Yesterday morning, I was barely awake and felt this knock, knock, knock right below my belly button. And, I thought...is that gas? But then I felt it again. And then 2 more times after that.
Ol' girl was just saying good morning to her momma!!
So exciting!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I've got that bitch on a short leash, but somedays she still bites...
Ever have one of those days? Ugh...I am having one today. I'll probably cry myself to sleep and feel better tomorrow. I am hoping I can just "blog it out" and fore go the crying...puffy eyes aren't so hot.
I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...
We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.
Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.
March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.
Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.
I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???
IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.
Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.
Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.
But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**
*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.
**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.
I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...
We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.
Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.
March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.
Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.
I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???
IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.
Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.
Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.
But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**
*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.
**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
For this child, we have prayed
And we will keep praying. We got a curve ball on Friday. We should be used to this, yes? Afterall, we've survived 3 years of infertility poking and prodding and seem to be stronger and better for it. When I say we, I mean R and me.
So, appointment with the Perinatal Consultant on Friday. Apparently, I have a bicornuate uterus? WHAT? 30 months of endless dildo cam's shoved up my nether regions...no one ever noticed? An HSG and a sonohystogram...no mention of it. So, we're high risk and will see another Dr. every 4 weeks along with Archie. My cervix is fine and Butterbean is measuring perfectly. I've read some information via Dr. Google, but have decided to nip that in the bud...after all, I'm not taking my Zo.LoFt and I just can't take it. I'm going to trust the good Lord and my wonderful Docs and we'll get this baby here safe and healthy if it's the last thing I do!!!
My mother in law once told me - "Tara, God got you this far...he'll get you through it." I think those are pretty wonderful words. I also love my good friend, Amy (who is in her 2ww on IVF #1 if you can give her some encouragement...), for ingraining this bible verse into my life, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11.
I am thankful for the extra care we will receive through the next 26(+ or -) weeks and the extra looks we will get at Butterbean.
I am trying to stay positive about this whole uterus thing. Please feel free to smack me if/when I get self-absorbed with my little pity party. I couldn't help but feel even more inadequate with this news than IF has made me feel over the past years. Oh, and good ol' Dr. Google telling me I had a birth defect didn't help! I am, however, very grateful for this inadequate body and have to trust that it will survive this pregnancy and give us that healthy baby we have been praying for!
The good news from Friday and the best part of this post!!! We were able to get a peek at that hiney....and, we are having a little girl! We are thrilled to know and have made some decisions already on furniture for the nursery and furniture placement. (This is a big deal for us...we spent 3 years picking furniture for our master bedroom!). Now, we must start saving for the important things...like Feldman Brothers dresses and weddings - HAHAHA!!!
So, appointment with the Perinatal Consultant on Friday. Apparently, I have a bicornuate uterus? WHAT? 30 months of endless dildo cam's shoved up my nether regions...no one ever noticed? An HSG and a sonohystogram...no mention of it. So, we're high risk and will see another Dr. every 4 weeks along with Archie. My cervix is fine and Butterbean is measuring perfectly. I've read some information via Dr. Google, but have decided to nip that in the bud...after all, I'm not taking my Zo.LoFt and I just can't take it. I'm going to trust the good Lord and my wonderful Docs and we'll get this baby here safe and healthy if it's the last thing I do!!!
My mother in law once told me - "Tara, God got you this far...he'll get you through it." I think those are pretty wonderful words. I also love my good friend, Amy (who is in her 2ww on IVF #1 if you can give her some encouragement...), for ingraining this bible verse into my life, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11.
I am thankful for the extra care we will receive through the next 26(+ or -) weeks and the extra looks we will get at Butterbean.
I am trying to stay positive about this whole uterus thing. Please feel free to smack me if/when I get self-absorbed with my little pity party. I couldn't help but feel even more inadequate with this news than IF has made me feel over the past years. Oh, and good ol' Dr. Google telling me I had a birth defect didn't help! I am, however, very grateful for this inadequate body and have to trust that it will survive this pregnancy and give us that healthy baby we have been praying for!
The good news from Friday and the best part of this post!!! We were able to get a peek at that hiney....and, we are having a little girl! We are thrilled to know and have made some decisions already on furniture for the nursery and furniture placement. (This is a big deal for us...we spent 3 years picking furniture for our master bedroom!). Now, we must start saving for the important things...like Feldman Brothers dresses and weddings - HAHAHA!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Maybe a post for another blog...but for now, I'm posting here!
