When is enough - enough?

I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:

1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.

Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?

At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?

Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.

So, I am seeking your opinion.

When is enough - enough?

A Season of Giving...

I'm not sure if I am approaching this correctly, but, I am still a relatively new blogger. Please bear with me.

First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.

So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).

That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.

The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!

On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.