My pathway is broken...

I was thinking last night how much life has changed in the 4 and 1/2 years R and I have been married. Its truly amazing. I almost can't remember the person I was back then. We were so very different.

When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.

So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!

Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.

My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.

We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.

The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.

We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.

My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.

What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.

I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.

This is not the path I would have chosen.

My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.