnant with a healthy little girl.

I had always planned to do a 100 things list for this post...but, what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men??? I am just not in the creative mind set for listing 100 things about any topic!!! It's raining here in Atlanta, been raining for a week...flooding all over the state, schools cancelled, people totally freaking out, traffic jams, and the like. I know it's serious business, and I pray for those who have lost a loved one in this catastrophe...but, this girl is in DESPERATE need of some sunshine.

Friday's appointment went wonderful. I saw the DR at my OB that had told me a few years ago that I was young and healthy and that I've hated ever since...and he was, well, very nice. I've changed my opinion on him and if he is who delivers my butterbean, then, I know we'll be just fine. We heard the heartbeat (right away - no looking for this girl's heart!!) and I'll get the flu shot at my next appointment. I still haven't gained any weight and he said that my weight was perfect...so, I'm not worried about it. Then, my Mom met us and we went over to the perinatologist. Confirmed - we are having a GIRL...and...I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I'm so glad I didn't read all about it and get totally stressed out. I'm not being sarcastic...I really didn't read very much at all about it. I just let it go. The whole business of getting pregnant wasn't easy, and I certainly don't expect this pregnancy to be without drama...so, I really had just let it go. She will see me one more time and then release me from her care. I really didn't mind going to her - since we got an ultrasound each time and could make sure our kid wasn't doing anything crazy in there, but, I'm fine either way. We got some really good looks at little Miss - 10 fingers, 10 toes, her little hiney...she was moving like crazy...I wonder if that's an indication that we are gonna have one hyper kid?? It was nice and Mom enjoyed getting a glimpse at her Grand-daughter.

Next appointment is October 16th...and I'm trying not to go insane before then!!! My belly is starting to poke out there, so, I think once I get past this "puberty" stage of pregnancy (just looking kinda fat) and actually look pregnant and can for sure feel her (right now, I can sometimes feel her...other times I'm not sure if it's her or just things adjusting down there) I'll calm down. I do feel better after Friday...her heartbeat was really strong and she's measuring perfectly. The DR even said - this is one healthy baby. So, for now, I'm good...but give me a couple weeks and I'll probably start wigging out again :)

Random post for my 100th and blogoversary, but, you can probably tell, I'm just not in the mood this week. I don't think weather has ever affected me this way!!!

I'm still here...

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been pretty calm around here...2 sick dogs that are driving me nuts...but, we're good. They just have upset stomachs...so, hopefully, they'll be fine in another day or 2.

We have our next appointment a week from Friday...4 weeks in between appointments is HELL!! Now I know why people buy dopplers...I seriously considered it the other day.

I have what feels like never-ending nerve attacks...just worrying about if something could be wrong. Mom says I'm just being like Daddy and creating stuff to worry about. I just get scared that something might happen. I guess this is what the rest of my life will be like! Worrying about her! I better tell Archie to have the zol.of.t on an IV drip as soon as I have her - hahah. Kidding. Well...mostly....

We went ahead and registered because I have a shower on November 7th. That was so fun...but way overwhelming! Man, baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!! But, only the best for Butterbean, right? Yeah...

Hopefully, they were right about her being a girl...since pretty much everything we picked out is pink. R was so funny - he said- I don't want anyone to mistake her for a boy...because I'll have to kick their ass. LOVE IT! He's going to be so sweet with a baby. If she turns out to be a he...well, then, we'll just adjust and go back to the naming battlegrounds...which, by the way, we are almost out of...maybe. We are duke-ing it out over middle names at the moment, but hopefully, unless I change my mind again, we've settled on a first name. I'm not going to monogram anything just yet :) I think it'd be easier if their name was just tattooed on their foot or something...can't God send these miracles with a pre-filled out birth certificate like at Baby Land General????

Random post...it's just where I'm at today. Nervous/anxious to hear her heartbeat again...pretty much all consumed with fear that I won't hear it. Maybe I should go get one of those dopplers tonight....

I think I feel her moving...

Yesterday morning, I was barely awake and felt this knock, knock, knock right below my belly button. And, I thought...is that gas? But then I felt it again. And then 2 more times after that.

Ol' girl was just saying good morning to her momma!!

So exciting!

I've got that bitch on a short leash, but somedays she still bites...

Ever have one of those days? Ugh...I am having one today. I'll probably cry myself to sleep and feel better tomorrow. I am hoping I can just "blog it out" and fore go the crying...puffy eyes aren't so hot.

I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...

We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.

Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.

March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.

Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.

I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???

IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.

Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.

Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.

But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**

*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.

**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.

For this child, we have prayed

And we will keep praying. We got a curve ball on Friday. We should be used to this, yes? Afterall, we've survived 3 years of infertility poking and prodding and seem to be stronger and better for it. When I say we, I mean R and me.

So, appointment with the Perinatal Consultant on Friday. Apparently, I have a bicornuate uterus? WHAT? 30 months of endless dildo cam's shoved up my nether regions...no one ever noticed? An HSG and a sonohystogram...no mention of it. So, we're high risk and will see another Dr. every 4 weeks along with Archie. My cervix is fine and Butterbean is measuring perfectly. I've read some information via Dr. Google, but have decided to nip that in the bud...after all, I'm not taking my Zo.LoFt and I just can't take it. I'm going to trust the good Lord and my wonderful Docs and we'll get this baby here safe and healthy if it's the last thing I do!!!

My mother in law once told me - "Tara, God got you this far...he'll get you through it." I think those are pretty wonderful words. I also love my good friend, Amy (who is in her 2ww on IVF #1 if you can give her some encouragement...), for ingraining this bible verse into my life, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11.

I am thankful for the extra care we will receive through the next 26(+ or -) weeks and the extra looks we will get at Butterbean.

I am trying to stay positive about this whole uterus thing. Please feel free to smack me if/when I get self-absorbed with my little pity party. I couldn't help but feel even more inadequate with this news than IF has made me feel over the past years. Oh, and good ol' Dr. Google telling me I had a birth defect didn't help! I am, however, very grateful for this inadequate body and have to trust that it will survive this pregnancy and give us that healthy baby we have been praying for!

