So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.
With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.
Google defines normal as:
- conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal ...
- in accordance with scientific laws
- being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"
In the life of an infertile, or at least this infertile, I don't think anything about my life will ever be "normal" again. Yes, we may live in the burbs, drive our SUVs, have our 2 dogs and 1 cat, enjoy vacationing at the beach, etc. Long after these battle wounds have healed, R and I will live out our lives with permanent, deep scars. We will always look at pregnant teenagers with eyes of both disgust and envy. I'll always look at pregnant bellies with longing eyes (even if I get to enjoy those amazing 40 weeks myself). I don't think I will ever consider us "normal". After all, we live in a world where fertile is normal...so, automatically, are abnormal.
This isn't a post to get you to feel sorry for me that I don't feel normal. I'm not ashamed. I just have those days where it really pisses me off that I am abnormal. I hope my friends forgive me for those days and will continue to love us through this journey.
17 comments:
I can relate to all the feelings you describe.
And my feelings of being broken or abnormal are compounded by the fact that we are "unexplained" and our RE has told us that my age (38) is the most likely cause of our infertility. So I get to blame myself as well as fate/God/the universe.
IF sucks.
I know exactly how you feel. Today has been the day of hell for me. First, this morning, I saw someone who thought I was someone else and said to me, "So, how's your baby???" I gave her the "OMG" face and ran away...didn't even know what to say. It was the most awk. moment ever. Then, at lunch, I swear everyone in the rest. was prego. What is up today? Stars are NOT aligned! Good luck w/ everything and take care!
I too can relate to all of this.
It all really sucks.
Big hugs.
S X
Ditto. I am in a space right now where I feel VERY bitter. I hear ya.
I know exactly how you feel. I have POF, which started in my early 20's. I kept thinking if I put on weight among other things, I could be one of the 5-10% that can get pregnant naturally. Well, after 8 some years of unprotected sex, I can say that is totally not going to happen. I don't even know why it happened to me. I'm special, I'm 1 in more than 1,000 women to get this so young. I'm still secretly hoping that it will one day my ovaries will start working...
I must say that when I first found out about all this it hurt terribly to see other people getting pregnant, especially when they were not even trying. I can now, see babies and smile. I love them and hopefully, one day soon we will all have one.
The joys of abnormality.
Dammit.
We all have those days . . . hope today was better.
Amen! I definitely agree with that!
I hear and feel you loud and clear. I "get" those days all too well.
It's an emotional process and sometimes it just gets old defending our position and trying to "teach" others what is hurtful. It doesn't sound like she was the only one with hurt feelings.
I hope the weekend is better and those craptastic kind of days aren't stacking up on you.......
Just another infertile who can relate.... Kudos to you for having the guts to put it out there for your friend to hear though - I need to do that. (((HUGS)))
Wish I had something enlightening to say...but alas I don't.
I know it sucks. Hopefully one day we will be able to see the "silver-lining" in all of this, but right now it is all clouds...thunderstorms at that.
I completely get it and feel that way often...pissed off at the universe, feeling as if what I've worked so long and hard for comes so easily to others (which it does). I too am an infertile living in a fertile world and let's face it, it sucks. Your feelings of being insanely pissed off are truly justified.
And on that note, I am glad you clarified the myth that many people will become pregnant after adoption. That's so misleading! I believe the statistic is only 5%, which is about the same as all infertiles.
So so true.
I totally love you. And who cares if the fertile friends can't understand. It would be virtually impossible for them to understand. I've come to expect nothing from them.
You have every right to feel angry. Women like us will never feel normal in this society that celebrates (and is acutally built around the concept of )fertility. Where is the place for us? I wish I knew. In the meantime, keep writing here. We understand every (ugly, angry) word of it. In fact, I'd be worried if you did not feel the anger. Totally natural, Friend. All of us here have experienced life-altering trauma, and don't let anyone mitigate the loss. It's HUGE.
I'm here thinking about you all the time.
Love, E
Just sending a few xoxoxoxoxos.
I hear you. Just heard my husband's best friends girlfriend is pregnant, by accident of course. She was on the pill, I just get so mad when I hear stuff like that--nothing is by accident, you forgot to take your pill you idiot! Anyways, I am having a very bitter week as well. Pregnancy is abound all around me as well, and its darn irritating. I wish you strength.
I totally know hoe you feel. I feel that way every time I see my friends that have kids or are pregnant you deserve to feel that way. Your heart as well as my heart is wanting something for a VERY long time and it has not happened. I have been trying to have a baby for the past two years and we are beginning our first round of IVF. I will pray for you and my god bless you soon!
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