I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:
1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.
Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?
At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?
Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.
So, I am seeking your opinion.
When is enough - enough?
10 comments:
I going through the same thing myself.
With a never emptying wallet I could see myself doing this over and over again...
But like you I am 2 cycles in, and funny enough, I had a lovely no transfer #1 as well, talk about a kick in the ass...as I know you must know as well.....(((hug))) And yeah, do I keep going? I have spent a really nice vacation so far, one I would never have taken myself...and is my life going to be one long 'next cycle' until I no longer have any eggs left??
So I have no clue. If you find out, let me know.
xoxo
I think each person has decided when enough is enough for themselves. I think when you begin thinking about it, you are there or close to being there.
What does hubby say?
And as cheesy as this sounds, have you thought about making a pros and cons list?
I don't know hun, I don't know. We each must decide on our own, and reserve the right to change our minds or not.
For me... another miscarriage or 2 rounds of injectables is where I like to think I'm drawing the line... but I honestly don't know. Hope is such a fickle thing. We can spend years saying, "Maybe next time, maybe it'll be different." But we don't know... That's the nature of the beast I think. Always wondering, looking into every possible avenue.
Sending you hugs, thinking of you.
I agree with Hope2morrow... only you can decide when enough is enough. After one IUI my RE told me my eggs were not good enough at all to even try IVF. Our only option was donor eggs. Without knowing whether I could complete a pregnancy, we did not want to take that risk. We decided very soon thereafter that we had reached our "enough" and decided we'd rather spend the money on adoption.
It's a hard position to be in, and you have to do a lot of soul-searching. I really believe you will know it when you reach your personal "enough" level.
GreenEggsNHam
This is such a personal decision and only we can know the answer for our unique situations. Some women have had enough with only baseline testing. Some have had enough after multiple IVFs and every procedure under the Sun.
For us, we are nearing our "enough" after this one last "hail Mary" cycle at CCRM. We can't continue to afford cycling financially, emotionally, or physically.
At one of the adoption seminars I went to, one of the speakers used the quote, "We're pushed by the pain until we're pulled by the vision." I think at some point we just start to see things a little differently. We will grieve our losses of pregnancy dreams and birth plans and move onto other dreams where it is enough to just have someone call us "Mom".
Hugs, hun. I hope your next cycle is all you need.
My definition has always been: when it hurts more to continue than it does to move on. I believe there comes a time when it's harder to have hope for things that have failed in the past, than having hope for things that are still new and in your future.
Would you mind sharing where you're at with donor egg and embryo adoption?
I'm sorry you're going through the ringer my friend.
Big hugs,
Polly
Unfortunately, think only you can decide that. I struggle with this all the time. Every time I think maybe I won't do this anymore but then I go again. You have to be ready to let go...for me I am not.
This is such a hard, heart wrenching question, one that I have asked myself time and time again. But like others have said, it is so personal. No single dollar amount or number of IVFs will be the same across people.
I suspect that when I come to that point, I will know. I will be done physically, financially and emotionally and although it will be hard, I will move on. I hope that if you do face this transition, it will become clear.
Just found your blog. So sorry about the diagnosis. DOR at your age is UNFAIR, plain and simple! :(
Are you considering a DE cycle with your insurance coverage or just your own eggs?
In any event, I wish you well - this is so difficult, I know.
That's hard to say. I thought I had enough 3 years ago after IVF#2. This summer, I decided to check into adoption and after finding out the process of adoption, the costs and all the "approval and selection" hoops we'd have to go through, I decided to give IVF one more try. Well, I was "lucky" to find a RE who gladly took my money and suggested and encouraged me to do consecutive cycles "for the best chance at success at my age" then that resulted in few eggs and zero transferred due to "poor quality eggs" she switched her song to "at your age Donor Embryo is the best option." When I reminded her that she told me to do two cycles which used all of my very hard earned $30K (yes 30K) ergo I had no money to pay for donor eggs -- all she could tell me was that time is not so important with donor eggs. She assured me that age doesn't matter with donor eggs b/c many celebrities had their children even well into their late 40s and early 50s! Needless to say I was traumatized and ever since have been in an emotional roller coaster of anger and despair at her, at myself, at the world.
From my perspective, I can only say that I wish I had searched as hard for IVF failure as much as I looked into IVF success. Also, it's important to realize that ART is a business, an industry. I am terribly sad and wish that I had never embarked on this path because instead of giving me closure it has thrown me into a "how much are you willing to put yourself through mode." There are constant "new" things to try like donor eggs, even donor embryos, surrogacy, etc. and I don't think I have the strength to set myself up for further experiments!
When I did my first IVF treatment, my chances were supposed to be 50% and it turned out to be a big fat ZERO. While this last doctor told me that the donor egg will erase my advanced maternal age deficiency, and it works even in 52 y/o, I read many blogs that show it fails in many cases and even in women who are in their 30s. I also I can't trust her any more -- she was sooo optimistic that the 2 cycles back to back would be much better. Well, I sure contributed to that clinics' research and revenue and their reported success rates won't even be impacted because they didn't even do a transfer!
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