No sick joke here!

We saw one healthy heartbeat today! It was amazing. It's so incredible that at 6 weeks you can see that heartbeat!!

It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.

I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.

Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.

Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!

Sleepless at Six Weeks

For the first time in six weeks, I have been laying in bed for an hour without being able to fall asleep. It may be the pending ultrasound tomorrow and my anxiety surrounding that. Will I get there and they tell me this has all been a sick joke and nothing is growing in my uterus? That is a serious fear. Also, my blogging, or lack there of, is on my mind.

Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.

I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.

I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.

I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...

I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.

Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)

Testing...Testing...1...2...3

Testing...That's what we've been doing since June 11th.

Beta 1 = 246.5
Beta 2 = 711.9
Beta 3 = 5626

I cannot even believe it. It is surreal.

R doesn't want anyone to know, so, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. It is the hardest thing to do!!! We have an ultra sound on Tuesday...

Is this really happening??? Oh, I just felt my sore boobs. Yep...I think it's real!!!!

They don't get better than this...

McDonald's for breakfast - check
Wearing something green -check check
A purse full of my favorite talismans - check
2 blasts - check
1 pregnancy - let's hope...

As the title suggests - the DR said at our transfer regarding our blasts, "They don't get better than this...". I just wish we could fast forward 6 weeks - then, if we are pregnant we would be seeing those heartbeats. And if we aren't, we would,hopefully, be past the worst of it.

Maybe I'll puke in the morning and have really sore boobs...

Here's hopin...

People are idiots

So, I am in the office today. And, I am talking to the Senior Manager here. Just a nice, friendly conversation. I tell her I am planning to make my niece a dress for her birthday and monogram it and she says - So, are yall just going to adopt? Several issues with this statement. First of all, you can't "just" adopt- this is a long process and can involve as much heartache and despair as IVF. Second of all, if I wanted to talk about my family plans with you, bitch, I would have said so. In the meantime, mind your fucking business.

So, if you see me driving this in a month, you will know that my TTC journey is over.

And, if, God forbid, that happens...hopefully, all those idiots that don't "get" IF will their mouths shut.

I am WOMAN...Hear me ROAR!!!

I did my own PIO shot last night! Yeah!!!

It actually hurt less than when R does it!

I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...

When it rains...

It pours.

My dad fell out of a tree today and broke his ankle. A catastrophic break. What was he doing in a tree, you ask? Hell if I know. Trying to cut a branch that wouldn't have even fallen in his yard. He crawled on his hands and knees from the bottom of the lot, up 4 stairs into the house and called my mom.

In the midst of IVF and him having just retired - literally, less than 3 weeks ago - it's a lot for one family to handle.

I am so thankful that it was just his ankle - and not his neck. But, at the same time, since his surgery in March, it's been a steady realization that my Dad is no longer 40 and as able bodied as his younger self. It's scary...and it makes me sad.

What's that? Hope? I thought we were no longer friends...

I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart.

A few reasons for hope:

My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.

A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?

So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.

Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.

I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.

A New Day Ahead

I am so excited to have a little bit of fun news! I wish it were IF related, but, alas it isn't.

I am starting a little business. I've been thinking about it for months...and I finally took the plunge on Friday. It's pretty cliche - a suburban chick buys a sewing/embroidery machine and thinks she's going to conquer the world. But, however cliche, I'm really excited to have this new creative outlet and hobby. Infertility has robbed me of too many months of having our entire life on hold. We don't schedule fancy vacations or spend money without really contemplating it - "I might be pregnant and don't want to fly during the first trimester" or "We probably shouldn't spend money on {insert anything here}, so we can afford IVF again" or "We'll be in our next cycle that month...best not to plan anything during those weeks"...blah blah blah. You know the drill...we all do it.

