I feel like a loser because I haven't been posting lately. I just don't feel like I have anything to say - we're just waiting right now. I'll visit Dr. K when my December period begins and then we'll start IVF #3 with January period. Right now, I just feel like I don't have much to say....
But, I'm Here :) Keeping up with all of you, praying for Antigone, praying for precious Erin and IVF #5, praying for Lisa as she gets through these holidays after another loss. I'm here - cheering you all on.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a 2009 that is better for us all - in all of the individual ways we need it to be better.
Cheesey, but, this is my wish for 2009 - for each and every one of us.
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice,
and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
Much love,
Tara
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Praying for Grace
Today is Tuesday. Yep - I've been the proud recipient of 3 pregnancy announcements this week. I hate feeling sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I would NEVER be-grudge anyone the happiness related to such news. I just feel so sad for me and R when I hear it. My friend at work told me today that they are expecting. They had a miscarriage this summer and he talked to me about it then and we both cried. Today, he was so sweet and compassionate. I really appreciated his approach at letting me know. We went for a walk outside and he seemed so nervous. What a true and caring friend to have such heart with me when it is such a happy time for him.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
And the winner is...
Shelby! Shelby has been struggling with IF for 4 years. She's a trooper. I'm glad that she is my friend - even if only virtually :)
Much love Shelby. I hope this will be the cycle that begins a new chapter in your life.
Much love Shelby. I hope this will be the cycle that begins a new chapter in your life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
When is enough - enough?
I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:
1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.
Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?
At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?
Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.
So, I am seeking your opinion.
When is enough - enough?
1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.
Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?
At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?
Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.
So, I am seeking your opinion.
When is enough - enough?
Monday, December 1, 2008
December 1, 2008
My baby would be due today. Instead of being the best day of my life, December 1st will always be a sad day.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
What a decent day...
Happy Thanksgiving Eve! I'm sitting here with my R, mom and the dogs. One of which (the dogs - not R or Mom :)) will not get out of my chair and is hindering my ability to type and surf my blogs :)
Let me clarify - no one said anything rude to me about the Total Shock post - I just kept thinking about it and feeling guilty for complaining. A LOT of money was spent on my body with no results, it was my benefit, but the $20K did not come out of my pocket. We spent some money, but nothing we had to go into debt for. I just felt guilty because I know how people go into debt going through this nightmare. So, I just wanted to apologize - I have little room to complain about money in IF treatment.
My bloodwork at the new RE today was a delightful experience. First, I told the receptionist that it was my 2nd time visiting the office and that I wasn't sure what to do. She was so lovely - just as sweet as she could be and explained everything I needed to do. Then, the bloodwork lady was nice and gentle. No bruising! The checkout lady was super, too! Three out of three!!
Even better news is that my FSH came back.......8.8! (I think - 8.8 or 8.4 - I was too excited - I'll have to ask again). So, that is down from 10.4 in January 2008. She said the "normal" range for them is 3.9 to 8.8 so I was at the very top of normal. I'll take it!
Positive experience all around.
Let me clarify - no one said anything rude to me about the Total Shock post - I just kept thinking about it and feeling guilty for complaining. A LOT of money was spent on my body with no results, it was my benefit, but the $20K did not come out of my pocket. We spent some money, but nothing we had to go into debt for. I just felt guilty because I know how people go into debt going through this nightmare. So, I just wanted to apologize - I have little room to complain about money in IF treatment.
My bloodwork at the new RE today was a delightful experience. First, I told the receptionist that it was my 2nd time visiting the office and that I wasn't sure what to do. She was so lovely - just as sweet as she could be and explained everything I needed to do. Then, the bloodwork lady was nice and gentle. No bruising! The checkout lady was super, too! Three out of three!!
Even better news is that my FSH came back.......8.8! (I think - 8.8 or 8.4 - I was too excited - I'll have to ask again). So, that is down from 10.4 in January 2008. She said the "normal" range for them is 3.9 to 8.8 so I was at the very top of normal. I'll take it!
