Molly's Journey into the World...

I have been meaning to write this post for days, but my days keep getting away from me. I never understood what housewives did all day, but, I actually stay pretty busy!!! Yesterday, my Mom came for the day and I ventured out to Target and left my sweet girl at home with her Nanna. It was really odd...I got my Starbucks and strolled around the store. I did miss her, but, it was nice to get out. I was super tired when I got home...the ol' c-section is still not healed. Motherhood is more than I ever dreamed of...

So, on to Molly's story...bullet points might be easiest...

• Wednesday, February 3rd - I woke up at 5AM and felt weird. I called Archie at 11:30 and told them what was going on...faint, but regular contractions every 5 minutes. They told us to come on in. I called R at work...he panicked and hurried home. I drove us to Archie's and he worked on breathing :). When we arrived, my blood pressure was high - 140/90 - and I was indeed having contractions. We monitored and then Archie sent me on to my orthopedic appointment for my carpal tunnel. After 2 quite painful cortisone shots, we went back to Archie and he decided to send us on over to the hospital. Not surprisingly, my blood pressure went back to normal once we were checked in and I was in all my glory in the hospital gown. We went home after 2 hours.


• Thursday, February 4th - I went with R to the drug store to pick up my RX for my hemi's...oh,w hat wonderful things those are...I took my BP on the machine there...it was like 152/95. I called Archie...went straight to the hospital again, was put on strict bed rest and stayed until Saturday, the 6th.


• I came home to a freshly painted and VERY SMELLY home. NOT A GOOD IDEA to have your house painted on the inside when you are pregnant...not sure what we were thinking.


• Super Bowl Sunday - February 7th - we went to my sister's to spend the night. I laid on the couch and battled a headache...went to Publix and took my insanely high BP. The Dr on call yelled at me for sitting up for 30 minutes. Oops...


• Monday, February 8th - went in for my weekly appointment. Still high BP, no dilation. We discussed inducing that day or waiting until the next Monday. We decided it was better for the baby to try to keep her in another week. Head home to strict bed rest.


• Thursday, February 11th - Mom came up to take me in for my 1:30 appointment. Lost 4 pounds since Monday - RANDOM! No dilation...no action...but...high BP and now protein in my urine. Archie told me to check in the hospital at 5PM and we'd start cervidil and induce on Friday morning. WOW. R panics - haha - leaves work and meets us at my sister's house. I take a bath at my sister's...since there is no telling when my next shower will be! Daddy meets us at my sister's, too...my mother in law almost passes out when I call her...I forget - who is about to have a baby??? R and I leave sister's and get to the hospital right on time. We get hooked up - can we say HUGE IV??? We try to settle in...being at the good ol' hospital at this point is routine...so, I order up some dinner and R goes to Barnes and Noble and gets himself and me a book. We're a little overwhelmed with knowing we are having a baby the next day...sort of quiet between phone calls. Oh, and then the cervidil (spelling?). Seriously...I've been through a lot of crap the past 3 years...and NOTHING compares to this. The first nurse didn't get it in right and it half way fell out when I peed. So, nurse #2 has her turn...I had to request some ice for the ol' vag. Dude...give me a progesterone shot in the butt any day. I got my ambien at like 8:30 and still had a very restless night.