The good news from Friday and the best part of this post!!! We were able to get a peek at that hiney....and, we are having a little girl! We are thrilled to know and have made some decisions already on furniture for the nursery and furniture placement. (This is a big deal for us...we spent 3 years picking furniture for our master bedroom!). Now, we must start saving for the important things...like Feldman Brothers dresses and weddings - HAHAHA!!!

Maybe a post for another blog...but for now, I'm posting here!

Just about every night I've been thinking about writing this post. And, I've been thinking about maybe a blog for our family...maybe a blog that I will one day show the Butterbean. I think his/her eyes and ears should be spared the Divine Secrets until they are well into adulthood. Not the fact that I am infertile, I just want to spare them the heartache, anger, depression, and ultimately, joy that I've documented in these theoretical pages of my diary for the whole world to read. I've been thinking maybe this new blog will be titled "You, me and Butterbean make 3." Cheesey, but, I think I might call this child Butterbean at his/her wedding....

So, I want to document what all has happened these past 13 weeks and 3 days...and I need to do it before I forget the sweet details and it all goes to pot.

June 11th - morning - At home pregnancy test. Your Daddy was in the bathroom and I busted in - breathless - "DUDE! There are 2 lines!!! Can you see them???" "Uh..yeah - what does that mean?" (In my head...seriously, buddy? 30 months of infertility battles and you don't know how to read a pregnancy test???) "It means IT WORKED!!!" I immediately sent my Mom (Nanna) an instant message, Aunt Mandie called me about 30 seconds later screaming.

June 11th - nighttime - another at home pregnancy test - still positive and darker lines!!! I called to report to Mom and Mandie.

June 12th - our 5 year wedding anniversary and another positive pregnancy test!! We left for Hilton Head to spend the weekend with Daddy's parents and Uncle Jeff and Aunt Kelly.

June 13th - Your grandfather (nickname TBD...) opens his fathers day gift that says "Happy Father's and Grandfather's day" while we were at breakfast at Skillet's. He looked at us and said "Is this for real??" He shows the card to your Grandmother and she screamed and started crying. At this point...I think we got a little attention and the waitress came over to give her congratulations.

June 15th - I had my first morning sickness/pregnancy symptom when Daddy made crab legs for me...I may never eat seafood again, but, Baby, you are worth it!!!

June 16th - my first Beta with my Doctor-it was through the roof!!

June 18th - second beta -still super high - all wonderful news!!!

Date to be inserted - our first ultrasound - and we saw a STRONG beating heart!!!

Date TBI - 2nd ultrasound - Aunt Mandie and I HEARD your heartbeat!! Daddy was at work :(

Date TBI - 3rd u/s - Daddy got to hear your heartbeat and recorded it so we could listen to it later!!

July 3rd - I got really sick after dinner. We were at the lake with your Grandparents.

July 21st - I got sick again. For some reason, I feel sick, but never get sick until nighttime. It's OK, though, Butterbean...Momma always feels better.

Date TBI- 4th u/s - with our OB - Dr. Roberts -and we heard your heartbeat, 182 beats per minute. You are growing strong and we are so happy.

August 9th - I woke up HUNGRY! All signs of morning sickness seem to be gone at 11 weeks and 6 days. Mommy is very thankful, Butterbean.

August 10th - 5th u/s - you are as perfect as ever!!! You moved around for us!!! It was super cool to see you turn over!!

August 21st - We have our NT scan and our 2nd official appointment with Dr. Roberts. We will get to see you AND hear your heart. And, we are also hoping you will show us that hiney-mo so we can start getting your pink or blue things! We love you so much!

Other important items to note -

Nanna, Pop and Aunt Mandie were the first to give us a gift for you. They gave us 3 outfits that I know you will love to wear. Jessy gave you your 2nd present -some more outfits and a "lovie" that is so soft I really would like to sleep with it. Aunt Joyce and Uncle Bill brought you a present to E's birthday party - a super soft white baby blanket. I know we will get good use out of that on those cold February and March nights when you and I are whispering secrets in the dark while the rest of God's wonderful world is sleeping! Daddy and I saw my good friend Anita and her husband Chuck on vacation. They are so wonderful and we always see them in St. Augustine, I know you will have fun with them, too! Anita and Chuck gave you your very first stuffed animal!! It is a giraffe that plays music. I love it! They also gave you 2 UGA onesie's. We are going to raise you right...Go Dawgs!!!

As of today, I (well, buddy - let's be honest - YOU and I) have gained 3 pounds. Not too bad!!! I am wearing all maternity clothes, as you seem to make my stomach too large to wear my normal clothes! Today, August 19th, was the first time someone approached me and asked if I was expecting. You are busting on out there, buddy!!!

Your cousin, E, is really in love with you already (although, she's really hoping you are a girl...but, she'll love you if you are a boy, too!!!). Today (8/19) at lunch she kissed my tummy to give you some love and wanted to make sure that "the baby likes tacos..." (because we were eating at Chipotle - she asks this where ever we are eating - "Tata - does that baby like pizza? Does that baby like chips? it goes on :)). She is really excited about you and can't wait for Valentine's Day to get here so you will be here. She is already thinking of something special she can make for Valentine's Day so she can give it to you as soon as you arrive!!! I know that you two are going to have a wonderful time together and I can just tell that you will be very close friends (well, you are family, after all!).

I'll think of more and I will make updates....I just wanted to get this out there. I don't want to forget any of these fleeting moments that will too soon be a faded memory.

Yes, I'm still here...

I've been a terrible blogger recently. This is partly due to the fact that I feel guilty for blogging in the infertile community while pregnant, I'm lazy as all freaking get out, and that I'm looking for the new normal of what our life is to become.

While I will always bear the scars of this infertility battle, and already think of the future cycles I will likely insist we endure (I've never imagined life with just one butterbean), I feel sort of like a fraud on my blog lately. Sort of like...um...what's a good analogy here? I don't know. I just feel sort of misfit...insisting a square peg will fit into a round hole, if you will. One thing I will never be - flippant about my pregnancy. I will never look at a pregnant stomach and be anything but envious of the ease at which some become that way. I'll never forget the months on months of heart ache and the damage it caused to several relationships...or how R and I actually grew so much closer during that heartache. I will always be infertile.