Just about every night I've been thinking about writing this post. And, I've been thinking about maybe a blog for our family...maybe a blog that I will one day show the Butterbean. I think his/her eyes and ears should be spared the Divine Secrets until they are well into adulthood. Not the fact that I am infertile, I just want to spare them the heartache, anger, depression, and ultimately, joy that I've documented in these theoretical pages of my diary for the whole world to read. I've been thinking maybe this new blog will be titled "You, me and Butterbean make 3." Cheesey, but, I think I might call this child Butterbean at his/her wedding....
So, I want to document what all has happened these past 13 weeks and 3 days...and I need to do it before I forget the sweet details and it all goes to pot.
June 11th - morning - At home pregnancy test. Your Daddy was in the bathroom and I busted in - breathless - "DUDE! There are 2 lines!!! Can you see them???" "Uh..yeah - what does that mean?" (In my head...seriously, buddy? 30 months of infertility battles and you don't know how to read a pregnancy test???) "It means IT WORKED!!!" I immediately sent my Mom (Nanna) an instant message, Aunt Mandie called me about 30 seconds later screaming.
June 11th - nighttime - another at home pregnancy test - still positive and darker lines!!! I called to report to Mom and Mandie.
June 12th - our 5 year wedding anniversary and another positive pregnancy test!! We left for Hilton Head to spend the weekend with Daddy's parents and Uncle Jeff and Aunt Kelly.
June 13th - Your grandfather (nickname TBD...) opens his fathers day gift that says "Happy Father's and Grandfather's day" while we were at breakfast at Skillet's. He looked at us and said "Is this for real??" He shows the card to your Grandmother and she screamed and started crying. At this point...I think we got a little attention and the waitress came over to give her congratulations.
June 15th - I had my first morning sickness/pregnancy symptom when Daddy made crab legs for me...I may never eat seafood again, but, Baby, you are worth it!!!
June 16th - my first Beta with my Doctor-it was through the roof!!
June 18th - second beta -still super high - all wonderful news!!!
Date to be inserted - our first ultrasound - and we saw a STRONG beating heart!!!
Date TBI - 2nd ultrasound - Aunt Mandie and I HEARD your heartbeat!! Daddy was at work :(
Date TBI - 3rd u/s - Daddy got to hear your heartbeat and recorded it so we could listen to it later!!
July 3rd - I got really sick after dinner. We were at the lake with your Grandparents.
July 21st - I got sick again. For some reason, I feel sick, but never get sick until nighttime. It's OK, though, Butterbean...Momma always feels better.
Date TBI- 4th u/s - with our OB - Dr. Roberts -and we heard your heartbeat, 182 beats per minute. You are growing strong and we are so happy.
August 9th - I woke up HUNGRY! All signs of morning sickness seem to be gone at 11 weeks and 6 days. Mommy is very thankful, Butterbean.
August 10th - 5th u/s - you are as perfect as ever!!! You moved around for us!!! It was super cool to see you turn over!!
August 21st - We have our NT scan and our 2nd official appointment with Dr. Roberts. We will get to see you AND hear your heart. And, we are also hoping you will show us that hiney-mo so we can start getting your pink or blue things! We love you so much!
Other important items to note -
Nanna, Pop and Aunt Mandie were the first to give us a gift for you. They gave us 3 outfits that I know you will love to wear. Jessy gave you your 2nd present -some more outfits and a "lovie" that is so soft I really would like to sleep with it. Aunt Joyce and Uncle Bill brought you a present to E's birthday party - a super soft white baby blanket. I know we will get good use out of that on those cold February and March nights when you and I are whispering secrets in the dark while the rest of God's wonderful world is sleeping! Daddy and I saw my good friend Anita and her husband Chuck on vacation. They are so wonderful and we always see them in St. Augustine, I know you will have fun with them, too! Anita and Chuck gave you your very first stuffed animal!! It is a giraffe that plays music. I love it! They also gave you 2 UGA onesie's. We are going to raise you right...Go Dawgs!!!
As of today, I (well, buddy - let's be honest - YOU and I) have gained 3 pounds. Not too bad!!! I am wearing all maternity clothes, as you seem to make my stomach too large to wear my normal clothes! Today, August 19th, was the first time someone approached me and asked if I was expecting. You are busting on out there, buddy!!!