• Awake at 4:40 AM...I waited and they came in at 6:30, started Pitocin and at 7AM when the Dr checked me my water broke. Looking like we'll have us a baby...just waiting on her now. And wait we did. at 3:30PM I was a little uncomfortable so they gave me my epidural. Not bad! I was pretty nervous about it...and it really wasn't bad! My BP went really low, though, so they gave me something in my IV to help and some zofran for the nausea. Life is lookin' good...lookin' like we'll have us a baby. Dr comes in to check me...STILL less than 2 cm dilated. We'll wait some more. She breaks the last little pocket of water and we hope that will speed things along. 7:30PM...still less than 2CM dilated. DUDE...come on little girl. At this point, I've been awake for 15 hours...and I've never quite gotten over my anxiety of labor and delivery. I asked the nurse when the Dr will come back and she said around midnight...please open the flood gates because here come the tears!!! Needless to say, the Dr came back in at 8PM. We discuss the options of waiting another few hours or waiting the whole night or having a c-section. Either way, this baby needs to get out by 7AM Saturday morning. My Mom must have instinctively knew something was going on because she came in as the Dr was leaving to give us a few minutes to discuss. Mom was a voice of reason in a very scary time for us...we had no idea and just wanted the baby to be safe and healthy. Mom was like - "Just have the c-section - no big deal. Get that baby out and let's see her face. Yall will both be fine." So, tearfully, we try to get our act together...I had made shirts for the grandparent's that said "Molly's Nanna", "Molly's Pop", etc. I wanted them to all come in the room and R give them to the grandparents. Little did we know, that once we told the Dr we would do the c-section, it would be all hands on deck. My sweet nurse, Connie, told us -"You've got 2 minutes". OMG. I'm the youngest and a Daddy's girl at heart...and I needed to see him. This other lady was coming in to shave me. Um...not appropriate for Daddy to see. It ended up that no one came into the room and R just gave them their shirts in the hall. I saw Daddy as they wheeled me to the OR - and we both sobbed. We had told Dr. M (Archie wasn't on call that night, but Dr. M was AWESOME!!!) at 8:30 we wanted to do the C and at 8:42 I was in the OR. Yes - it was FAST. There were like a hundred people in the OR. I remember the anesthesiologist introducing himself and the nurse anesthetist and they were making sure I was numb enough. The betadine went on my stomach...Dr. M tested to make sure I was numb enough (I wasn't) and I kept asking for R. He said when he was allowed in that they had already started the procedure. I remember asking Dr. M if R could cut the cord - he couldn't because he wasn't sterilized - and them telling me to take a deep breath because there would be some pressure. Yep...there was pressure. And suction. And more pressure. Molly did NOT want to come out. But then, she was out. And my life changed forever. I cried and told them to let me hear her cry and I heard her and Dr. M told me she was perfect. They took her to the side to clean her up and I could see her...R told me that she was wonderful. At some point, R and I talked to the anesthesiologist and nurse anesthetist bout the movie "The Hangover" - so appropriate. It had to be before Molly arrived. I was too emotional once she got here. R went with her to the nursery and met me in recovery. I remember feeling like I was going to faint or vomit and asking politely for zofran - they giggled and said it was funny that I knew what to ask for...but that they'd give me finergan (sp?) and that it was better. Once I was in recovery I was very shaky and Connie gave me demerol. Needless to say, things start getting a little hazy. R brought Molly in and Mommy came in first to see us. R held her and showed her to me. He was so sweet. He has NEVER held a newborn before. Never. He didn't hold my niece until she was 6 weeks old. I held her for a minute - I was too shaky and nervous that I'd drop her. Mom held her, too. I cried and there were lots of pictures. Everyone took their turn coming in - Mom, Dad, R's parents and my sister. R kept holding the rail of my bed and I remember telling him "If you touch my bed again, I will kill you". NICE, Tara. But, in my defense, it really hurt. They wheeled me down the hall and I thought I might die when they hit bumps and, yes, when they ran my bed into the wall. O...M...G. Pain. I got to push the button that plays the lullaby announcing that a baby was born. R pushed Molly down the hall in her bassinet and I am pretty certain he set off the alarm when he went by the elevators. Only us :) We got to our room and I remember the clock saying 2:45AM when the nurses finally left us alone. You may think we are terrible, but we sent her to the nursery that night.


• Saturday, February 13th - the nurse came in at 5AM - yes, AM, and told me I had to walk to the bathroom. I tried to be polite, but told her she was out of her mind. I took 2 - 2 inch steps and got back in bed. They took out my catheter and I told them I'd likely just pee in the bed before getting up. Yes, I'm a super nice patient :). R changed his first diaper that morning and I directed from the bed and took pictures :). I couldn't believe she was here...and had to keep pinching myself. At noon, I finally got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. I felt light years better than I had at 5AM...(but keep in mind I still had my epidural and this awesome button I could push for pain every 10 minutes). That button was FAB!