We made trip #2 to my OB/GYN today, Archie. He is so freaking awesome. While at the beach last week, I had some dis-colored dis-charge. I was totally thinking emergency room and the nightmares of what might ensue. I called Archie's office and they paged him. He called me back within 15 MINUTES!!! OMG!! I thought I would never get that kind of service at the regular DR's office! He was wonderful - told me it was totally normal, but to call and he'd see me when we got home if I was still worried. So, of course, we saw him today. We heard that beautiful heartbeat and saw that beautiful little butterbean again. He laughed and told me that he knew I just wanted another u/s. Everything is fine. I believe him now...and I'm going to relax. I've gotta put my trust in him and in HIM and believe that we are going to welcome Butterbean into this world and our family in February.

We have a 13 week scan a week from Friday. This will tell us our risks for chromosomal abnormalities, which Archie says will be low given our age, and another look at the Butterbean. Maybe we will even get to find out the gender.

Butterbean, which I keep calling a He just for lack of knowing, is measuring 6 cm today at exactly 12 weeks. He didn't tell us the heart-rate, but was able to pick it up on the Doppler right away. Also, we had the external ultrasound. WHAT? No vaginal ultrasounds? OMG!!

I'm starting to show a little. The 15 pounds I've gained over the last 3 years probably is a factor, as I haven't gained any since getting PG. (According to the DR, I have gained 2 lbs - but I haven't gone over my heaviest weight recorded, so, I call it even...). I have been wearing maternity pants because my regular pants won't zip or button. My boobs - HUGE. Its on the agenda this week to get new bras. Only 1 of mine fits now and those girls are BUSTIN out of it. It's all very surreal. And, I'm loving it.

I've been following all of you...and keeping you in my prayers. Sorry for the slacker I've been at commenting. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss for words. It seems so redundant to say - I've been there. So, I just sit at my laptop and cry with you and pray. So, I've been absent physically, but you haven't been off my mind.

This post is kind of all over the place. That's how my brain works these days. Hope you could follow it a little!

Long time...no post

I keep meaning to post, but my energy and motivation levels are at an all time low. I basically do nothing. Such a sloth....I hope it will get better in the weeks to come.

So, I came out at work this week. I didn't do a email based announcement - just let it slip - I liked it better that way. My office is kind of weird and so, I don't like being the center of attention here.

I had my last appointment with Dr. K last week and totally cried. He is so wonderful and I'm so scared to move on. What if I have a question after hours? I'm sure I'll be fine. First appointment with my regular OB (Archie) is on Friday. Hoping I can sleep tonight!!!

Ever since I found out that our miracle was finally on its way, I've found out about so many others that are due around the same time. I kept getting worried- you know how they say like 1 in 3 women will m.is.ca.r...I can't finish that word. Anyway, I've been so scared it would be me. Not that I wish that on anyone. I just don't know if I could take it at this point. Cha.r.ter Peach.ford bound, I would be.

I found out yesterday who the 1 in 3 is...and I am so sad for her. She's been on my heart and mind ever since I heard things weren't looking so hot last week. Her sister told me and then let me know yesterday...and I would love to reach out to her, but I wasn't supposed to know. Rock. Hard place. And...it's not like I've ever had a D&C, so I don't really know...but Lord knows I know the heartache of a perpetually empty uterus.

It probably makes me the worst kind of person...but I really was so thankful it wasn't me. I know...start throwing the mean words my way.

I just can't let this little butter bean go. I don't know what I'd do.

I cry at everything - songs about kids growing up...the one that really gets me...Alan Jackson - Remember When. "Remember when...the sound of little feet wasn't music..." AH! Tears now. I hope that sound will always be music to my ears and that I never take it for granted.

So, please pray for my friend. I know that so many of you know in excruciating detail the heartache she is experiencing.

And, please don't hate me about being glad it wasn't me....

Still kickin'

Each day that passes, I feel like we are crossing a hurdle. I stopped the PIO injections last week and started the progesterone suppositories. One word...YUCK! The shots are way easier :)

Anyway, they said I would probably spot...well, hearing that and seeing it are two VERY DIFFERENT things. Sunday morning I woke up spotting and totally wigged out.

I went in today and the little peanut is growing strong. We heard the heartbeat, I felt bad, R couldn't get home from work in time to go, so my sister went with me. Poor guy, he missed it. It was pretty surreal.

So, now we have 5 pictures of our little peanut and we go back next Wednesday. I think after that appointment, they send me on my way. WHAT??? That kinda freaks me out!

I haven't been posting much just for lack of anything really thought provoking to say. Not to worry - I am keeping up with you and praying.

No sick joke here!

We saw one healthy heartbeat today! It was amazing. It's so incredible that at 6 weeks you can see that heartbeat!!

It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.

I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.

Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.

Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!

Sleepless at Six Weeks

For the first time in six weeks, I have been laying in bed for an hour without being able to fall asleep. It may be the pending ultrasound tomorrow and my anxiety surrounding that. Will I get there and they tell me this has all been a sick joke and nothing is growing in my uterus? That is a serious fear. Also, my blogging, or lack there of, is on my mind.

Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.

I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.

I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.

I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...

I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.

Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)

Testing...Testing...1...2...3

Testing...That's what we've been doing since June 11th.

Beta 1 = 246.5
Beta 2 = 711.9
Beta 3 = 5626

I cannot even believe it. It is surreal.

R doesn't want anyone to know, so, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. It is the hardest thing to do!!! We have an ultra sound on Tuesday...

Is this really happening??? Oh, I just felt my sore boobs. Yep...I think it's real!!!!

They don't get better than this...

McDonald's for breakfast - check
Wearing something green -check check
A purse full of my favorite talismans - check
2 blasts - check
1 pregnancy - let's hope...

As the title suggests - the DR said at our transfer regarding our blasts, "They don't get better than this...". I just wish we could fast forward 6 weeks - then, if we are pregnant we would be seeing those heartbeats. And if we aren't, we would,hopefully, be past the worst of it.