Your cousin, E, is really in love with you already (although, she's really hoping you are a girl...but, she'll love you if you are a boy, too!!!). Today (8/19) at lunch she kissed my tummy to give you some love and wanted to make sure that "the baby likes tacos..." (because we were eating at Chipotle - she asks this where ever we are eating - "Tata - does that baby like pizza? Does that baby like chips? it goes on :)). She is really excited about you and can't wait for Valentine's Day to get here so you will be here. She is already thinking of something special she can make for Valentine's Day so she can give it to you as soon as you arrive!!! I know that you two are going to have a wonderful time together and I can just tell that you will be very close friends (well, you are family, after all!).
I'll think of more and I will make updates....I just wanted to get this out there. I don't want to forget any of these fleeting moments that will too soon be a faded memory.
So, I want to document what all has happened these past 13 weeks and 3 days...and I need to do it before I forget the sweet details and it all goes to pot.
June 11th - morning - At home pregnancy test. Your Daddy was in the bathroom and I busted in - breathless - "DUDE! There are 2 lines!!! Can you see them???" "Uh..yeah - what does that mean?" (In my head...seriously, buddy? 30 months of infertility battles and you don't know how to read a pregnancy test???) "It means IT WORKED!!!" I immediately sent my Mom (Nanna) an instant message, Aunt Mandie called me about 30 seconds later screaming.
June 11th - nighttime - another at home pregnancy test - still positive and darker lines!!! I called to report to Mom and Mandie.
June 12th - our 5 year wedding anniversary and another positive pregnancy test!! We left for Hilton Head to spend the weekend with Daddy's parents and Uncle Jeff and Aunt Kelly.
June 13th - Your grandfather (nickname TBD...) opens his fathers day gift that says "Happy Father's and Grandfather's day" while we were at breakfast at Skillet's. He looked at us and said "Is this for real??" He shows the card to your Grandmother and she screamed and started crying. At this point...I think we got a little attention and the waitress came over to give her congratulations.
June 15th - I had my first morning sickness/pregnancy symptom when Daddy made crab legs for me...I may never eat seafood again, but, Baby, you are worth it!!!
June 16th - my first Beta with my Doctor-it was through the roof!!
June 18th - second beta -still super high - all wonderful news!!!
Date to be inserted - our first ultrasound - and we saw a STRONG beating heart!!!
Date TBI - 2nd ultrasound - Aunt Mandie and I HEARD your heartbeat!! Daddy was at work :(
Date TBI - 3rd u/s - Daddy got to hear your heartbeat and recorded it so we could listen to it later!!
July 3rd - I got really sick after dinner. We were at the lake with your Grandparents.
July 21st - I got sick again. For some reason, I feel sick, but never get sick until nighttime. It's OK, though, Butterbean...Momma always feels better.
Date TBI- 4th u/s - with our OB - Dr. Roberts -and we heard your heartbeat, 182 beats per minute. You are growing strong and we are so happy.
August 9th - I woke up HUNGRY! All signs of morning sickness seem to be gone at 11 weeks and 6 days. Mommy is very thankful, Butterbean.
August 10th - 5th u/s - you are as perfect as ever!!! You moved around for us!!! It was super cool to see you turn over!!
August 21st - We have our NT scan and our 2nd official appointment with Dr. Roberts. We will get to see you AND hear your heart. And, we are also hoping you will show us that hiney-mo so we can start getting your pink or blue things! We love you so much!
Other important items to note -
Nanna, Pop and Aunt Mandie were the first to give us a gift for you. They gave us 3 outfits that I know you will love to wear. Jessy gave you your 2nd present -some more outfits and a "lovie" that is so soft I really would like to sleep with it. Aunt Joyce and Uncle Bill brought you a present to E's birthday party - a super soft white baby blanket. I know we will get good use out of that on those cold February and March nights when you and I are whispering secrets in the dark while the rest of God's wonderful world is sleeping! Daddy and I saw my good friend Anita and her husband Chuck on vacation. They are so wonderful and we always see them in St. Augustine, I know you will have fun with them, too! Anita and Chuck gave you your very first stuffed animal!! It is a giraffe that plays music. I love it! They also gave you 2 UGA onesie's. We are going to raise you right...Go Dawgs!!!
As of today, I (well, buddy - let's be honest - YOU and I) have gained 3 pounds. Not too bad!!! I am wearing all maternity clothes, as you seem to make my stomach too large to wear my normal clothes! Today, August 19th, was the first time someone approached me and asked if I was expecting. You are busting on out there, buddy!!!
