Getting back in the saddle

It's a new year...and the best year of our lives has come to an end. What a difference a year can make. A friend of mine said to me today as we were discussing how over the top Molly's birthday party is going to be, "I know it was an unbearable wait to have her, but worth every minute of it." I couldn't have said it better myself. I never believed any one person could love another so much to really lay down their life for them, but, I'd walk through fire day in and day out for that girl.

It's been a long time since I felt like I really *needed* to blog. I try to keep Molly's blog updated, since I'm so bad that I haven't written a single thing in her baby book. It's tough...I work on the computer all day, and the last thing I really want to do at night is to come back into the office and get back on the computer. Life has never been better or busier. I'm lucky to work from home and to work 4 days/week. Wednesdays I have Molly days :) Which sometimes turn into errand days, but, at least we do it together! Work, however, has never been busier and I feel like I'm being pulled in 9 million directions 24/7...with no real end in sight.

Life outside of work is really great...albeit more full than I would have ever dreamed. I finally caved and hired someone to clean the house today. It's such a chore and so not how I want to spend the few hours a day I have with Rob when the girl is asleep. I have a lot of help, I won't deny it. I'm super lucky and super thankful.

Today, I kind of let everything get the better of me and had a bit of a meltdown. Work is a constant stress, and my big boss is retiring at the end of this month. I love the "new guy", but, things just won't be the same. Have I ever mentioned that I am quite change-averse? Molly is turning 1 on the 12th of February...did I mention that the best year of my life has also been the fastest? I'm a total type A planner and am stressing myself out about the party. It's entirely too many people for our house, but I don't want to spend the money to have it at our neighborhood club house. So, we'll cram in :) I am still nursing, and the plan has been to stop at a year....I really have mixed emotions about it. Some days, I think it would be nice not to have to tote that pump around like an old ball and chain, and other days I cry thinking about not having that quiet time just me and my girl. We'll see how it goes.

I got my period for the first time over Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly. First period since May of 2009. Believe it or not, I barely noticed. However.....today I have a headache, my face is flushed, I have cried off and on all day....ah...PMS. What a bitch you are! I also called my RE today. Which also provoked more tears. Do I want to get back on that wagon? Do I want to just be so grateful for the awesome child God has trusted us to raise and let any other potential child be an "if it happens"? I don't know. I've always wanted a big family. A house full of tiny footsteps...lots of giggles....cheerios on the floor for the dogs...handprints on the windows. I just don't know how to go back to the cycling...the counting of days, the unbearable waits, the heartache of disappointment, the elation of those 2 lines.

I'll admit...I've counted the days this cycle already. I've peed on ovulation sticks. Have I ever ovulated without d.r.ugs? Nope. Did I this month? Don't think so. Is it disappointing? Absolutely.

Do I want a sibling for Molly? Without a doubt.

Will I continue to stress about it and cry over it and probably do it anyway? Probably.

So, here we are...Getting back in the saddle. May Dr. K be my knight in shining armor...one more time.

If anyone out there still even has me on their blog roll...please pray for my friend, Polly...who lost her father and her 3 embryos in the same week....and who is one of the strongest women I know.