• Sunday, February 14th - people who tell you that the 3rd day after surgery is the worst are RIGHT. BELIEVE THEM. It was a long day and I was grumpy and tired. Molly's jaundice tests came back high and we had some moments of new parent total anxiety about it. R went home that night and Mom stayed with me. I think that was a really wise choice - R was exhausted and let's face it, Mom's are a little more nurturing than the ol' spouses!


• Monday, February 15th - they told me I could go home if I wanted. Did I want? HELL YES. We left at 3PM and had an uneventful ride home and arrived to an empty house just us and the dogs. (Assvice - do this if you can. It was WONDERFUL to just be the 3 of us).


• And, as they say, the rest is history. Molly has forever changed my life...she is wonderful and fills my heart with a love I've never known. I cannot remember life before her and cannot imagine life without her. For all of the hell we went through to get to her...I'd do it a hundred times over if I knew it would lead me to her.

Welcome to the world, my little girl!

Baby A Arrives!!!

Molly arrived via c-section Friday, February 12, 2010 at 9:15:46PM weighing in at 8lbs 3.6oz and 20.5 inches long.

I have lots of blogging to do - but am too tired to get everything down tonight. I promise to post her entire birth story soon!

Tonight, I wanted to share this picture. She made the journey worth it....

OH MY GAH...(Think Janice from Friends)...

I cannot believe Baby A will be here so soon. My blood pressure has gone all wonky, and after 2 separate stays at the hospital last week, they will induce Monday the 15th if she doesn't come on her own before then. WOW. 30 months of trying to conceive and 9 months of pregnancy...and what? We are actually going to have a baby??? WOW. I can hardly believe it. Currently, I am on bed rest at home and go back to the DR on Thursday. To date, we've had no action in the cervix department...so, I'm hoping this little girl will beat it open at least a little before we induce. I've had pretty bad carpal tunnel since week 34, but had cortisone shots last week that are proving to help. My right hand still has some tingling, but the left is pretty much back to normal (knock on wood!!!).

While I am not the best patient, I am trying to be cognizant of my attitude and requests...since I don't want anyone coming to stay with us, it's just R and me and I know that it's a lot on him. He went back to work today and was a wonderful Mr. Mom when he got home. I did alright on my own today, but worked more than I should have and wore myself out. I am going to check in tomorrow and then I'm cutting that cord until Baby A arrives! I'd like to go get a pedicure, but I'm not sure that would be smiled upon my R or my doctors. We'll see....

Being this close to the end has made me really nostalgic. I am so glad that my baby already has so many people who love her...and she has 4 grandparents that are over the moon to meet her. I really miss my grandparents right now, but I know they will be smiling down upon us and will know her as intimately as we do.

I wish I had the energy (or breath...as I am currently winded typing...) to be really eloquent about how I am feeling...maybe tomorrow. But...this much I know...all of the agony we've been through...and any anxiety I have about labor and delivery...will be so worth it when we meet our little slice of heaven.

13 Chromosomes does not a father make....

I'm impressing myself by posting twice in 24 hours. This is like pre-pregnancy blogging for me!!!

First, just a few updates on the home front...

• Just got back from the Dr today and everything is looking fine. Sweet little girl's heart rate is great and she was very active for the Dr.
• I've been having excessive itchiness...all over...head to toe...want to rip my skin off itchiness. He said this was pretty normal but did a blood test for Pupps just to be safe. I'm promising myself not to stress about it.
• I'm 33 weeks today, which means that in 2 weeks if I start contracting or anything they will not stop labor. WHAT? OMG...I have so much to do...better get motivated in the world of work so I can actually take maternity leave :)
• My back has been hurting so I've been visiting the chiropractor...I think the man is a genius...although, I could live without the questions on vaccinations, etc. But, hey, everyone has their own opinion, right?
• Baby girl's nursery is about complete - we need to get a couple of shelves to hang on the walls and the tub/toilet room of the bathroom still needs painting...but, for the most part, we're good to go :)
• OMG - could we really have this baby in 2 weeks? hahahahaha....It's crazy that this is finally, really happening!!!!