Positive experience all around.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A Season of Giving...
I'm not sure if I am approaching this correctly, but, I am still a relatively new blogger. Please bear with me.
First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.
So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).
That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.
The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!
On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.
I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.
First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.
So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).
That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.
The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!
On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.
I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Speak Out, Speak Up Award
Another Dreamer and the ever fabulous Shelby nominated me for an award. Thank you :)It has taken me a few days to respond because I have been a lazy person this week. Not just when it comes to blogging - but just in general! The spirit of this award is to acknowledge those who are open about our struggle with infertility. I am open to a point that sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything. So much assvice out there!!!
For more information, read this wonderful post that describes infertility struggles perfectly - with some humor thrown in :) I'd like to add this one to the list:
- If you've ever heard the statement - "Just adopt - then it will work for you" and wanted to punch the person in the face (humor my violence :) )
Rules for posting award:
1. Link to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2. Nominate others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up!!
Here you go ladies:
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Total Shock
So, today I noticed this letter on the counter from my insurance company. I'm looking over it and kinda not understanding what the hell it means. I went online and started reviewing my EOBs (explanation of benefits) and on one it said - You have reached your maximum benefit. This charge is not covered.
WHAT??????
So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.
And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.
I am baffled.
I am sad.
I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.
I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).
I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.
I know I am lucky to have another chance.
I am scared that my second chance won't work.
I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.
I am in Total Shock.
WHAT??????
So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.
And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.
I am baffled.
I am sad.
I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.
I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).
I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.
I know I am lucky to have another chance.
I am scared that my second chance won't work.
I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.
I am in Total Shock.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Show And Tell
Show and Tell is here again! How quickly the week flies by! If you want more information, please visit Mel.
My 30th birthday was yesterday - and we had a wonderful day! R had a party for me and on Friday night, he surprised me with a scavenger hunt! I knew I was getting jewelry for my birthday, but wasn't positive about which item he picked. So, Friday night about 11:30, he gave me a sweet card. Also in the envelope was an index card with my first clue! He sent me all over the house - several times over - and then I came downstairs one last time and he had a ribbon tied around Sidda's neck and the other end around Buffett's (our dogs). He had the ring box hanging in the middle. It was the sweetest and possibly most romantic thing he's done since we got engaged!!! Here is a picture - I put the ring on my left hand to take a picture - but I am wearing it on my right. My skin looks kinda scary so close up - but oh well :) I share my darkest secrets here - might as well share the pores of my skin!!!!
Happy Show and Tell!
My 30th birthday was yesterday - and we had a wonderful day! R had a party for me and on Friday night, he surprised me with a scavenger hunt! I knew I was getting jewelry for my birthday, but wasn't positive about which item he picked. So, Friday night about 11:30, he gave me a sweet card. Also in the envelope was an index card with my first clue! He sent me all over the house - several times over - and then I came downstairs one last time and he had a ribbon tied around Sidda's neck and the other end around Buffett's (our dogs). He had the ring box hanging in the middle. It was the sweetest and possibly most romantic thing he's done since we got engaged!!! Here is a picture - I put the ring on my left hand to take a picture - but I am wearing it on my right. My skin looks kinda scary so close up - but oh well :) I share my darkest secrets here - might as well share the pores of my skin!!!!
Happy Show and Tell!
Wendy gave me the I heart your blog award. I love reading her blog and keeping up with her story. She is currently pursuing adoption and has such a positive outlook - which we can lose all too easily along this IF journey. She is such a sweetheart!
The way this works is - I answer the questions below with a 1 word response and pass the reward on to 7 others.