Maybe I'll puke in the morning and have really sore boobs...

Here's hopin...

People are idiots

So, I am in the office today. And, I am talking to the Senior Manager here. Just a nice, friendly conversation. I tell her I am planning to make my niece a dress for her birthday and monogram it and she says - So, are yall just going to adopt? Several issues with this statement. First of all, you can't "just" adopt- this is a long process and can involve as much heartache and despair as IVF. Second of all, if I wanted to talk about my family plans with you, bitch, I would have said so. In the meantime, mind your fucking business.

So, if you see me driving this in a month, you will know that my TTC journey is over.

And, if, God forbid, that happens...hopefully, all those idiots that don't "get" IF will their mouths shut.

I am WOMAN...Hear me ROAR!!!

I did my own PIO shot last night! Yeah!!!

It actually hurt less than when R does it!

I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...

When it rains...

It pours.

My dad fell out of a tree today and broke his ankle. A catastrophic break. What was he doing in a tree, you ask? Hell if I know. Trying to cut a branch that wouldn't have even fallen in his yard. He crawled on his hands and knees from the bottom of the lot, up 4 stairs into the house and called my mom.

In the midst of IVF and him having just retired - literally, less than 3 weeks ago - it's a lot for one family to handle.

I am so thankful that it was just his ankle - and not his neck. But, at the same time, since his surgery in March, it's been a steady realization that my Dad is no longer 40 and as able bodied as his younger self. It's scary...and it makes me sad.

What's that? Hope? I thought we were no longer friends...

I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart.

A few reasons for hope:

My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.

A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?

So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.

Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.

I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.

A New Day Ahead

I am so excited to have a little bit of fun news! I wish it were IF related, but, alas it isn't.

I am starting a little business. I've been thinking about it for months...and I finally took the plunge on Friday. It's pretty cliche - a suburban chick buys a sewing/embroidery machine and thinks she's going to conquer the world. But, however cliche, I'm really excited to have this new creative outlet and hobby. Infertility has robbed me of too many months of having our entire life on hold. We don't schedule fancy vacations or spend money without really contemplating it - "I might be pregnant and don't want to fly during the first trimester" or "We probably shouldn't spend money on {insert anything here}, so we can afford IVF again" or "We'll be in our next cycle that month...best not to plan anything during those weeks"...blah blah blah. You know the drill...we all do it.

Well, we've finally made a decision and said "Screw IF and any cost associated with it....this will bring some happiness to us". Ok, I said we, but clearly, it's ME. R will likely get very little out of me monogramming our towels or making cute things for my friends and the like. Of course, I hope to recoup the money I've spent on the machine and materials, but, I am not thinking I'll be able to retire in 6 months from monogramming my niece's clothes!!!

If you are interested, I've set up a blog for "the business". Haha - just sounds funny to say that. It's www.tsadesigns.blogspot.com.

Here's to making ourselves happy inspite of IF.

My uncle, while still in ICU, is doing better. Thank you for your precious comments and continued prayers. And, oh...about seeing Murgdan...we have been IRL friends since before I saw her at the hospital. We met several months ago and have since formed a sort of IRL IF support group. Isn't it so nice to have IRL friends who understand this craziness of IF???

Headaches and waiting

Waiting is a complete headache. However, we wait no more to kick this cycle off! Period is here and in FULL FORCE. She's back with a vengeance!!! This cycle will be over, one way or another, by June 15th (ish...). I'm glad to finally be on our way with it.

I do have a monster headache today, though. Maybe the good ol' period, but, probably more is stress. My uncle had to have emergency surgery today. Something happened with his small intestine - a blood clot - and part of it died. So, they had to remove it and reconnect his pipes. Sounds easy enough. However, he's in his late 70s and is diabetic and has had heart trouble in the past. The next few days will be touch and go. We're, obviously, hoping for a quick, FULL recovery and no additional surgery. He's one of the very sweetest, kindest men I know. He was my Dad's best man and has been like a grandfather to my sister and I.

Needless to point out, it's been a bit of a stressful day...and my head is pounding.

Any prayers you can offer up are much appreciated.

One really bright spot to my day - I ran into Murgdan at the hospital! Small world, and it was nice to see her during this 2WW for her. She also was able to meet my very favorite person - my niece (who was terribly shy and wouldn't speak...).

Manic Monday

I just like saying Manic Monday. It's not like my Monday has been real crazy or anything.

I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.

I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!

Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.

Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."

Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.

Sorry - random post, random thoughts.

The days tick away...

And we slowly get closer to IVF #4.

I'm ready. SOOOOO ready. Let's get this party started.

As we get closer, I slowly feel hope creeping back in. It's a strange thing. How can you continue to get hopeful when you've been burned so many times before?

Did anyone see the Michael J. Fox special last Thursday night? It was all about optimism.

Interesting piece. Some days it's harder than others to remain optimistic.

Here's to optimism, baby. Pun intended.

May - the month of Mothers

Today is May 1st. I wonder why April 1st is April Fools Day and no other 1st is a fools day. Hum...something for me to google.

I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).

Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.

My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.

My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.

Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.

My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.

My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?

Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.

So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.

Its Thursday Afternoon and I have lost my motivation

Has anyone seen it?

I had a major breakthrough in my big monthly reporting package today that is going to make life much easier. Once I figured it out, I pretty much checked out. That's OK, right?

We have our protocol for the next cycle...everything will be over and done with by around June 15th. Its a weird protocol that even an old veteran like me has a hard time figuring out. We'll get started soon.

This is it, though. All in.

I'm hoping that by some miracle Grace of God we can freeze something. Well, I'm really banking on it working AND us being able to freeze.

We'll see. I'll probably really get my hopes up once we get started. For now, I'm just over being infertile. I'm ready to cash in and head to a remote island...work at a suntan lotion stand on the beach. Be a free spirited hippie - Me, R and our dogs.

The plan is to do this cycle under the radar. No daily estrogen levels and follicle count updates. Early appointments so there are no questions at work. No blogging about every emotion - too many people know about my blog for me to blog and still have a low key cycle. I'm hoping to avoid anyone calling me the day of my beta to ask about the results. I'm hoping to avoid the past repeating itself.