Your cousin, E, is really in love with you already (although, she's really hoping you are a girl...but, she'll love you if you are a boy, too!!!). Today (8/19) at lunch she kissed my tummy to give you some love and wanted to make sure that "the baby likes tacos..." (because we were eating at Chipotle - she asks this where ever we are eating - "Tata - does that baby like pizza? Does that baby like chips? it goes on :)). She is really excited about you and can't wait for Valentine's Day to get here so you will be here. She is already thinking of something special she can make for Valentine's Day so she can give it to you as soon as you arrive!!! I know that you two are going to have a wonderful time together and I can just tell that you will be very close friends (well, you are family, after all!).
I'll think of more and I will make updates....I just wanted to get this out there. I don't want to forget any of these fleeting moments that will too soon be a faded memory.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Yes, I'm still here...
I've been a terrible blogger recently. This is partly due to the fact that I feel guilty for blogging in the infertile community while pregnant, I'm lazy as all freaking get out, and that I'm looking for the new normal of what our life is to become.
While I will always bear the scars of this infertility battle, and already think of the future cycles I will likely insist we endure (I've never imagined life with just one butterbean), I feel sort of like a fraud on my blog lately. Sort of like...um...what's a good analogy here? I don't know. I just feel sort of misfit...insisting a square peg will fit into a round hole, if you will. One thing I will never be - flippant about my pregnancy. I will never look at a pregnant stomach and be anything but envious of the ease at which some become that way. I'll never forget the months on months of heart ache and the damage it caused to several relationships...or how R and I actually grew so much closer during that heartache. I will always be infertile.
We made trip #2 to my OB/GYN today, Archie. He is so freaking awesome. While at the beach last week, I had some dis-colored dis-charge. I was totally thinking emergency room and the nightmares of what might ensue. I called Archie's office and they paged him. He called me back within 15 MINUTES!!! OMG!! I thought I would never get that kind of service at the regular DR's office! He was wonderful - told me it was totally normal, but to call and he'd see me when we got home if I was still worried. So, of course, we saw him today. We heard that beautiful heartbeat and saw that beautiful little butterbean again. He laughed and told me that he knew I just wanted another u/s. Everything is fine. I believe him now...and I'm going to relax. I've gotta put my trust in him and in HIM and believe that we are going to welcome Butterbean into this world and our family in February.
We have a 13 week scan a week from Friday. This will tell us our risks for chromosomal abnormalities, which Archie says will be low given our age, and another look at the Butterbean. Maybe we will even get to find out the gender.
Butterbean, which I keep calling a He just for lack of knowing, is measuring 6 cm today at exactly 12 weeks. He didn't tell us the heart-rate, but was able to pick it up on the Doppler right away. Also, we had the external ultrasound. WHAT? No vaginal ultrasounds? OMG!!
I'm starting to show a little. The 15 pounds I've gained over the last 3 years probably is a factor, as I haven't gained any since getting PG. (According to the DR, I have gained 2 lbs - but I haven't gone over my heaviest weight recorded, so, I call it even...). I have been wearing maternity pants because my regular pants won't zip or button. My boobs - HUGE. Its on the agenda this week to get new bras. Only 1 of mine fits now and those girls are BUSTIN out of it. It's all very surreal. And, I'm loving it.
I've been following all of you...and keeping you in my prayers. Sorry for the slacker I've been at commenting. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss for words. It seems so redundant to say - I've been there. So, I just sit at my laptop and cry with you and pray. So, I've been absent physically, but you haven't been off my mind.
This post is kind of all over the place. That's how my brain works these days. Hope you could follow it a little!
While I will always bear the scars of this infertility battle, and already think of the future cycles I will likely insist we endure (I've never imagined life with just one butterbean), I feel sort of like a fraud on my blog lately. Sort of like...um...what's a good analogy here? I don't know. I just feel sort of misfit...insisting a square peg will fit into a round hole, if you will. One thing I will never be - flippant about my pregnancy. I will never look at a pregnant stomach and be anything but envious of the ease at which some become that way. I'll never forget the months on months of heart ache and the damage it caused to several relationships...or how R and I actually grew so much closer during that heartache. I will always be infertile.
