Ugh - I am so BLAH today. I can't really describe it as depressed, but just not super excited either. I feel like I am not making any forward progress...although we are on the heels of IVF #3. Stupid Old RE emailed me today that I could pick up my records. Wow - I thought it took a week?! Amazing what 1 email can do. R goes in for his SA tomorrow. I go in for my protocol and trial transfer on Tuesday. We are making progress, I know it in my head. My heart just feels like we've wasted the past 3 months (including this cycle I am waiting to start). Maybe the best things really do come to those who wait...but my cynical heart isn't letting me believe that. I lie awake in bed at night worrying about what will we do if this one doesn't work. I've been reading blogs about fertilization rates of you out there - my sisters on this awful journey - and I am hoping I'll have such luck to actually have eggs to retrieve and have them fertilize to even put back. Oh, poor, poor, pitiful me. I just want to fast forward to the end of February and see if I am really going to live through this next month or not. A crystal ball would come in handy about right now, if you have one handy.
I hope I will have restored hope when my period actually starts in a couple weeks. I'm just so freaking scared that this cycle will be just as terrible as the last. I am even totally stressing about R's SA analysis - WTF? I've never had a seconds thought about them before.
Maybe tomorrow will be better - I can at least muster a little hope for that. I'm sorry for the self-consumed, depressing post. For sure, tomorrow is gonna be better...
8 comments:
Don't feel sorry for the post. I think we have every right to be depressed, self obsessed, self indulgent, and anything else we want to be. This crap is hard. No one understands how hard this waiting and waiting and disappointment and more disappointment is unless you are there. It sucks and you have every right to vent about it. I for one, am comforted to know that others feel the same way as me.
Never feel sorry for venting.
I am with you today on the blah-ness. I could punch someone today, I'm so over everything.
Big hugs babe,
S X
Im sorry you are feeling BLAH. I wish I had a crystal ball. It would help so much. Hope you are feeling better soon.
I hope the blahs have dissipated - it sucks to even have to worry about all of this, and the bad days just make it worse.
Hope the weekend is good to you!
Oh the venting feels so good doesn't it! Ok maybe not always but I know it helps. We are on the same journey as you...infertility... the unwanted journey...i just wanted to say i reently found your blog and love it...best wishes to you
http://www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com/
I totally agree with the crystal ball, Tara. If I just knew that down the road this would work out, I could sit back and roll with the punches a little easier. It is the unknown that keeps me scared and obsessed and sometimes a little nuts.
I'm hoping the "blahs" pass as you gear up for your next cycle. Best of luck with your appointments and way to kick ass with your old RE. You are making progress!! Many hugs.
I know the blah feeling all too well. I am glad you got your records sorted out.
I am in a similar situation as you are - crappy, poor responding ovaries. I understand your frustration all too well.
I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now. Never feel bad about sharing it. You're only human, and you're going through a very difficult time. We're all here for you.
Big (*HUGS*)
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