I labeled this post IVF #4. I never in my life dreamed what was in store for us in our effort to grow our family. Its been a heartbreaking chain of events over the past 2 and a half years that we will either get through and be stronger for or we will let it tear us apart. Luckily, for us, we are not letting IF win. No matter how this last cycle turns out, what joy or heart ache it brings, we are going to survive.

With my lack of blogging, I find I have so much to say. Maybe going underground wasn't the best idea.

Here are some updates that are basically jumping off my chest!!!:

1. My friend over at a Few Good Sperm had a negative beta after IVF#1 yesterday. Please go give her some support.
2. I'm having friends with 6 beautiful girls tonight, who also happen to be infertile. Most of us go to the same doctor. We are all less than 7 degrees separated.
3. Mother's Day is soon and has really been on my mind. I am so truly blessed to have such a wonderful Mom.
4. Several close friends are expecting...its had a strange effect on me. Not a bad effect, just a strange one. I'm trying to sort through those feelings.
5. Work has actually been pretty good- I've been in the office more lately and am not hating it so much. Maybe it's been my attitude in the past about being here...maybe I'm just over spending so much energy dreading it here.
6. I'm taking a cake decorating class in May...I am so nerdy...and SO EXCITED! Hopefully, I will have the motivation to show up to Show and Tell and share my creations :)
7. We've been working in the yard and it's been really gratifying. My rhododendron were blooming this morning and it absolutely made my day. They are gorgeous.

Its nice to be back. I've missed you girls. Thanks for understanding my need for a break from it all!

MIA

No, not the name Mia - I am talking about me...being M.I.A. I went on "spring break" last week - funny seeing how I am NOT a teacher nor am I a student. Oh, well, the tradition continues for this lady.

We had a wonderful week of beautiful weather, too much beer, lots of yummy food and laughs. But, its always nice to return home.

R and I leave for the beach again on Wednesday for a good friend's wedding. I am a slacker - basically taking 2 weeks off from work. Oh well...that's what vacation time is for!!!

Met with Dr. K today - went over new protocol, etc. We'll get started either in a couple weeks or the next cycle. I'm kinda over being infertile, though. I am sick of thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. I know...you get the point. So, while I will be here - cheering you on, I may not be posting very often.

I re-read "Waiting for Daisy" for the 3rd time last night. Man, that book...go get it if you haven't read it before. Or, ladies - let me know if you want to borrow it - although I might make you sign over your first born in the promise that you will return it. (Anyone laughing at my joke???). Anyway, that book basically feels like my life - minus the 5 continents, 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions. However, she has so many insightful things to say. I might start at the beginning of it again tonight.

Anywhoo...just wanted you to know I am here. Praying for my sisters in the trenches. Praying for myself....waiting for my own Daisy.

My pathway is broken...

I was thinking last night how much life has changed in the 4 and 1/2 years R and I have been married. Its truly amazing. I almost can't remember the person I was back then. We were so very different.

When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.

So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!

Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.

My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.

We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.

The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.

We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.

My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.

What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.

I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.

This is not the path I would have chosen.

My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.

All kinds of self pity here today...

Take note of my warning, friends. It is not a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.

Ah, well. Such is life.

I am in a funk today. Not sure if its the weather or what. I found out that a "friend" at my RE got PG on her first IVF cycle. I'm happy for her - but so freaking jealous I can't even stand it. I am so jealous that she has such insanely strong Beta's...I would lay money that she's having twins. I want to be that totally selfless person that jumps for joy and cries with excitement for her, but I just can't. I feel like this freaking IF journey has become a race to get pregnant and I keep losing. I'm so jealous that I can see the green in my skin. I am so full of self pity and I can't see past my own nose.

How I long for the day that I can send the email - "My Beta was 7,750 today. We are just sitting on pins and needles still. Too worried to be excited." I know we'll be worried/excited/scared shitless/out of our mind happy. I got to enjoy a very poor beta for 24 hours once - knowing it wouldn't last - and I couldn't believe the emotions we felt. It was total euphoria. I've never been so scared and so happy in my life. Will I ever feel that again? Today, my glass appears half empty and I am terrified that I'll never know the joys of pregnancy or parenthood. I'm so pissed off that we had 2 perfect embryos and neither found it comfortable enough to take root. I'm so pissed that them not taking likely means that something was chromosomally wrong with them. I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch.

Infertile and living in a Fertile World

I had dinner this week with some friends. I was in a pretty shit mood to begin with. You know how some days you just wake up insanely pissed off that seemingly everyone in the world has kids or is pregnant but you? Yeah, that was me.

So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.

With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.

Google defines normal as:

• conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal ...
• in accordance with scientific laws
• being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"

In the life of an infertile, or at least this infertile, I don't think anything about my life will ever be "normal" again. Yes, we may live in the burbs, drive our SUVs, have our 2 dogs and 1 cat, enjoy vacationing at the beach, etc. Long after these battle wounds have healed, R and I will live out our lives with permanent, deep scars. We will always look at pregnant teenagers with eyes of both disgust and envy. I'll always look at pregnant bellies with longing eyes (even if I get to enjoy those amazing 40 weeks myself). I don't think I will ever consider us "normal". After all, we live in a world where fertile is normal...so, automatically, are abnormal.

This isn't a post to get you to feel sorry for me that I don't feel normal. I'm not ashamed. I just have those days where it really pisses me off that I am abnormal. I hope my friends forgive me for those days and will continue to love us through this journey.

73rd Post, 73 Reasons why my Plus One is Awesome

Welcome to post 73!

Too often, I think I get caught up in IF and forget that this journey is really about US...It's not just ME experiencing the heartbreak and constant disappointment.

So, totally random number, but I didn't want to wait to 100 to post. Here you have it - 73 reasons why R is Awesome!