1. Where is your cell phone? near
2. Where is your significant other? bed
3. Your hair color? colored!
4. Your mother? sweetest
5. Your father? soft-hearted
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your dream/goal? Happily-ever-after
9. The room you're in? den
10. Your hobby? shopping
11. Your fear? infertility
12. Where do you want to be in six years? happy
13. Where were you last night? celebrating
14. What you're not? pregnant
15. One of your wish list items? children
16. Where you grew up? Georgia
17. The last thing you did? rest
18. What are you wearing? pajamas
19. Your T.V.? HGTV
20. Your pet? 3
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? fine
23. Missing someone? Marlin
24. Your car? SUV
25. Something you're not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? Loft
27. Your Summer? sad
28. Love someone? absolutely
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? October
My virtual friends have mostly been tagged! So, I don't want to re-tag. Here are my friends that I love that haven't yet been tagged:
Shelby - http://dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/
Another Dreamer - http://anunwantedpath.blogspot.com/
Hope2morrow - http://infertilityhope2morrow.blogspot.com/
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Antigone Lost
This is for my friend Antigone. She has an amazing story and will meet her sweet little one in January. Here's to you, Antigone! May your future with Perseus be as wonderful as I think you are!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday of Birthday Week
Well, today is Wednesday of Birthday Week. Its been a rather un-Birthday like week, though :( Work is INSANE and even though it's 11PM, I should still be working. I just didn't have it in me anymore. I meant to call the chiropractor today and ran out of time. I am only going to work a 1/2 day on Friday, so, I hope she can see me early afternoon time.
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I've been MIA
So, I should be doing my Show and Tell, but, I think I only have one post in me tonight. I've been MIA...and there is no excuse. Not much has been going on - and I've certainly been keeping up with all of you. Our last negative was certainly more difficult and has taken us longer to recover from than either of us expected or wanted to admit. This whole waiting until January thing is so frustrating to me. I feel like we are in the exact same place as we were last year. We were waiting to meet with our RE in January. Here we are again. I know we have learned a lot over the past 10 months, but damn if it doesn't piss me off that we are no better off now than 1 year ago. Clearly, my annoyance is shining through.
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Show and Tell
Welcome to Show and Tell! If you would like to participate, please click here.
This week, I am sharing my favorite picture of my flowers. R and I are always working in our yard. We love it...and are a little obsessed with it looking nice. It such instant gratification to plant annuals...but my favorite thing to plant is bulbs. They are always so surprising and beautiful. Its like you almost forget about them and then they start peeking up reaching for the sun :) I get so excited in March when my Jonquils start peeking through the mulch. So here goes....
This week, I am sharing my favorite picture of my flowers. R and I are always working in our yard. We love it...and are a little obsessed with it looking nice. It such instant gratification to plant annuals...but my favorite thing to plant is bulbs. They are always so surprising and beautiful. Its like you almost forget about them and then they start peeking up reaching for the sun :) I get so excited in March when my Jonquils start peeking through the mulch. So here goes....
We have framed some pictures of our flowers and have them hanging in our master bedroom. Here is my second favorite - its the blooms from our Forsythia bush...
Hope you enjoy viewing my artistic outlet :) Happy Show and Tell!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Manic Monday
Let me tell you how much I love Mel's open bar :) An open bar is always where I want to be...
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Show and Tell
To participate in the fun of Show and Tell, click here.
Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....
So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.
Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....
So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Moving On
Today I woke up at 5AM and knew I was starting my period. I was too tired to give a shit, in all honesty. When I did get up, I was really glad that I was able to wear jeans to our off site meeting for work today. AF came in with a vengeance. I was totally thinking I was PG on Monday night - my back was hurting SO BAD - like it did when I was PG for those 2 glorious days in March. Of course, then, I cried and worried that it would be another chemical since my back was hurting so bad. Anyway, none of that matters now. I am glad that I stopped the progesterone suppositories on Sunday after the negative POAS. I am glad that I POAS - it at least prepared me somewhat for yesterday. Don't get me wrong - I always hold on until the very last shred of hope is lost. I was still devastated when she called. I could tell just by her tone of voice when she said hello to me.
My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.
R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.
In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.
My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.
R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.
In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Same old song and dance
BFN. I don't have much else to say. It's just the same story, different month.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Of Course...
I POAS this morning and it was negative. There is a 51 - 82% chance that the test is accurate. Definitely bummed....
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