We made trip #2 to my OB/GYN today, Archie. He is so freaking awesome. While at the beach last week, I had some dis-colored dis-charge. I was totally thinking emergency room and the nightmares of what might ensue. I called Archie's office and they paged him. He called me back within 15 MINUTES!!! OMG!! I thought I would never get that kind of service at the regular DR's office! He was wonderful - told me it was totally normal, but to call and he'd see me when we got home if I was still worried. So, of course, we saw him today. We heard that beautiful heartbeat and saw that beautiful little butterbean again. He laughed and told me that he knew I just wanted another u/s. Everything is fine. I believe him now...and I'm going to relax. I've gotta put my trust in him and in HIM and believe that we are going to welcome Butterbean into this world and our family in February.
We have a 13 week scan a week from Friday. This will tell us our risks for chromosomal abnormalities, which Archie says will be low given our age, and another look at the Butterbean. Maybe we will even get to find out the gender.
Butterbean, which I keep calling a He just for lack of knowing, is measuring 6 cm today at exactly 12 weeks. He didn't tell us the heart-rate, but was able to pick it up on the Doppler right away. Also, we had the external ultrasound. WHAT? No vaginal ultrasounds? OMG!!
I'm starting to show a little. The 15 pounds I've gained over the last 3 years probably is a factor, as I haven't gained any since getting PG. (According to the DR, I have gained 2 lbs - but I haven't gone over my heaviest weight recorded, so, I call it even...). I have been wearing maternity pants because my regular pants won't zip or button. My boobs - HUGE. Its on the agenda this week to get new bras. Only 1 of mine fits now and those girls are BUSTIN out of it. It's all very surreal. And, I'm loving it.
I've been following all of you...and keeping you in my prayers. Sorry for the slacker I've been at commenting. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss for words. It seems so redundant to say - I've been there. So, I just sit at my laptop and cry with you and pray. So, I've been absent physically, but you haven't been off my mind.
This post is kind of all over the place. That's how my brain works these days. Hope you could follow it a little!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Long time...no post
I keep meaning to post, but my energy and motivation levels are at an all time low. I basically do nothing. Such a sloth....I hope it will get better in the weeks to come.
So, I came out at work this week. I didn't do a email based announcement - just let it slip - I liked it better that way. My office is kind of weird and so, I don't like being the center of attention here.
I had my last appointment with Dr. K last week and totally cried. He is so wonderful and I'm so scared to move on. What if I have a question after hours? I'm sure I'll be fine. First appointment with my regular OB (Archie) is on Friday. Hoping I can sleep tonight!!!
Ever since I found out that our miracle was finally on its way, I've found out about so many others that are due around the same time. I kept getting worried- you know how they say like 1 in 3 women will m.is.ca.r...I can't finish that word. Anyway, I've been so scared it would be me. Not that I wish that on anyone. I just don't know if I could take it at this point. Cha.r.ter Peach.ford bound, I would be.
I found out yesterday who the 1 in 3 is...and I am so sad for her. She's been on my heart and mind ever since I heard things weren't looking so hot last week. Her sister told me and then let me know yesterday...and I would love to reach out to her, but I wasn't supposed to know. Rock. Hard place. And...it's not like I've ever had a D&C, so I don't really know...but Lord knows I know the heartache of a perpetually empty uterus.
It probably makes me the worst kind of person...but I really was so thankful it wasn't me. I know...start throwing the mean words my way.
I just can't let this little butter bean go. I don't know what I'd do.
I cry at everything - songs about kids growing up...the one that really gets me...Alan Jackson - Remember When. "Remember when...the sound of little feet wasn't music..." AH! Tears now. I hope that sound will always be music to my ears and that I never take it for granted.
So, please pray for my friend. I know that so many of you know in excruciating detail the heartache she is experiencing.
And, please don't hate me about being glad it wasn't me....
So, I came out at work this week. I didn't do a email based announcement - just let it slip - I liked it better that way. My office is kind of weird and so, I don't like being the center of attention here.
I had my last appointment with Dr. K last week and totally cried. He is so wonderful and I'm so scared to move on. What if I have a question after hours? I'm sure I'll be fine. First appointment with my regular OB (Archie) is on Friday. Hoping I can sleep tonight!!!
Ever since I found out that our miracle was finally on its way, I've found out about so many others that are due around the same time. I kept getting worried- you know how they say like 1 in 3 women will m.is.ca.r...I can't finish that word. Anyway, I've been so scared it would be me. Not that I wish that on anyone. I just don't know if I could take it at this point. Cha.r.ter Peach.ford bound, I would be.