1. He doesn't complain about what I cook for dinner, even if its awful or something he doesn't like.
2. He cleans the house - I haven't cleaned a toilet in 5 years.
3. He understands my compulsive need to have closets and laundry rooms organized.
4. He doesn't understand why that organization doesn't spill over into cabinets or pantries, but he moves on.
5. He enjoys the little things in life - "WOO HOO! Our forsythia bush is slap full of blooms!"
6. He loves his parents and treats them well.
7. That being said, he doesn't like it, but tolerates it, when I bitch about them.
8. He loves my family...craziness and all.
9. He loves my niece as much as I do.
10. He doesn't complain when we have said niece and gets kicked out of our bed.
11. He probably doesn't understand, but is supportive of the extended support lines I need to get through IF.
12. He works very hard - and at night - but lets me have pretty much sole control of our finances.
13. He doesn't complain when I tell him we need to watch our spend very closely and then spend $60 on a tennis outfit.
14. He lets me fill our house with friends and family as often as I like.
15. He has been truly my partner in making our house a HOME.
16. He totally trusts my judgement - I have been the only one to test drive the 3 cars we have bought together.
17. He takes care of the dogs - and all I have to do is love them!!
18. He takes care of our crazy-expensive stray cat...who I admit I like her...but she drives me nuts
19. When life gets too hard, and we can't even say the things that are too hard to say, he will write me a love letter email so that his feelings are still "said."
20. He loves "stupid" movies and shows - the ones that make you laugh just because they are so unbelievable (Taledaga Nights, Sponge Bob, etc.)
21. He finds Curious George episodes comforting.
22. He is freaking FUNNY.
23. He really loves my Dad and being with him (at least, that's how he acts!).
24. If he is your friend, he will be there with you for ANYTHING.
25. He's anally organized - he will keep 3 or 4 lists of things he "needs" to do going at the same time (sometimes this also drives me nuts).
26. He cries with me about infertility, but doesn't blame me that we are going through it.
27. He tells me that I am annoying when I get going on a saying, "That shit is funny dude!!" and the like, but, deep down I know he thinks its funny, too!
28. He understands that I thrive in social settings and doesn't get too annoyed when I have happy hours and such after work (with friends or with co-workers).
29. He loves his job and takes pride in his work.
30. He is a handyman.
31. He is a handyman for anyone - me, my sis, my parents, his parents...anyone.
32. He doesn't get annoyed when I sign him up for something that he doesn't really want to do.
33. He understands and doesn't complain when I get burnt out on SEC football and don't want to make the trek to Athens every weekend in the fall.
34. He loves Jesus Christ.
35. He is open to most ideas.
36. He can intelligently engage in conversations.
37. He has a plethora of knowledge about random stuff.
38. He loves National Geographic - and claims to have read tons of old versions at his Grandmother's house.
39. He loves his grandmother as much as I loved mine...and we both still grieve for them, 15 years after they've gone.
40. He loves the beach.
41. He is very sentimental.
42. He is very creative with gift giving (scavenger hunts, etc.).
43. He is very creative with just about everything!
44. He takes care of the cars - oil changes, etc.
45. He is not a screamer - and I am - which would make for way worse arguments!
46. He likes to sleep in with me!
47. He puts away his own laundry.
48. He is easy going and laid back.
49. He can enjoy a day where we do absolutely nothing.
50. He goes to IF doctor appointments with me.
51. He doesn't complain about having to "give samples" for IF treatments.
52. He feels the same heartache as me - month after month.
53. He will be an INCREDIBLE father.
54. He isn't one of those guys that is all "If we have a girl, I will just die. I want a son to play sports with."
55. He plays princess and funny things that our niece thinks up.
56. He loved his truck, but realized it was time to sell it.
57. He is sentimental enough, that, had we could have afforded to and had a place to store it, he would have kept that truck his entire life.
58. He included our families about how/when/where he was going to propose.
59. He asked my parents permission before he proposed.
60. He planned our honeymoon and kept it a secret.
61. He accidentally told me where we were headed for above mentioned honeymoon the week of our wedding.
62. He always give presents when he buys them because he gets too excited to keep the secret.
63. He gets creative with how to pay for presents because I am in charge of the budget and will see the charge on the AMEX.
64. He will IM me from the bed and say funny things (he works at night, I typically work at home in the kitchen). He'll be 20 feet away from me when he does it.
65. He'll text message me when we are sitting together and say something funny.
66. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know.
67. He likes to drive my sister crazy when we are together by making me laugh at things we can't really explain or aren't really funny to anyone else. She swears we have secrets and are talking about her.
68. He enjoys hanging out with our siblings and their spouses.
69. He doesn't complain that I get to go to the beach more than him - because I have more vacation days.
70. He understands when I am a raging lunatic about IF - be it from the drugs or from severe grief.
71. He gave me my PIO shots and I think it hurt him worse than it did me.
72. He loves animals - ours or someone else's. He has a natural affinity with them
73. He loves me!

A Better Today

I met with 4 other fellow infertiles last night. It was very fun! Its nice to have an IRL support group with people who are also in the trenches of this battle. It's free therapy!!

Please pray for my friend who is having her transfer (5 day!! You go girl!) today - this is her first IVF cycle - and, as we all know - it is sooooo overwhelming!

After my post yesterday, however gratifying it made me feel to say those things, it just annoyed me that I am that angry girl now. So, starting today (even though I couldn't face going into the office), I am going to try harder to be myself again.

I am really nervous/anxious about going to see Dr. K on Friday. This is our post IVF appointment with him, and at my last clinic, my post IVF was a bombardment of "your only hope is donor egg...talk to you sister, see if she would be willing to give you some eggs" heartbreak. I'm nervous he will pull the same stunt, and I just don't think there is any way to prepare my fragile heart for it if he does. On the flip side, I'm not sure if this ol' girl can take another negative beta after IVF.

So, instead of masking all of this pure terror with a really pissed off face, I'm just gonna face it the best I can. So, if I cry everyday, is that really a new thing for me? Not really. At least I can let go of the bitterness.

We will have a baby...come hell or high water...we will be parents.

Monday Monday

So, its a very dreary, rainy day here in Atlanta. I wish I could say my mood was better than the weather. These are the days I wish my blog was private and no one that I "knew" was reading. Oh, well. My IRL people will just have to listen and read my bitching.

I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.

Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?

We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.

I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.

My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.

