I couldn't think of a title to this post because, well, really, I don't have much to say.
We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.
I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.
I guess life goes on.
I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.
I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.
I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.
However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.
In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.
7 comments:
oh man. thanks for this post. I really hope that time helps to dull the pain. Keep busy, that's all you can do.
Take one day at a time. ((HUGS))
I understand how you are feeling. I feel like I could have written this post myself, except that you say it so much better than I could! He has a plan for all of us, but damn I sure wish I had a glimpse of what the plan IS!
:-(. I'm so sad for you. Hope we can get together soon (maybe a drink out on a patio somewhere to enjoy this GORGEOUS weather?)...I just sent you an email.
You are right when you say that some people are worse off. But that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to feel bad about your own situation. It's all relative babes, just let yourself feel what you are feeling.
All of this sucks big time.
Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog babe.
Hugs
Sue x
Hey - This is the first time I've read your blog, but I have to tell you, I really feel the same. I use to love my job and work until this whole infertility thing. I think about what people are thinking, especially as I duck out with various appointments, and I guess I just feel so broken sometimes. I know it's normal, but it's hard. It sometimes feel like no one else knows what it's like - especially with every woman around me sprouting babies like hair, but...still makes life really hard sometimes. I know there is a plan, somewhere...but I want it to include a little one. If that's adoption or me FINALLY getting prego...one day!
Take care & fingers crossed! Sending good thoughts your way!
Hi Tara~
My name is Amy. I am in the Atlanta area and I am also dealing with infertility. I posted once before and did so before reading your whole blog. I am so sorry that things aren't going according to plan and I am sorry for my "Best of Luck" comment. Rather insensitive of me. After reading your blog I was hoping to learn more about the infertility clinics you have used. I think the one you didn't like might be the one I am currently using. I just want to absorb as much information as possible before we begin such an overwhelming process and would like to know more about why you decided to switch. I hope I am not being to intrusive. That is not my intention, promise. I have truly enjoyed reading your blog, it has given me comfort in knowing that I am not the only one dealing with such raw emotions. I also like your sense of humor and writing style...reminds me of my own. I hope to hear from you in the near future and I will continue to pray that He will give you the gift you so dearly want. You can contact me through my blogger ID - my email is there. Last thing - a friend of mine referred me to this verse and it helps me get through those down times. I hope you find as much comfort in it as I have ~ Jeremiah 29:11
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