I found out yesterday who the 1 in 3 is...and I am so sad for her. She's been on my heart and mind ever since I heard things weren't looking so hot last week. Her sister told me and then let me know yesterday...and I would love to reach out to her, but I wasn't supposed to know. Rock. Hard place. And...it's not like I've ever had a D&C, so I don't really know...but Lord knows I know the heartache of a perpetually empty uterus.
It probably makes me the worst kind of person...but I really was so thankful it wasn't me. I know...start throwing the mean words my way.
I just can't let this little butter bean go. I don't know what I'd do.
I cry at everything - songs about kids growing up...the one that really gets me...Alan Jackson - Remember When. "Remember when...the sound of little feet wasn't music..." AH! Tears now. I hope that sound will always be music to my ears and that I never take it for granted.
So, please pray for my friend. I know that so many of you know in excruciating detail the heartache she is experiencing.
And, please don't hate me about being glad it wasn't me....
Monday, July 6, 2009
Still kickin'
Each day that passes, I feel like we are crossing a hurdle. I stopped the PIO injections last week and started the progesterone suppositories. One word...YUCK! The shots are way easier :)
Anyway, they said I would probably spot...well, hearing that and seeing it are two VERY DIFFERENT things. Sunday morning I woke up spotting and totally wigged out.
I went in today and the little peanut is growing strong. We heard the heartbeat, I felt bad, R couldn't get home from work in time to go, so my sister went with me. Poor guy, he missed it. It was pretty surreal.
So, now we have 5 pictures of our little peanut and we go back next Wednesday. I think after that appointment, they send me on my way. WHAT??? That kinda freaks me out!
I haven't been posting much just for lack of anything really thought provoking to say. Not to worry - I am keeping up with you and praying.
Anyway, they said I would probably spot...well, hearing that and seeing it are two VERY DIFFERENT things. Sunday morning I woke up spotting and totally wigged out.
I went in today and the little peanut is growing strong. We heard the heartbeat, I felt bad, R couldn't get home from work in time to go, so my sister went with me. Poor guy, he missed it. It was pretty surreal.
So, now we have 5 pictures of our little peanut and we go back next Wednesday. I think after that appointment, they send me on my way. WHAT??? That kinda freaks me out!
I haven't been posting much just for lack of anything really thought provoking to say. Not to worry - I am keeping up with you and praying.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
No sick joke here!
We saw one healthy heartbeat today! It was amazing. It's so incredible that at 6 weeks you can see that heartbeat!!
It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.
I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.
Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.
Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!
It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.
I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.
Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.
Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sleepless at Six Weeks
For the first time in six weeks, I have been laying in bed for an hour without being able to fall asleep. It may be the pending ultrasound tomorrow and my anxiety surrounding that. Will I get there and they tell me this has all been a sick joke and nothing is growing in my uterus? That is a serious fear. Also, my blogging, or lack there of, is on my mind.
Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.
I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.
I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.
I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...
I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.
Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)
Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.
I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.
I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.
I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...
I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.
Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Testing...Testing...1...2...3
Testing...That's what we've been doing since June 11th.
Beta 1 = 246.5
Beta 2 = 711.9
Beta 3 = 5626
I cannot even believe it. It is surreal.
R doesn't want anyone to know, so, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. It is the hardest thing to do!!! We have an ultra sound on Tuesday...
Is this really happening??? Oh, I just felt my sore boobs. Yep...I think it's real!!!!
Beta 1 = 246.5
Beta 2 = 711.9
Beta 3 = 5626
I cannot even believe it. It is surreal.
R doesn't want anyone to know, so, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. It is the hardest thing to do!!! We have an ultra sound on Tuesday...
Is this really happening??? Oh, I just felt my sore boobs. Yep...I think it's real!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
They don't get better than this...
McDonald's for breakfast - check
Wearing something green -check check
A purse full of my favorite talismans - check
2 blasts - check
1 pregnancy - let's hope...
As the title suggests - the DR said at our transfer regarding our blasts, "They don't get better than this...". I just wish we could fast forward 6 weeks - then, if we are pregnant we would be seeing those heartbeats. And if we aren't, we would,hopefully, be past the worst of it.
Maybe I'll puke in the morning and have really sore boobs...
Here's hopin...
Wearing something green -check check
A purse full of my favorite talismans - check
2 blasts - check
1 pregnancy - let's hope...
As the title suggests - the DR said at our transfer regarding our blasts, "They don't get better than this...". I just wish we could fast forward 6 weeks - then, if we are pregnant we would be seeing those heartbeats. And if we aren't, we would,hopefully, be past the worst of it.
