I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.
Ah, well. Such is life.
I am in a funk today. Not sure if its the weather or what. I found out that a "friend" at my RE got PG on her first IVF cycle. I'm happy for her - but so freaking jealous I can't even stand it. I am so jealous that she has such insanely strong Beta's...I would lay money that she's having twins. I want to be that totally selfless person that jumps for joy and cries with excitement for her, but I just can't. I feel like this freaking IF journey has become a race to get pregnant and I keep losing. I'm so jealous that I can see the green in my skin. I am so full of self pity and I can't see past my own nose.
How I long for the day that I can send the email - "My Beta was 7,750 today. We are just sitting on pins and needles still. Too worried to be excited." I know we'll be worried/excited/scared shitless/out of our mind happy. I got to enjoy a very poor beta for 24 hours once - knowing it wouldn't last - and I couldn't believe the emotions we felt. It was total euphoria. I've never been so scared and so happy in my life. Will I ever feel that again? Today, my glass appears half empty and I am terrified that I'll never know the joys of pregnancy or parenthood. I'm so pissed off that we had 2 perfect embryos and neither found it comfortable enough to take root. I'm so pissed that them not taking likely means that something was chromosomally wrong with them. I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch.
13 comments:
I know where you're coming from. It's so wonderful that we're forming an IRL support group but at the same time it will be so hard to see some get pregnant and some not. It's different seeing it in blogland. I hope that I can keep my jealousy at bay but it will be hard.
I'm so sorry you're having a rough day. As a fellow infertile, I know that there are days when it's impossible not to feel self pity. And we should! We got the short end of the stick!!! Here's hoping your day gets a little brighter.
:-D
I feel the same way about the same shit. Feel whatever you want. This all sucks.
Funny how those that get pregnant on their first try are the 'lucky bitches'. Hell, I even think that about people that get pg on their second now. argh.
Here's to us one day getting to sent those beta emails. *cheers*
xoxo
I get it. I feel the exact same way. I don't want people to fail and go through hell, but it is hard to see people suceed as well.
Infertility is a bitch...
Don't feel guilty for your feelings. You don't need guilt on top of everything else.
I hear you. A 45 year old vp at my company just announced that she was preg. I couldn't believe it...it ruined my day. I'm right there w/ you sister! I'm having dinner with my infertile friends tonight...thank goodness.
Yup, I feel that too.
It fucking sucks.
Big hugs
S X
"I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch."
Well said, my friend. I hear ya. Let's go stuff our faces with cheesecake or something.
((BIG HUGS))
Some days are just like this. I'm so sorry today's one of them for you.
A FB log-in sparked my own recent self-pity-based ire. (And, I just deleted a description of what I saw in my feed to protect my pitiful self!)
Try not to feel bad about those moments when you feel bad. You are human, and normal.
(*HUGS*) Hun. Hang in there.
Infertility is a cruel bitch, ungh.
Be pissed all you need to sweetie. This is one tough ride. I share your "not a beautiful day in the neighborhood" days much too often these days. Hang in there.....
HUGE hugs. It's so hard. I'm having a lot of the same feelings, too.
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