Heaven help me.

Titles are a bitch

I couldn't think of a title to this post because, well, really, I don't have much to say.

We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.

I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.

I guess life goes on.

I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.

I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.

I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.

However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.

In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.

Ga HB 169

Dear Georgia Residents,

Today, the voices of the infertility community in Georgia came together as one voice in opposition to Senate Bill 169 - a bill that would regulate the practice of IVF in Georgia so greatly that it would be impossible to build your family using this medical procedure.The Senate Health and Human Services Committee heard testimony today and voted to send SB 169 to a special Subcommittee consisting of 4 Senators to review the complex issues surrounding this bill.

Click here for complete information on SB 169 and the next steps.RESOLVE wishes to thank the thousands of people that oppose this bill. Your voices were heard! Over 18,000 faxes and emails were sent to the Senate Committee, and many showed up today at the hearing. THANK YOU for taking the time to voice your opposition and to show your support of family building in Georgia.Our fight is not over.

We will monitor this Subcommittee and alert you when a vote is imminent from the full Committee. Stay connected with RESOLVE and this issue - Register to receive RESOLVE's Action Alerts. Get involved. Take Action. Know that by coming together we can make a difference! Thank you again.

Sincerely,
The Board of Directors, Staff, and Volunteers of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Monday Blues...on Tuesday

WARNING. SERIOUS CASE OF THE MONDAYS.

Ugh. I went back to the office today. I don't think I've been in since....um...I don't know. I didn't go in more than maybe 3 times in February. Each time I did come in, my chair was missing from my desk. Today, someone was sitting in my seat. And, I basically had to make him move (he wanted me to go sit somewhere else). I mean, seriously? All my shit is here. Move your new to the company ass somewhere else.

It pissed me off.

Everyone keeps asking me where I've been. At home, mother fuckers. Mind your own business. I am not pregnant, again, for the 26th time in a row. Do you want all of the gory details? My ass is still sore from shots that we done in vain. I have the worst cramps of my life. I am bleeding so bad that I feel like I might need a transfusion. Do you want me to cry and tell you all of these extremely personal details? Oh, really, you do? Because we aren't even friends. I've been at home, asshole - now shut your face and go about your business.

Ah well, that made me feel better.

I might go to a prayer group tomorrow with someone I met at my REs office. If the time is OK permitting work and everything. Maybe it will help. I'm definitely more upset about this that I originally thought. Probably, because I had my niece from Thursday until yesterday and she makes me happy and kepy my heart and mind occupied. Wonder what my sister would think if I just stole her? TOTALLY NOT BEING SERIOUS. I haven't gotten so desperate to kidnap....yet.

Its over

Beta dropped. Stop progesterone.

Cycle is over.

No baby.

Again.

Dear Embtyos - Its me again...

Its your Mother. And, I guess, I might end up being a nagging mother. After all, I just want you to survive so I can teach you how to be a wonderful person.

If you are in there - and I know you are - please really try hard to get healthy. Please burrow down deep in there and concentrate on your survival. I can't promise life will always be easy, but I can promise that I will always do my best for you.

So many people love you and are rooting for you. Please don't break your parent's hearts.

Love,
Mom

Limbo Land Part Duex

So, I've had a few minutes - wow - it's already been 3 hours - to calm down. While I realize that we could somehow make it through this and have a totally healthy baby, my doctor did not sound positive.

What gets on my nerves is that I have not had any "chemical pregnancy symptoms" this time like I did last March. No excessive tiredness, no excessive back pain, no excessive sore breasts for this early on.

I'm getting to the pissed off stage of this grief. I want to just have Faith and believe that He will fulfill our dreams of becoming parents to our biological child, but after 26 months of negative pregnancy tests, I think it's only human to doubt.

Hoping tomorrow I can have a better attitude and more faith.

Limbo Land

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, we are devastated and praying for a miracle.

It's all over but the shoutin'

I am just waiting. Its 1:00. I hope they will call by like 4...the latest they've ever called has been around 4:45. And that was on a busy Friday.

I know I've waited this long and can wait a few more hours, but, I'd sure like to POAS right now!!!

Dear Lord, Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period. Amen.

Less than 24 hours to go....

WOOT WOOT!!! I am so ready to just KNOW. Dare I say it...but the spotting has been very minimal so far today.

I am staying true to my mantra...

Dear Lord, please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

I think I must have said that about a million times last night - into the wee hours of morning. I was hoping He would get annoyed with me repeating it and shout down - FINE! STOP BEGGING! LOL.

My spirits are much better today, as they were yesterday. Saturday was just a rough day and I lost any sort of sanity I had been clinging to. We had dinner (if you want to call it that) with some friends Saturday night. They have a 4 month old. It was AWFUL. AWFUL times 1 million. The dad was a freak - he wouldn't even let me hold the baby. We stayed at their house less than 2 hours. These are people we used to vacation with. It was very sad to know that we've lost friends. It was just soooooo awkward. They have totally changed since the baby got here. Clearly, I know that some things must change when you have children - you can't take them to a bar and stay out till all hours. But this was beyond normal change....this was way beyond even a lot of change. This was like we were visiting total strangers. It was so uncomfortable.

I was already so upset about the spotting and then that just made it so much worse. We went to bed at 9:00 and I cried myself to sleep.

I am better now, though. Thank the Lord! We can survive 24 more hours of this.

Still Breathing

Well, I've made it another day. Tuesday can't come fast enough.

The spotting is still here. It's no better or worse than yesterday. Still brown, with no red signs. That at least, is good.

I am going into the office tomorrow to try and pass the day more quickly.

Thank you all for the comments. I am going to ask - scratch that - tell them to check my P4 on Tuesday along with my Beta.

Still praying. Still hoping. Still begging those embryos to be sticking and dividing.

Killing Me Softly...

With spotting. It started yesterday. My nurse said not to worry as long as it is brown. It is brown, but this is what I do every month for about 3 days before I start. I'm trying to remain positive, but all signs seems to be pointing towards period.

Please Lord, fulfill the desires of our heart with this IVF. Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

7dp3dt

I love being totally obsessed with every twinge in my body. Its driving me mad.