Maybe I'll puke in the morning and have really sore boobs...
Here's hopin...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
People are idiots
So, I am in the office today. And, I am talking to the Senior Manager here. Just a nice, friendly conversation. I tell her I am planning to make my niece a dress for her birthday and monogram it and she says - So, are yall just going to adopt? Several issues with this statement. First of all, you can't "just" adopt- this is a long process and can involve as much heartache and despair as IVF. Second of all, if I wanted to talk about my family plans with you, bitch, I would have said so. In the meantime, mind your fucking business.
So, if you see me driving this in a month, you will know that my TTC journey is over.
And, if, God forbid, that happens...hopefully, all those idiots that don't "get" IF will their mouths shut.I am WOMAN...Hear me ROAR!!!
I did my own PIO shot last night! Yeah!!!
It actually hurt less than when R does it!
I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...
It actually hurt less than when R does it!
I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
When it rains...
It pours.
My dad fell out of a tree today and broke his ankle. A catastrophic break. What was he doing in a tree, you ask? Hell if I know. Trying to cut a branch that wouldn't have even fallen in his yard. He crawled on his hands and knees from the bottom of the lot, up 4 stairs into the house and called my mom.
In the midst of IVF and him having just retired - literally, less than 3 weeks ago - it's a lot for one family to handle.
I am so thankful that it was just his ankle - and not his neck. But, at the same time, since his surgery in March, it's been a steady realization that my Dad is no longer 40 and as able bodied as his younger self. It's scary...and it makes me sad.
My dad fell out of a tree today and broke his ankle. A catastrophic break. What was he doing in a tree, you ask? Hell if I know. Trying to cut a branch that wouldn't have even fallen in his yard. He crawled on his hands and knees from the bottom of the lot, up 4 stairs into the house and called my mom.
In the midst of IVF and him having just retired - literally, less than 3 weeks ago - it's a lot for one family to handle.
I am so thankful that it was just his ankle - and not his neck. But, at the same time, since his surgery in March, it's been a steady realization that my Dad is no longer 40 and as able bodied as his younger self. It's scary...and it makes me sad.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
What's that? Hope? I thought we were no longer friends...
I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart.
A few reasons for hope:
My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.
A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?
So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.
Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.
I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.
A few reasons for hope:
My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.
A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?
So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.
Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.
I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A New Day Ahead
I am so excited to have a little bit of fun news! I wish it were IF related, but, alas it isn't.
I am starting a little business. I've been thinking about it for months...and I finally took the plunge on Friday. It's pretty cliche - a suburban chick buys a sewing/embroidery machine and thinks she's going to conquer the world. But, however cliche, I'm really excited to have this new creative outlet and hobby. Infertility has robbed me of too many months of having our entire life on hold. We don't schedule fancy vacations or spend money without really contemplating it - "I might be pregnant and don't want to fly during the first trimester" or "We probably shouldn't spend money on {insert anything here}, so we can afford IVF again" or "We'll be in our next cycle that month...best not to plan anything during those weeks"...blah blah blah. You know the drill...we all do it.
Well, we've finally made a decision and said "Screw IF and any cost associated with it....this will bring some happiness to us". Ok, I said we, but clearly, it's ME. R will likely get very little out of me monogramming our towels or making cute things for my friends and the like. Of course, I hope to recoup the money I've spent on the machine and materials, but, I am not thinking I'll be able to retire in 6 months from monogramming my niece's clothes!!!
If you are interested, I've set up a blog for "the business". Haha - just sounds funny to say that. It's www.tsadesigns.blogspot.com.
Here's to making ourselves happy inspite of IF.
My uncle, while still in ICU, is doing better. Thank you for your precious comments and continued prayers. And, oh...about seeing Murgdan...we have been IRL friends since before I saw her at the hospital. We met several months ago and have since formed a sort of IRL IF support group. Isn't it so nice to have IRL friends who understand this craziness of IF???
I am starting a little business. I've been thinking about it for months...and I finally took the plunge on Friday. It's pretty cliche - a suburban chick buys a sewing/embroidery machine and thinks she's going to conquer the world. But, however cliche, I'm really excited to have this new creative outlet and hobby. Infertility has robbed me of too many months of having our entire life on hold. We don't schedule fancy vacations or spend money without really contemplating it - "I might be pregnant and don't want to fly during the first trimester" or "We probably shouldn't spend money on {insert anything here}, so we can afford IVF again" or "We'll be in our next cycle that month...best not to plan anything during those weeks"...blah blah blah. You know the drill...we all do it.
