What a stressful day...

What a stressful day. My morning began with me fighting the alarm clock and getting a huge bolt in my tire on the way to work. Luckily, it didn't go flat until later in the parking deck and I was able to wait safely in my office for AAA. That kind of stuff just stresses me out. Growing up, my Dad always handled things like dead batteries, oil changes, flat tires, washing cars. Pretty much, all things related cars. He even used to take all of our cars on Sundays and fill them up with gas (mine, Mom's and M’s (my sister's)). I have been groomed to not react well to car issues. My Dad ROCKS! R has, reluctantly, taken over this role and no longer complains abut having to take care of my car. Anyhow, it started my day off on the wrong foot. Work has been stressful lately, too, and I am really jones-ing for a vacation. I know – poor, poor pitiful me. I will get over myself soon.

Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.

The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????

Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:

It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.

Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.

It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.

Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.

I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.

I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.

Love you,Tara

The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.