Today, I will finish bringing my blog up to speed on our IF journey. After the miscarriage, we had to wait a cycle. I ended up starting on vacation - anyone surprised?? - in May. We did another IUI - BFN. We discussed IVF with Dr. T and decided to move forward. We had to wait another cycle to finish out additional testing - I was wishing we'd done those right after the MC, but, whatever. We did another IUI while completing the tests, another BFN. One thing I've omitted saying, is, unlike many of my fellow infertiles, I have excellent insurance. So, even though journey is so hard emotionally, we can't complain about it financially. Unlike so many others I know (in real life or virtually), we are so blessed to have such awesome insurance.
IVF #1 began in July. I took BCPs for 15 days and then started lupron, added Bravelle and Menopur and went in for my baseline. There were 8 antral follicles. Still, I left with a nervous feeling. My estrogen moved slowly and all week we were in limbo as to move to retrieval or just do another IUI. We could see 6 follicles. We, who am I kidding - the DRs - finally decided to move on to retrieval. Only 2 follicles, 1 not mature enough and the other didn't fertilize.
IVF #2 began as soon as I started my period in August. My estrogen didn't get past 200 by the 2nd ultrasound (after baseline). The cycle was cancelled the Friday afternoon before labor day - and here I am waiting for my period (again).
In between IVF #1 and IVF #2, we went to get a 2nd opinion. Dr. K's (2nd opinion RE) practice seems much more research focused and much more aggressive. They have been the first to try and succeed at several IF related procedures in Georgia. We both really liked him. The problem is that he is out of network for my insurance. So, to even try IVF with him, would cost us 5 - 8 times more than trying with Dr. T. Sucks. I had the mind enough to check with the other insurance provider my company offers. Dr. K is IN NETWORK with them! YAY! I can sign up with them this fall and begin treatment with Dr. K in January 2009.
In the meantime, we have currently planned to try another IUI with Dr. T. His practice believes that my best odds of getting pregnant are with IUI - they don't believe my ovaries will produce more than 2 follicles each cycle (at best). We did tell him that we wanted to try IUI with injectibles - as that's the only thing we haven't yet tried. He, reluctantly, agreed - he thinks injectibles are too risky for multiples. I see his point, but, dude - you just said that I wouldn't produce more than 2 follies, anyway. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. Anyway, in the interest of not blowing our entire savings and investments, we are, unfortunately, kinda stuck till 2009.
I still haven't started, anyway, and Dr. T's office said to call them on Monday if I still haven't. I'm not sure I care - maybe my body needs time to recover. I don't want to take that medicine that will force my body to start a period. I feel like we've been beating those poor ovaries since January and maybe the guys just need a break. And, I know what you are thinking - maybe I got PG all on our own after they cancelled my IVF in August. I've taken 2 at home tests, just to have them ruin my day. Anyway, for now, we will just wait - no other choice, really. Some days it's so frustrating I can't hardly stand it (like today). Its so sick to crave giving yourself shots - but, when I am - I at least feel like I am doing something and moving forward. When we are waiting I feel like I am not doing anything - positive or negative - and I am SOOOO type A - I can't stand to just do nothing. Maybe I will finally learn patience - it is a virtue, after all :)
Showing posts with label our story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label our story. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
What a stressful day...
What a stressful day. My morning began with me fighting the alarm clock and getting a huge bolt in my tire on the way to work. Luckily, it didn't go flat until later in the parking deck and I was able to wait safely in my office for AAA. That kind of stuff just stresses me out. Growing up, my Dad always handled things like dead batteries, oil changes, flat tires, washing cars. Pretty much, all things related cars. He even used to take all of our cars on Sundays and fill them up with gas (mine, Mom's and M’s (my sister's)). I have been groomed to not react well to car issues. My Dad ROCKS! R has, reluctantly, taken over this role and no longer complains abut having to take care of my car. Anyhow, it started my day off on the wrong foot. Work has been stressful lately, too, and I am really jones-ing for a vacation. I know – poor, poor pitiful me. I will get over myself soon.
Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.
The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????
Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:
It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.
Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.
Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.
I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.
I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.
Love you,Tara
The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.
Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.
The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????
Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:
It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.
Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.
Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.
I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.
I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.
Love you,Tara
The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Just another day...
Today I worked from home again. I am in the nasty habit of sleeping till 9:00 and getting online by 9:03. Brush your teeth as your outlook loads with the emails from the previous night. Put some yoga pants on with the shirt you slept in the night before. Shower? Maybe around lunch time, likely not at all. Work straight through lunch - enjoying an oh so flavorful Lean Cuisine as you passively listen to a call , instead of really paying attention. Work till 6 or so and then cook up some dinner. Nope - never leave the house. I did this the past 2 days and 3 times last week (and most of July and August). I DID, however, leave the house yesterday AND today! Yesterday, I went on a walk with a neighbor and today, I went to what was supposed to be tennis lessons with another neighbor, but the instructor didn't show. So, we went on a walk instead. It was nice. I really like my neighbors :) The weather here is cooling off - maybe we will really have Fall this year before! Tonight though, I've decided that if I am going to blog about my infertility, I should jump right into our story!!!