So, for the subject of the title to this post...

My "little" cousin, A, got married this past weekend. She's 4 years younger than me and we were very close growing up. The years have put distance between us, but, when we're together, it's like we have never missed a beat. She's sort of like a little sister to me...and I'm pretty protective of her. She was a beautiful bride and I cried like a fool when she walked down the isle. Weddings can be so emotional (even when you aren't pregnant!). It was a wonderful celebration of love and I truly believe she has married a man that will make her happy.

She is a product of her mom's first, very short lived, marriage. Her mom babysat me when A was a new born and I can remember her laying in the center of a king sized bed napping and she was soooo tiny! I loved being with her. When the marriage ended, my grandmother babysat A and her mom went back to work. She met a WONDERFUL man and married him...I have no idea of the time line...I was 4 when A was born :). Anyhow, the man her mom married has long since legally adopted her and has been her Father. He has been the man who was there when she broke her ankle at the neighbors, who taught her how to play basketball (which I never got since she's like 5ft2...), taught her how to drive and bought her a car, sent her off on her first date, consoled her first heartbreak, put her through college...and gave her away at her wedding. HE is her FATHER, her DAD.

A did invite her biological father to the wedding after severe pressure she received. She does not keep in touch with him, but does vaguely keep in touch with his mother. So, at the wedding, people kept saying - well, that's her real dad...

I don't know. It just bothered me. How insulting to her and to her Father. The man who is biologically her father was, in my mind, basically a sperm donor. That's all he ever gave her. 13 chromosomes. That's it. Her REAL Dad gave her life experiences, love, compassion, education, a relationship. That's what makes him her parent. The man who gave her life is not her parent and doesn't deserve to ever be called her "real dad". I was so insulted for her and her Dad when I heard people say that at the wedding.

Just because someone gave you life, does not make them your parent.

This post is not as eloquent as it sounded in my head...I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Looking forward and behind...

I hadn't been inspired to write a New Year's post until today. 2009 was a long year that, thankfully, ended very well for us. Murgdan inspired me tonight and I'm just going to copy her basic format....We are so very thankful that 2010 is the Year of the Baby for us, as well. While 2009 was quite a bumpy ride, I can reflect with an understanding mind and a thankful heart.

January we began with our new RE - Dr. K and I was certain he was our knight in shining armor that would save us from the depths of our infertility hell. This post pretty well sums up my mindset for the beginning of the year. I was (still am...) so angry at my last RE and really excited about the new clinic. Hope hadn't quite yet set in, but I was anxious to move forward with Dr. K and IVF #3.

February began with hope and ended in sorrow. The posts from that month bring back such raw emtotion that I still cry when I read through.

March began my decline in posts and was filled with mixed days of sadness, anger and some glimpses of happiness.

In April, we had our WTF appointment with Dr. K, decided to go all in on one last cycle and I realized my pathway was broken...the signs were unclear...but I knew there was a reason He had brought me there.

May brought on our last IVF attempt, a new hobbie for me (sewing) and the Month of Mothers...

June 2009 was quite possibly the best month of our life, as we had a BFP at 10dp5dt just one day before our 5 year wedding anniversary. I became boring, pregnant blogger.

July through December I was basically the world's worst blogger and mostly just posted updates about how wonderful the world is and how some days Infertility is still a total bitch.

All in all, 2009 was a wonderful year. My Dad is recovering from his broken foot, has beaten prostate cancer, his surgery in February found only a benign tumor, my sister and I are both expecting. Who could ask for more, right? I still have days where I can't believe that in 7 weeks we'll have a little girl of our very own!

To all of my blogger friends, thank you for your comments, support and real life friendships. You have made my life more bearable on unbearable days and have added to the happiness we've been blessed to have bestowed upon us. May 2010 bring us all health, happiness and dreams that come true.

Here's to an even better 2010.

Revisiting my old self

Oft I have felt that since my beta finally rose and doubled and has produced a 28 week gestation to date, that I have not had anything thoughtful or even well thought out to say/write. Pregnancy brain is a real phenomenon...and my old brain is no longer recognizable.