Well, we've finally made a decision and said "Screw IF and any cost associated with it....this will bring some happiness to us". Ok, I said we, but clearly, it's ME. R will likely get very little out of me monogramming our towels or making cute things for my friends and the like. Of course, I hope to recoup the money I've spent on the machine and materials, but, I am not thinking I'll be able to retire in 6 months from monogramming my niece's clothes!!!

If you are interested, I've set up a blog for "the business". Haha - just sounds funny to say that. It's www.tsadesigns.blogspot.com.

Here's to making ourselves happy inspite of IF.

My uncle, while still in ICU, is doing better. Thank you for your precious comments and continued prayers. And, oh...about seeing Murgdan...we have been IRL friends since before I saw her at the hospital. We met several months ago and have since formed a sort of IRL IF support group. Isn't it so nice to have IRL friends who understand this craziness of IF???

Headaches and waiting

Waiting is a complete headache. However, we wait no more to kick this cycle off! Period is here and in FULL FORCE. She's back with a vengeance!!! This cycle will be over, one way or another, by June 15th (ish...). I'm glad to finally be on our way with it.

I do have a monster headache today, though. Maybe the good ol' period, but, probably more is stress. My uncle had to have emergency surgery today. Something happened with his small intestine - a blood clot - and part of it died. So, they had to remove it and reconnect his pipes. Sounds easy enough. However, he's in his late 70s and is diabetic and has had heart trouble in the past. The next few days will be touch and go. We're, obviously, hoping for a quick, FULL recovery and no additional surgery. He's one of the very sweetest, kindest men I know. He was my Dad's best man and has been like a grandfather to my sister and I.

Needless to point out, it's been a bit of a stressful day...and my head is pounding.

Any prayers you can offer up are much appreciated.

One really bright spot to my day - I ran into Murgdan at the hospital! Small world, and it was nice to see her during this 2WW for her. She also was able to meet my very favorite person - my niece (who was terribly shy and wouldn't speak...).

Manic Monday

I just like saying Manic Monday. It's not like my Monday has been real crazy or anything.

I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.

I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!

Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.

Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."

Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.

Sorry - random post, random thoughts.

The days tick away...

And we slowly get closer to IVF #4.

I'm ready. SOOOOO ready. Let's get this party started.

As we get closer, I slowly feel hope creeping back in. It's a strange thing. How can you continue to get hopeful when you've been burned so many times before?

Did anyone see the Michael J. Fox special last Thursday night? It was all about optimism.

Interesting piece. Some days it's harder than others to remain optimistic.

Here's to optimism, baby. Pun intended.

May - the month of Mothers

Today is May 1st. I wonder why April 1st is April Fools Day and no other 1st is a fools day. Hum...something for me to google.

I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).

Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.

My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.

My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.

Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.

My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.

My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?

Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.

So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.

Its Thursday Afternoon and I have lost my motivation

Has anyone seen it?

I had a major breakthrough in my big monthly reporting package today that is going to make life much easier. Once I figured it out, I pretty much checked out. That's OK, right?

We have our protocol for the next cycle...everything will be over and done with by around June 15th. Its a weird protocol that even an old veteran like me has a hard time figuring out. We'll get started soon.

This is it, though. All in.

I'm hoping that by some miracle Grace of God we can freeze something. Well, I'm really banking on it working AND us being able to freeze.

We'll see. I'll probably really get my hopes up once we get started. For now, I'm just over being infertile. I'm ready to cash in and head to a remote island...work at a suntan lotion stand on the beach. Be a free spirited hippie - Me, R and our dogs.

The plan is to do this cycle under the radar. No daily estrogen levels and follicle count updates. Early appointments so there are no questions at work. No blogging about every emotion - too many people know about my blog for me to blog and still have a low key cycle. I'm hoping to avoid anyone calling me the day of my beta to ask about the results. I'm hoping to avoid the past repeating itself.

I labeled this post IVF #4. I never in my life dreamed what was in store for us in our effort to grow our family. Its been a heartbreaking chain of events over the past 2 and a half years that we will either get through and be stronger for or we will let it tear us apart. Luckily, for us, we are not letting IF win. No matter how this last cycle turns out, what joy or heart ache it brings, we are going to survive.