Around Christmas of 2006, I was about to the end of a pack of BC and we had a big trip planned to the Dominican Republic in February. We decided to toss the pills and avoid the "fertile" window in January. I was so concerned about not being able to drink at our all inclusive resort. How typical, right? So, I took my ovulation sticks on the trip in February (have I mentioned that my sister treats getting pregnant like a science experiment and gave me this website to get discounted ovulation sticks? she encouraged me to get some - not that it was a bad idea, M). Well, no positive ovulation reading - but, I didn't pee on them religiously, like I later mastered. I kept this up each month and saw a positive result maybe once. Seemed weird, but whatever - I probably just missed it, right?
Something wasn't quite right, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for July. I went to the appointment ready to ask my questions. I totally expected him to humor me and at least draw some blood. Instead, he said to me, "Your sister is our patient, too? She has a child? You are 28? You're a healthy girl - stop worrying. Don't stress. Go have sex and have fun." I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE SAID. I made it to my car before crying. Was he serious? I am a total hypochondriac? After crying for a few minutes - I got MAD. Like so mad I wanted to march back into his office and ask him where he got off saying that to me. But, I didn't. I went back to work. I went home. And I threw out the ovulation sticks.
In October, I called the OB again. I, not so politely, said that I wanted to see anyone but "Dr. Your sister has a baby" and I wanted to see them now. I got in and went to see the next guy. I told him my plight and what had happened with "Dr. YSHAB (reference DR above)" and how upset I was and that I just had a feeling and yada yada. He gave me a list of tests he could run. Then he gave me a list of RE's that he would recommend, said R could have a SA and Oh! how about trying some clomid. "You can take it 3 - 6 months. I am sure it will be the solution." I decided to move forward with the blood work and take the Clomid. {Enter wicked hot flashes and mood swings!} All of the tests they ran came back "within range" (too bad I didn't catch which tests were included - not like I would have known what a normal FSH level was back then). By December, I was not encouraged and made an appointment with the RE for January. R had his 1st SA the day after Christmas- all seemed fine.
Enter the wonderful year of 2008. I'll fill you in on this roller coaster beginning tomorrow. It's midnight and I need to drag my sorry butt into the office tomorrow (translate - get up at 6:30 instead of 9- EEK!!). Plus, this post is getting obnoxiously long.
Around Christmas of 2006, I was about to the end of a pack of BC and we had a big trip planned to the Dominican Republic in February. We decided to toss the pills and avoid the "fertile" window in January. I was so concerned about not being able to drink at our all inclusive resort. How typical, right? So, I took my ovulation sticks on the trip in February (have I mentioned that my sister treats getting pregnant like a science experiment and gave me this website to get discounted ovulation sticks? she encouraged me to get some - not that it was a bad idea, M). Well, no positive ovulation reading - but, I didn't pee on them religiously, like I later mastered. I kept this up each month and saw a positive result maybe once. Seemed weird, but whatever - I probably just missed it, right?
Something wasn't quite right, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for July. I went to the appointment ready to ask my questions. I totally expected him to humor me and at least draw some blood. Instead, he said to me, "Your sister is our patient, too? She has a child? You are 28? You're a healthy girl - stop worrying. Don't stress. Go have sex and have fun." I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE SAID. I made it to my car before crying. Was he serious? I am a total hypochondriac? After crying for a few minutes - I got MAD. Like so mad I wanted to march back into his office and ask him where he got off saying that to me. But, I didn't. I went back to work. I went home. And I threw out the ovulation sticks.
In October, I called the OB again. I, not so politely, said that I wanted to see anyone but "Dr. Your sister has a baby" and I wanted to see them now. I got in and went to see the next guy. I told him my plight and what had happened with "Dr. YSHAB (reference DR above)" and how upset I was and that I just had a feeling and yada yada. He gave me a list of tests he could run. Then he gave me a list of RE's that he would recommend, said R could have a SA and Oh! how about trying some clomid. "You can take it 3 - 6 months. I am sure it will be the solution." I decided to move forward with the blood work and take the Clomid. {Enter wicked hot flashes and mood swings!} All of the tests they ran came back "within range" (too bad I didn't catch which tests were included - not like I would have known what a normal FSH level was back then). By December, I was not encouraged and made an appointment with the RE for January. R had his 1st SA the day after Christmas- all seemed fine.
Enter the wonderful year of 2008. I'll fill you in on this roller coaster beginning tomorrow. It's midnight and I need to drag my sorry butt into the office tomorrow (translate - get up at 6:30 instead of 9- EEK!!). Plus, this post is getting obnoxiously long.
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