I promised I would never complain with pregnancy symptoms and have had to eat my words on many occasions. I don't think I'm really complaining, but R has said that when I think I am "stating" that my back hurts...that it sounds more like a whine or...gasp...complaint. I recently "stated" to my mom that this whole pregnancy thing is somewhat comparable to all of the waiting we suffered through trying to get pregnant. I don't mean it like that...it's much more bearable waiting. It's a nicer wait...I know, with reasonable assurance, that this time next year my little butterbean will be laughing and crawling and melting my heart every chance she gets. This wait is by far, the best wait of my life. BUT....(there's always a but, ya know!), it's like being 5 and waiting on Christmas. It's a slow 40 weeks. I'm ready to see that sweet face...to see if she has R's perfect feet and his more tan complexion, compared to my very rosy complexion. I wonder if she'll have curly hair, brown or blonde, what color her eyes will be, what her fingernails will look like. I can't stand it I want to meet her so badly!

While I am so very impatiently waiting on this perfect little being to enter our life, my good friend is waiting, seemingly more patiently than me, on her first beta after her first IVF. I tried to convince her to make them see her today...but she goes in tomorrow morning. For the most part, I've been successful in blocking out the most miserable of the 2 week waits, but her wait has felt more like my own than I imagined possible. I pray for her and for this to be the only IVF cycle she ever suffers through.

I was searching through some old emails today and stumbled across an email from my first IVF of 2009. I wrote:

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, w e are devastated and praying for a miracle.

Thank you all so much for you love and friendship.

It makes me cry reading it now. It amazes me how far we've traveled in 3 and a half years. Notice I don't say "how far we've come" - it doesn't seem like we actually went anywhere, but took a huge detour that did finally take us to the next step of our lives that we'd been seeking. Instead of going directly straight to that next step, I feel our path was more of a U shaped street that we somehow got lost on and finally made it back to the original road we intended to be on the whole time...only about 1 footstep ahead of where we were detoured to begin with.

While my pregnancy brain typically only allows me to think in bullet points or facebook statuses, this email provoked the old me that I thought I'd been missing. Sorry friends, I'll take bullet points any day over the agony of the journey that led me to these status update thoughts.

My heart will always know the agony of IF...and I know I will have days that take me back to the nightmare that was our life for 3 years for the rest of my life. Today, I'll relish the fact that we did finally make it that one step that took 30 months.

This is the first time, since discovering our wait had a due date, that I've felt like my blog was still viable. I've really struggled with not having much to say and feeling that what I did have to say was no longer relevant. I welcome these thoughtful days, but I'm really looking forward to staying in my bullet point/facebook status brain for the next several months.

Insert Post Title Here...

It's Friday and I'm so glad!!! It's been a long week - busy, busy. Tomorrow I have my first shower...and I'm soooo excited!!! R and I finished painting stripes in Butterbean's room last night (below the chair rail that is yet to be put up :)). It looks super cute. We did pink on pink...just a super glossy on top of regular paint. I'm really excited about it.

I met Murgdan and Amy for dinner this week with a girl friend who isn't a blogger. She started her first IVF cycle this week...and I'm so excited for her. It's so weird...you do all this to get pregnant, and then, once you are - it's a LOT of waiting. Don't get me wrong...I'd much rather wait with a baby in utero than still be trying to get pregnant...but, it's hard to make the transition from daily/weekly (feeling like hourly) doctor appointments, shots, protocols, etc. to waiting 4 weeks in between appointments and having nothing really to do during that time. The time seems to be passing us by more quickly with each week of this pregnancy and it seems like I was just at the OB and we go again next week. Anyway, I was soooo thrilled that my friend could finally get on the roller coaster that is IVF. She's had several set backs with endometriosis and has been patiently just waiting for almost 6 months. I really hope she's a one hit wonder.

Bottoms Off had a post this week called the Colors of Infertility. It really resonated with me and I've been thinking about it for a few days. She says,"So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"" That statement really took me back to some of our darkest days. The negative pregnancy test white is one of the most difficult images I've had to process time and time again.