With my lack of blogging, I find I have so much to say. Maybe going underground wasn't the best idea.

Here are some updates that are basically jumping off my chest!!!:

1. My friend over at a Few Good Sperm had a negative beta after IVF#1 yesterday. Please go give her some support.
2. I'm having friends with 6 beautiful girls tonight, who also happen to be infertile. Most of us go to the same doctor. We are all less than 7 degrees separated.
3. Mother's Day is soon and has really been on my mind. I am so truly blessed to have such a wonderful Mom.
4. Several close friends are expecting...its had a strange effect on me. Not a bad effect, just a strange one. I'm trying to sort through those feelings.
5. Work has actually been pretty good- I've been in the office more lately and am not hating it so much. Maybe it's been my attitude in the past about being here...maybe I'm just over spending so much energy dreading it here.
6. I'm taking a cake decorating class in May...I am so nerdy...and SO EXCITED! Hopefully, I will have the motivation to show up to Show and Tell and share my creations :)
7. We've been working in the yard and it's been really gratifying. My rhododendron were blooming this morning and it absolutely made my day. They are gorgeous.

Its nice to be back. I've missed you girls. Thanks for understanding my need for a break from it all!

MIA

No, not the name Mia - I am talking about me...being M.I.A. I went on "spring break" last week - funny seeing how I am NOT a teacher nor am I a student. Oh, well, the tradition continues for this lady.

We had a wonderful week of beautiful weather, too much beer, lots of yummy food and laughs. But, its always nice to return home.

R and I leave for the beach again on Wednesday for a good friend's wedding. I am a slacker - basically taking 2 weeks off from work. Oh well...that's what vacation time is for!!!

Met with Dr. K today - went over new protocol, etc. We'll get started either in a couple weeks or the next cycle. I'm kinda over being infertile, though. I am sick of thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. I know...you get the point. So, while I will be here - cheering you on, I may not be posting very often.

I re-read "Waiting for Daisy" for the 3rd time last night. Man, that book...go get it if you haven't read it before. Or, ladies - let me know if you want to borrow it - although I might make you sign over your first born in the promise that you will return it. (Anyone laughing at my joke???). Anyway, that book basically feels like my life - minus the 5 continents, 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions. However, she has so many insightful things to say. I might start at the beginning of it again tonight.

Anywhoo...just wanted you to know I am here. Praying for my sisters in the trenches. Praying for myself....waiting for my own Daisy.

My pathway is broken...

I was thinking last night how much life has changed in the 4 and 1/2 years R and I have been married. Its truly amazing. I almost can't remember the person I was back then. We were so very different.

When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.

So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!

Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.

My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.

We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.

The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.

We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.

My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.

What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.

I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.

This is not the path I would have chosen.

My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.

All kinds of self pity here today...

Take note of my warning, friends. It is not a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.

Ah, well. Such is life.

I am in a funk today. Not sure if its the weather or what. I found out that a "friend" at my RE got PG on her first IVF cycle. I'm happy for her - but so freaking jealous I can't even stand it. I am so jealous that she has such insanely strong Beta's...I would lay money that she's having twins. I want to be that totally selfless person that jumps for joy and cries with excitement for her, but I just can't. I feel like this freaking IF journey has become a race to get pregnant and I keep losing. I'm so jealous that I can see the green in my skin. I am so full of self pity and I can't see past my own nose.

How I long for the day that I can send the email - "My Beta was 7,750 today. We are just sitting on pins and needles still. Too worried to be excited." I know we'll be worried/excited/scared shitless/out of our mind happy. I got to enjoy a very poor beta for 24 hours once - knowing it wouldn't last - and I couldn't believe the emotions we felt. It was total euphoria. I've never been so scared and so happy in my life. Will I ever feel that again? Today, my glass appears half empty and I am terrified that I'll never know the joys of pregnancy or parenthood. I'm so pissed off that we had 2 perfect embryos and neither found it comfortable enough to take root. I'm so pissed that them not taking likely means that something was chromosomally wrong with them. I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch.