Well, we've finally made a decision and said "Screw IF and any cost associated with it....this will bring some happiness to us". Ok, I said we, but clearly, it's ME. R will likely get very little out of me monogramming our towels or making cute things for my friends and the like. Of course, I hope to recoup the money I've spent on the machine and materials, but, I am not thinking I'll be able to retire in 6 months from monogramming my niece's clothes!!!
If you are interested, I've set up a blog for "the business". Haha - just sounds funny to say that. It's www.tsadesigns.blogspot.com.
Here's to making ourselves happy inspite of IF.
My uncle, while still in ICU, is doing better. Thank you for your precious comments and continued prayers. And, oh...about seeing Murgdan...we have been IRL friends since before I saw her at the hospital. We met several months ago and have since formed a sort of IRL IF support group. Isn't it so nice to have IRL friends who understand this craziness of IF???
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Headaches and waiting
Waiting is a complete headache. However, we wait no more to kick this cycle off! Period is here and in FULL FORCE. She's back with a vengeance!!! This cycle will be over, one way or another, by June 15th (ish...). I'm glad to finally be on our way with it.
I do have a monster headache today, though. Maybe the good ol' period, but, probably more is stress. My uncle had to have emergency surgery today. Something happened with his small intestine - a blood clot - and part of it died. So, they had to remove it and reconnect his pipes. Sounds easy enough. However, he's in his late 70s and is diabetic and has had heart trouble in the past. The next few days will be touch and go. We're, obviously, hoping for a quick, FULL recovery and no additional surgery. He's one of the very sweetest, kindest men I know. He was my Dad's best man and has been like a grandfather to my sister and I.
Needless to point out, it's been a bit of a stressful day...and my head is pounding.
Any prayers you can offer up are much appreciated.
One really bright spot to my day - I ran into Murgdan at the hospital! Small world, and it was nice to see her during this 2WW for her. She also was able to meet my very favorite person - my niece (who was terribly shy and wouldn't speak...).
I do have a monster headache today, though. Maybe the good ol' period, but, probably more is stress. My uncle had to have emergency surgery today. Something happened with his small intestine - a blood clot - and part of it died. So, they had to remove it and reconnect his pipes. Sounds easy enough. However, he's in his late 70s and is diabetic and has had heart trouble in the past. The next few days will be touch and go. We're, obviously, hoping for a quick, FULL recovery and no additional surgery. He's one of the very sweetest, kindest men I know. He was my Dad's best man and has been like a grandfather to my sister and I.
Needless to point out, it's been a bit of a stressful day...and my head is pounding.
Any prayers you can offer up are much appreciated.
One really bright spot to my day - I ran into Murgdan at the hospital! Small world, and it was nice to see her during this 2WW for her. She also was able to meet my very favorite person - my niece (who was terribly shy and wouldn't speak...).
Monday, May 11, 2009
Manic Monday
I just like saying Manic Monday. It's not like my Monday has been real crazy or anything.
I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.
I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!
Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.
Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."
Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.
Sorry - random post, random thoughts.
I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.
I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!
Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.
Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."
Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.
Sorry - random post, random thoughts.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The days tick away...
And we slowly get closer to IVF #4.
I'm ready. SOOOOO ready. Let's get this party started.
As we get closer, I slowly feel hope creeping back in. It's a strange thing. How can you continue to get hopeful when you've been burned so many times before?
Did anyone see the Michael J. Fox special last Thursday night? It was all about optimism.
Interesting piece. Some days it's harder than others to remain optimistic.
Here's to optimism, baby. Pun intended.
I'm ready. SOOOOO ready. Let's get this party started.
As we get closer, I slowly feel hope creeping back in. It's a strange thing. How can you continue to get hopeful when you've been burned so many times before?
Did anyone see the Michael J. Fox special last Thursday night? It was all about optimism.
Interesting piece. Some days it's harder than others to remain optimistic.
Here's to optimism, baby. Pun intended.
Friday, May 1, 2009
May - the month of Mothers
Today is May 1st. I wonder why April 1st is April Fools Day and no other 1st is a fools day. Hum...something for me to google.
I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).
Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.
My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.
My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.
Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.
My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.
My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?
Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.
So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.
I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).
Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.
My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.
My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.
Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.
My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.
My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?
Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.
So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)