Our struggles with IF consumed 30 months of our life...and now, at 25 weeks gestation, it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. Some days, I feel like taking a pregnancy test again just to see that 2nd line. The positive pregnancy test pink lines, if a paint color, would be called 'most perfect pink' in my world.

I'm so overjoyed that the IF chapter of my life seems to be behind me, but I have already been planning what we will do for child #2. How far will I take it? Can I survive IVF with a child at home? Do I *want* to survive IVF again with a child at home? It seems this infertile can only look forward so far...because I even said the other night...maybe 1 child will be enough. Maybe I want to spare myself the heartache of negative pregnancy test white for the rest of my life.

Here is to hoping all of my IF sisters get a 'most perfect pink' sighting in the near future.

How am I?

I am copying the idea of this post from my good friend, Murgdan!

My girlfriend called me the other day and said, "Um...you need to either email me pictures of your growing tummy or update your blog. I have a lot of prayer investment in this baby!" It was so sweet!!! We are so truly blessed to have so many people who care about us and who have been praying and cheering us on through this difficult chapter in our lives.

So, no belly shots for your viewing pleasure...I just feel weird doing those! So, you ask - How am I? I'm good :) I'm 24 weeks today...that means 16 weeks to go! WOW! Saying 16 weeks to go seems like such a short time. That's less than 4 months. I must admit, I'm not positive I have really let this sink in.

R and my Mom have felt her kick - and of course, I feel her moving around all the time. It's a bizarre, wonderful feeling. It was really validating for my Mom and R to feel her - it made me feel like "Ok, I'm not making this up. Those aren't gas bubbles rolling around...that's really my kid...".


Yes, still crazy as ever here in my corner of the earth!!


I have my first shower this weekend! So exciting. It's kind of early, but with the holidays and all, I guess they just wanted to have it early. I have my outfit picked out and hair is freshly highlighted. I'm good to go.


I've only gained about 5 pounds through these 24 weeks...which I would think was odd, but I'd gained about 10 pounds leading up to this, so, I think I'm good. My tummy isn't huge, but it's starting to poke. I definitely only wear maternity clothes - my normal clothes wouldn't dare try to button over this belly. I'm pretty obsessed with looking at it, touching it, feeling her move.


We've been working on the nursery...it's pink, of course. (If you know me in real life, this color choice is clearly a no-brainer!). R is going to hang chair rail and is striping with glaze underneath the chair rail. Who knew measuring and taping off stripes would be such a lesson in patience??? We have an armoire and a changing table - we're doing black furniture. I still need to order the crib - that's on the list for next week.


Life is pretty good :) We're just waiting on this little girl and doing the best we can to make sure we've prepared properly by the time she arrives!

Half of this marathon is complete! And lost friends found.

I can't even believe it! 20 weeks down...20 to go. I still get a little crazy with worry, but not as bad as I have been. I'm beginning to believe this baby is real. Mom was able to scan the U/S picture she has and she sent it to me today. In the U/S, Butterbean is waving her hand - it's like a hand print. I cried. That little hand represents so many hopes and dreams, tears and struggles. I can't wait to meet her! She sent it to me as a PDF, so the attachment won't upload.

I must admit, I'm a little bit of a facebook stalker. I like that I can keep up with people and not really have to putout any effort. LAZY...LOSER. I know. You can spare me my feelings though with the name calling :). So, today, on facestalker...er...facebook, I found my teacher from the 4th grade. It was her first year teaching and it was my first year at a new school. We had one of those "favorite student" relationships that other people hate (and, one day I'll be annoyed if someone is the favorite in my child's class...unless it's her :)). I totally adored her. I was convinced that she needed to marry my uncle so that she would always be a part of my life.

Although we lost touch, I always kept her in my heart. I heard she married and divorced -no idea if that is true - and that she moved back to Florida. I know now that she is married with 2 little girls and lives in Florida. I don't know...maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe I just really loved her that much, but, it made me cry to find her. I hope the years have treated her well and that she is happy...and I hope that she remembers me as fondly as I remember her.

