Today I woke up at 5AM and knew I was starting my period. I was too tired to give a shit, in all honesty. When I did get up, I was really glad that I was able to wear jeans to our off site meeting for work today. AF came in with a vengeance. I was totally thinking I was PG on Monday night - my back was hurting SO BAD - like it did when I was PG for those 2 glorious days in March. Of course, then, I cried and worried that it would be another chemical since my back was hurting so bad. Anyway, none of that matters now. I am glad that I stopped the progesterone suppositories on Sunday after the negative POAS. I am glad that I POAS - it at least prepared me somewhat for yesterday. Don't get me wrong - I always hold on until the very last shred of hope is lost. I was still devastated when she called. I could tell just by her tone of voice when she said hello to me.
My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.
R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.
In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.
11 comments:
I really hope this new RE brings what you need to the table to make your dream a reality. I've also had dreams of just being able to get on a plane and go pick up a beautiful little Chinese baby, but none of this is ever that simple. I hate that. :( My due date would have been a month after yours, so I understand where you'll be. Just know we are all here for you, no matter what happens!
So sorry about AF showing. I hope the new RE brings great things. It seems the more we try and the more losses the more those certain potential due dates and losses pop up. It hurts, I can't wait until the day when it doesn't hurt so bad for the both of us.
So Tara ... I know the pain. I know the moments sitting in the car crying. I know the feeling of seeing someone who is likely the size you "should have been by now" ... it's all such a difficult silent struggle. And I'm glad you can at least share it here with us.
big hugs to day,
Polly
I meant to say "Oh" at the beginning, not "So" ... I was not being confrontational or anything ... sorry about that.
Ugh! It all stinks, but I am glad you are giving yourself time to take a break! Sometimes, I think, a break is more needed than we even know. And it sounds like your birthday celebration will be fun!
I also think it is great what you said about wanting to be a parent: you'll do whatever it takes to get a baby. I'm sad you had to make that decision, but it sounds like you are processing things and doing what it takes to fulfill your dreams.
I'm thinking of you.
Good luck with your new RE. And have a fantastic birthday party! (My b-day is the 17th of Nov. - I'll have a toast to you as I celebrate mine!) All of the decisions that you are going to have to face are difficult... hopefully the break will give you and your husband new clarity and more strength.
:(
*big hugs*
a
Crappity crap about AF. I've been thinking lately: how will I stand receiving this monthly reminder of my infertility for the rest of my life? Getting AF after a medicated cycle is brutal.
It's nice to hear that the new RE is hopeful. That's gotta make you feel good, at least.
We can mourn our due dates together. My baby would have been born on November 26. I've been thinking lately about how tough that day will be.
Here beside you,
E
So sorry for AF. Enjoy your B-day, go all out.
And I hope the new RE is just the thing for you.
Huge hugs, Tara. None of these decisions and IF reminders are easy ones. I so wish I knew how to make this better. We are all here for you every step of the way.
Happy b-day to a fellow Scorpio. My 35th is on the 7th. The official AMA age and demise of whatever good eggs I have left. Kicking this year to the curb with you. (:
Best of luck with the new RE. What utter sadness when it turns out that baby that should have been wasn't there. (I always calculated due dates every month too.)
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