Infertile and living in a Fertile World

I had dinner this week with some friends. I was in a pretty shit mood to begin with. You know how some days you just wake up insanely pissed off that seemingly everyone in the world has kids or is pregnant but you? Yeah, that was me.

So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.

With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.

Google defines normal as:

• conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal ...
• in accordance with scientific laws
• being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"

In the life of an infertile, or at least this infertile, I don't think anything about my life will ever be "normal" again. Yes, we may live in the burbs, drive our SUVs, have our 2 dogs and 1 cat, enjoy vacationing at the beach, etc. Long after these battle wounds have healed, R and I will live out our lives with permanent, deep scars. We will always look at pregnant teenagers with eyes of both disgust and envy. I'll always look at pregnant bellies with longing eyes (even if I get to enjoy those amazing 40 weeks myself). I don't think I will ever consider us "normal". After all, we live in a world where fertile is normal...so, automatically, are abnormal.

This isn't a post to get you to feel sorry for me that I don't feel normal. I'm not ashamed. I just have those days where it really pisses me off that I am abnormal. I hope my friends forgive me for those days and will continue to love us through this journey.

73rd Post, 73 Reasons why my Plus One is Awesome

Welcome to post 73!

Too often, I think I get caught up in IF and forget that this journey is really about US...It's not just ME experiencing the heartbreak and constant disappointment.

So, totally random number, but I didn't want to wait to 100 to post. Here you have it - 73 reasons why R is Awesome!