100th post & Blogoversary

WOW! I can't believe I missed my blogoversary!!! And, I'm at 100? Craziness. Never did I think the past year would have unfolded the way it did or that on both my 100th post and my blogoversary that I'd be 18 weeks pregnant with a healthy little girl.

I had always planned to do a 100 things list for this post...but, what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men??? I am just not in the creative mind set for listing 100 things about any topic!!! It's raining here in Atlanta, been raining for a week...flooding all over the state, schools cancelled, people totally freaking out, traffic jams, and the like. I know it's serious business, and I pray for those who have lost a loved one in this catastrophe...but, this girl is in DESPERATE need of some sunshine.

Friday's appointment went wonderful. I saw the DR at my OB that had told me a few years ago that I was young and healthy and that I've hated ever since...and he was, well, very nice. I've changed my opinion on him and if he is who delivers my butterbean, then, I know we'll be just fine. We heard the heartbeat (right away - no looking for this girl's heart!!) and I'll get the flu shot at my next appointment. I still haven't gained any weight and he said that my weight was perfect...so, I'm not worried about it. Then, my Mom met us and we went over to the perinatologist. Confirmed - we are having a GIRL...and...I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I'm so glad I didn't read all about it and get totally stressed out. I'm not being sarcastic...I really didn't read very much at all about it. I just let it go. The whole business of getting pregnant wasn't easy, and I certainly don't expect this pregnancy to be without drama...so, I really had just let it go. She will see me one more time and then release me from her care. I really didn't mind going to her - since we got an ultrasound each time and could make sure our kid wasn't doing anything crazy in there, but, I'm fine either way. We got some really good looks at little Miss - 10 fingers, 10 toes, her little hiney...she was moving like crazy...I wonder if that's an indication that we are gonna have one hyper kid?? It was nice and Mom enjoyed getting a glimpse at her Grand-daughter.

Next appointment is October 16th...and I'm trying not to go insane before then!!! My belly is starting to poke out there, so, I think once I get past this "puberty" stage of pregnancy (just looking kinda fat) and actually look pregnant and can for sure feel her (right now, I can sometimes feel her...other times I'm not sure if it's her or just things adjusting down there) I'll calm down. I do feel better after Friday...her heartbeat was really strong and she's measuring perfectly. The DR even said - this is one healthy baby. So, for now, I'm good...but give me a couple weeks and I'll probably start wigging out again :)

Random post for my 100th and blogoversary, but, you can probably tell, I'm just not in the mood this week. I don't think weather has ever affected me this way!!!

I'm still here...

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been pretty calm around here...2 sick dogs that are driving me nuts...but, we're good. They just have upset stomachs...so, hopefully, they'll be fine in another day or 2.

We have our next appointment a week from Friday...4 weeks in between appointments is HELL!! Now I know why people buy dopplers...I seriously considered it the other day.

I have what feels like never-ending nerve attacks...just worrying about if something could be wrong. Mom says I'm just being like Daddy and creating stuff to worry about. I just get scared that something might happen. I guess this is what the rest of my life will be like! Worrying about her! I better tell Archie to have the zol.of.t on an IV drip as soon as I have her - hahah. Kidding. Well...mostly....

We went ahead and registered because I have a shower on November 7th. That was so fun...but way overwhelming! Man, baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!! But, only the best for Butterbean, right? Yeah...

Hopefully, they were right about her being a girl...since pretty much everything we picked out is pink. R was so funny - he said- I don't want anyone to mistake her for a boy...because I'll have to kick their ass. LOVE IT! He's going to be so sweet with a baby. If she turns out to be a he...well, then, we'll just adjust and go back to the naming battlegrounds...which, by the way, we are almost out of...maybe. We are duke-ing it out over middle names at the moment, but hopefully, unless I change my mind again, we've settled on a first name. I'm not going to monogram anything just yet :) I think it'd be easier if their name was just tattooed on their foot or something...can't God send these miracles with a pre-filled out birth certificate like at Baby Land General????