There is a thunderstorm moving through the great state of Georgia right now - and nothing is on TV except this storm. I mean, come on people, it's rain. I say this, but I also pray that no one is injured in this rain. Its on my nerves, though.
My boobs aren't as sore as they were over the weekend and its bothering me. I called Sweeta Rita today and she said not to worry. I wonder why they don't test progesterone levels before the beta like I've read that other REs do. I tried to get her to let me come in Friday for my Beta, but she didn't bite. Darn! I didn't expect her to, but, I was hoping!

My cousin had this quote on her Facebook page and I copied it from her:

This may not be the way I would have chosen,

When You lead me through this world that's not my home.

But You never said it would be easy,

You only said I'd never go alone.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You,

Then I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

I love it. She sent me this link to the song where its from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw

This could very well be the song that gets me through the rest of this week.

Dear Embryo's - It's me, your Mom

Dear Embryo's -

It's me - your Mom. First, let me thank you for dividing last week. You are so beautiful and are already so loved by so many people. Thank you for cleaving and being so pretty.

Second, let me beg of you a few things.
Please be sticking in my womb - which I am trying very hard to make a wonderful environment for you. Your Dad is taking great pleasure is shooting progesterone oil in my ass every night for your comfort (not really - he wouldn't ever hurt me or you on purpose - and the shots don't really hurt! I'd do them all day everyday for the rest of my life if it meant I could keep you). I am not exercising - or even - GASP - playing the Wii - to try to motivate you to stick.
Please start making me vomit morning, noon and night.
Please let me know that you are sticking and that you will be my real live babies come this fall.

Also, Please forgive me for the small diet coke I had today. I promise to be a better mother than a caffeine drinking, chain smoking, junk food eating loser like the ones always on the 11 o'clock news. Forgive me for my momentary lapse in judgement. May the saccharine and caffeine only make you stronger!!!

Also, I promise not to always ask you to do things like I am in this first love letter to you. Nor, will I call my hiney an ass and tarnish your precious ears and mind. These are the things I promise to you from this letter on:

I will not be critical of your choices in life
I will be supportive of you
I will teach you how to be a loving human being and to respect our planet and all its beings
I will teach you to love and how to be loved
I will praise you for a job well done
I will correct you so that you can learn the difference between right and wrong
I will spoil you - but not to the detriment of your character
I will provide a safe environment for you to grow up in
I will make sure your siblings treat you kindly - even the furry ones :)
I will always buckle you in your car seat - with a few summer exceptions on the way to the pool
I will always be honest with you
I will protect you from as much as I can - but I will let go when the time is right and let you learn life lessons on your own
I will never try to insist you learn by my mistakes - we all need to make mistakes in this life
I will teach you the love of Jesus Christ
I will hold your hand until you want me to let go - but I will always be here to catch you if you fall
I will not let you sleep with me and your dad at night - but will definitely snuggle during nap time! Children and adults sleep better alone - and you will one day appreciate this
I will teach you the value of a dollar and of hard work
I will help you with your homework and college applications - but I will not just give you the answers

Most of all, I will love you with my entire being.

I cannot promise to never ask you to do anything, however, I will not make outrageous demands of you. This may be the most important thing I ever ask of you - Please - STICK BABIES STICK and let your Dad and me enjoy a lifetime of health and happiness with you!!!

All my love sweet little ones,
Mom

6dt3dt

AHH...someone talk me off the ledge. I am going crazy. I wish I could call Sweeta Rita and just get a blood test today. I wonder what they'd do if I showed up and acted like I got the day confused. Maybe they would humor me???

So - here's the root of my craziness:
I had a wicked upset stomach last night - which is abnormal for me. Nothing since then.
My boobs aren't as sore today as they were yesterday.
Not a ton of mucus, but not bone dry either.
Back was pretty sore yesterday, fine today.

I know there is no way to tell if any of this means anything...but my ass is sore from shots and I'm impatient as hell.

1 week to go. In 168 hours I should know. 10, 080 excruciating minutes.

Maybe I should just buy some stock in First Response and go buy me some freaking pee sticks.

Actually, I feel better already...maybe I just needed to bitch...

4dp3dt

Today is 4dp3dt. We are hanging in there. It helps to know that we are just 1 week and 1 day away from the Beta. Don Don Don...I am so terrified of that test.

Here are some things I am experiencing:
definitely some crampy feelings in my stomach - not bad like period cramps - but some kind of pressure or movement
SO TIRED - I took a 4 hour nap today
vaginal mucus
sore boobs
I got kind of dizzy today and had to lay down on the kitchen floor real fast because I thought I was going to pass out

I wish I could say that any one of these "symptoms" wasn't a direct side effect of the progesterone. Sigh....I wish I would get nauseous and then I could believe my HCG was rising :)

However, I do think it is good that my body seems to be absorbing the progesterone. I've done the suppositories before and had no side effects, which made me think it wasn't absorbing, so it wasn't working.

I have no tests at home, and I am trying to restrain from buying any. No P-ingOAS for me. Well, I hope not to POAS. We shall see which side of my brain wins that battle!!!!

Transfer Complete

McDonald's breakfast - check

No soap shower - check check

Fresh Pineapple waiting in the fridge - check check check

2 Embryos to transfer - CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!

Bed rest now and no exercise until the Beta on February 24th. Can I even survive until the 24th?

The Embryologist said I had 2 "beautiful" embryos. The 2nd guy was immature on Monday, but grew up fast and they ICSI'd him on Tuesday. Both had very little, if any, fragmentation. They didn't give me a grade, which I was kind of hoping for. However, it doesn't really matter. Even a poorly rated embryo can become a beautiful little girl - my boss's daughter is a perfect example of that.

Of course, I am 1 day in to our 2WW and I am totally analyzing every single twinge. I had some diarrhea last night - could the embryos be implanting? I am have some pressure in my stomach now - could it be happening now? Everyone tells me not to test early, but man, I'd like to start testing today!!

I mean, can't I just pay the DR to test me early and then again???? Wouldn't a rising progesterone indicate one way or the other? UGH....driving myself crazy!!!!