1. He doesn't complain about what I cook for dinner, even if its awful or something he doesn't like.
2. He cleans the house - I haven't cleaned a toilet in 5 years.
3. He understands my compulsive need to have closets and laundry rooms organized.
4. He doesn't understand why that organization doesn't spill over into cabinets or pantries, but he moves on.
5. He enjoys the little things in life - "WOO HOO! Our forsythia bush is slap full of blooms!"
6. He loves his parents and treats them well.
7. That being said, he doesn't like it, but tolerates it, when I bitch about them.
8. He loves my family...craziness and all.
9. He loves my niece as much as I do.
10. He doesn't complain when we have said niece and gets kicked out of our bed.
11. He probably doesn't understand, but is supportive of the extended support lines I need to get through IF.
12. He works very hard - and at night - but lets me have pretty much sole control of our finances.
13. He doesn't complain when I tell him we need to watch our spend very closely and then spend $60 on a tennis outfit.
14. He lets me fill our house with friends and family as often as I like.
15. He has been truly my partner in making our house a HOME.
16. He totally trusts my judgement - I have been the only one to test drive the 3 cars we have bought together.
17. He takes care of the dogs - and all I have to do is love them!!
18. He takes care of our crazy-expensive stray cat...who I admit I like her...but she drives me nuts
19. When life gets too hard, and we can't even say the things that are too hard to say, he will write me a love letter email so that his feelings are still "said."
20. He loves "stupid" movies and shows - the ones that make you laugh just because they are so unbelievable (Taledaga Nights, Sponge Bob, etc.)
21. He finds Curious George episodes comforting.
22. He is freaking FUNNY.
23. He really loves my Dad and being with him (at least, that's how he acts!).
24. If he is your friend, he will be there with you for ANYTHING.
25. He's anally organized - he will keep 3 or 4 lists of things he "needs" to do going at the same time (sometimes this also drives me nuts).
26. He cries with me about infertility, but doesn't blame me that we are going through it.
27. He tells me that I am annoying when I get going on a saying, "That shit is funny dude!!" and the like, but, deep down I know he thinks its funny, too!
28. He understands that I thrive in social settings and doesn't get too annoyed when I have happy hours and such after work (with friends or with co-workers).
29. He loves his job and takes pride in his work.
30. He is a handyman.
31. He is a handyman for anyone - me, my sis, my parents, his parents...anyone.
32. He doesn't get annoyed when I sign him up for something that he doesn't really want to do.
33. He understands and doesn't complain when I get burnt out on SEC football and don't want to make the trek to Athens every weekend in the fall.
34. He loves Jesus Christ.
35. He is open to most ideas.
36. He can intelligently engage in conversations.
37. He has a plethora of knowledge about random stuff.
38. He loves National Geographic - and claims to have read tons of old versions at his Grandmother's house.
39. He loves his grandmother as much as I loved mine...and we both still grieve for them, 15 years after they've gone.
40. He loves the beach.
41. He is very sentimental.
42. He is very creative with gift giving (scavenger hunts, etc.).
43. He is very creative with just about everything!
44. He takes care of the cars - oil changes, etc.
45. He is not a screamer - and I am - which would make for way worse arguments!
46. He likes to sleep in with me!
47. He puts away his own laundry.
48. He is easy going and laid back.
49. He can enjoy a day where we do absolutely nothing.
50. He goes to IF doctor appointments with me.
51. He doesn't complain about having to "give samples" for IF treatments.
52. He feels the same heartache as me - month after month.
53. He will be an INCREDIBLE father.
54. He isn't one of those guys that is all "If we have a girl, I will just die. I want a son to play sports with."
55. He plays princess and funny things that our niece thinks up.
56. He loved his truck, but realized it was time to sell it.
57. He is sentimental enough, that, had we could have afforded to and had a place to store it, he would have kept that truck his entire life.
58. He included our families about how/when/where he was going to propose.
59. He asked my parents permission before he proposed.
60. He planned our honeymoon and kept it a secret.
61. He accidentally told me where we were headed for above mentioned honeymoon the week of our wedding.
62. He always give presents when he buys them because he gets too excited to keep the secret.
63. He gets creative with how to pay for presents because I am in charge of the budget and will see the charge on the AMEX.
64. He will IM me from the bed and say funny things (he works at night, I typically work at home in the kitchen). He'll be 20 feet away from me when he does it.
65. He'll text message me when we are sitting together and say something funny.
66. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know.
67. He likes to drive my sister crazy when we are together by making me laugh at things we can't really explain or aren't really funny to anyone else. She swears we have secrets and are talking about her.
68. He enjoys hanging out with our siblings and their spouses.
69. He doesn't complain that I get to go to the beach more than him - because I have more vacation days.
70. He understands when I am a raging lunatic about IF - be it from the drugs or from severe grief.
71. He gave me my PIO shots and I think it hurt him worse than it did me.
72. He loves animals - ours or someone else's. He has a natural affinity with them
73. He loves me!

A Better Today

I met with 4 other fellow infertiles last night. It was very fun! Its nice to have an IRL support group with people who are also in the trenches of this battle. It's free therapy!!

Please pray for my friend who is having her transfer (5 day!! You go girl!) today - this is her first IVF cycle - and, as we all know - it is sooooo overwhelming!

After my post yesterday, however gratifying it made me feel to say those things, it just annoyed me that I am that angry girl now. So, starting today (even though I couldn't face going into the office), I am going to try harder to be myself again.

I am really nervous/anxious about going to see Dr. K on Friday. This is our post IVF appointment with him, and at my last clinic, my post IVF was a bombardment of "your only hope is donor egg...talk to you sister, see if she would be willing to give you some eggs" heartbreak. I'm nervous he will pull the same stunt, and I just don't think there is any way to prepare my fragile heart for it if he does. On the flip side, I'm not sure if this ol' girl can take another negative beta after IVF.

So, instead of masking all of this pure terror with a really pissed off face, I'm just gonna face it the best I can. So, if I cry everyday, is that really a new thing for me? Not really. At least I can let go of the bitterness.

We will have a baby...come hell or high water...we will be parents.