So, its a very dreary, rainy day here in Atlanta. I wish I could say my mood was better than the weather. These are the days I wish my blog was private and no one that I "knew" was reading. Oh, well. My IRL people will just have to listen and read my bitching.
I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.
Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?
We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.
I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.
My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.
Heaven help me.
11 comments:
"I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child."
Amen sista. I am having these same thoughts. And it is keeping me from even entertaining the idea for now. I know it's how they have to do it, but I just think it's ridiculous. I mean, how much money have we all spent????? How much time, commitment? Tears? ugh. LIke we need to be judged so harshly after all that.
xoxoxoxo
Everything you said is so so so true! I could have written a title almost word for word of that today. I feel the same way. Just another blog friend thinking of you, and hoping things turn out for the best. This sucks. I know.
www.iwannabeamommy.wordpress.com
Oh sweetie, rant away!!!
Infertility makes you angry, loss makes you angry, the whole mess makes you angry. I feel like going incredible hulk on infertility's butt every single day.
Woo. And I can understand in part why they must evaluate you as potential adoptive parents... but it is really unfair that unfit parents get knocked up all the freaking time and get to have their kids without being examined under a microscope... See, there's that infertile hostility again :)
Ahhh. Glad you let some of it out hun. Vent vent vent. And I am also sending you huge cyber (*HUGS*)
I totally get what you are saying. I mean, I have absolutely astounded myself at the pure, almost undiluted rage I often feel about my infertility. I feel like a horrible person for how strong it has gotten. I've always tried not to 'why me' through it, but gosh, how can you avoid that? The truth is, this entire deal is RAW. It sucks and it should piss us off. But we need to make sure we don't let the anger consume us. Easier said than done...
It used to make me mad that I had to pay thousands of dollars and stab myself with hormones and have all kinds of people looking up my hoo-ha just to get a chance to be pregnant.
I wonder if it's the same way with the adoption process, if it's just something that you learn to put up with, like PIO injections?
I feel ya girl...right when you think your OK ...BAM its like your not....just wanted you to know I'd be thinking about ya and saying a prayer for ya!
Be Pissed...I'll be right there with you. I swear we think the same thoughts.
Your newest infertility friend ~
Amy
Amen to all of that. I am with you and totally understand. I hope you feel better soon. Lots of hugs!
Yup. I could never wrap my brain around the fact that couples like you two and us, very successful, stable-in-every-way, will have to jockey for acceptance from some (probably incompetent) person who was blessed with a pregnancy they could not handle. I realize many birth moms are adult, stable women, but they are not the majority.
Will the indiginities ever end?
Tara,
You have a right to be angry no matter who is reading. Don't feel guilty about it, it's better to get your feelings out. I couldn't agree more on the adoption thing, I have the same feelings. It is all so unfair. It was so good to meet you! I hope we can all get together again soon!
I have had every feeling you just wrote about! Thanks for being real and putting it out there!
Post a Comment