Random post...it's just where I'm at today. Nervous/anxious to hear her heartbeat again...pretty much all consumed with fear that I won't hear it. Maybe I should go get one of those dopplers tonight....

I think I feel her moving...

Yesterday morning, I was barely awake and felt this knock, knock, knock right below my belly button. And, I thought...is that gas? But then I felt it again. And then 2 more times after that.

Ol' girl was just saying good morning to her momma!!

So exciting!

I've got that bitch on a short leash, but somedays she still bites...

Ever have one of those days? Ugh...I am having one today. I'll probably cry myself to sleep and feel better tomorrow. I am hoping I can just "blog it out" and fore go the crying...puffy eyes aren't so hot.

I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...

We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.

Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.

March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.

Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.

I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???

IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.

Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.

Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.

But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**

*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.

**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.

For this child, we have prayed

And we will keep praying. We got a curve ball on Friday. We should be used to this, yes? Afterall, we've survived 3 years of infertility poking and prodding and seem to be stronger and better for it. When I say we, I mean R and me.

So, appointment with the Perinatal Consultant on Friday. Apparently, I have a bicornuate uterus? WHAT? 30 months of endless dildo cam's shoved up my nether regions...no one ever noticed? An HSG and a sonohystogram...no mention of it. So, we're high risk and will see another Dr. every 4 weeks along with Archie. My cervix is fine and Butterbean is measuring perfectly. I've read some information via Dr. Google, but have decided to nip that in the bud...after all, I'm not taking my Zo.LoFt and I just can't take it. I'm going to trust the good Lord and my wonderful Docs and we'll get this baby here safe and healthy if it's the last thing I do!!!

My mother in law once told me - "Tara, God got you this far...he'll get you through it." I think those are pretty wonderful words. I also love my good friend, Amy (who is in her 2ww on IVF #1 if you can give her some encouragement...), for ingraining this bible verse into my life, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11.

I am thankful for the extra care we will receive through the next 26(+ or -) weeks and the extra looks we will get at Butterbean.

I am trying to stay positive about this whole uterus thing. Please feel free to smack me if/when I get self-absorbed with my little pity party. I couldn't help but feel even more inadequate with this news than IF has made me feel over the past years. Oh, and good ol' Dr. Google telling me I had a birth defect didn't help! I am, however, very grateful for this inadequate body and have to trust that it will survive this pregnancy and give us that healthy baby we have been praying for!

The good news from Friday and the best part of this post!!! We were able to get a peek at that hiney....and, we are having a little girl! We are thrilled to know and have made some decisions already on furniture for the nursery and furniture placement. (This is a big deal for us...we spent 3 years picking furniture for our master bedroom!). Now, we must start saving for the important things...like Feldman Brothers dresses and weddings - HAHAHA!!!

Maybe a post for another blog...but for now, I'm posting here!

Just about every night I've been thinking about writing this post. And, I've been thinking about maybe a blog for our family...maybe a blog that I will one day show the Butterbean. I think his/her eyes and ears should be spared the Divine Secrets until they are well into adulthood. Not the fact that I am infertile, I just want to spare them the heartache, anger, depression, and ultimately, joy that I've documented in these theoretical pages of my diary for the whole world to read. I've been thinking maybe this new blog will be titled "You, me and Butterbean make 3." Cheesey, but, I think I might call this child Butterbean at his/her wedding....

So, I want to document what all has happened these past 13 weeks and 3 days...and I need to do it before I forget the sweet details and it all goes to pot.

June 11th - morning - At home pregnancy test. Your Daddy was in the bathroom and I busted in - breathless - "DUDE! There are 2 lines!!! Can you see them???" "Uh..yeah - what does that mean?" (In my head...seriously, buddy? 30 months of infertility battles and you don't know how to read a pregnancy test???) "It means IT WORKED!!!" I immediately sent my Mom (Nanna) an instant message, Aunt Mandie called me about 30 seconds later screaming.

June 11th - nighttime - another at home pregnancy test - still positive and darker lines!!! I called to report to Mom and Mandie.

June 12th - our 5 year wedding anniversary and another positive pregnancy test!! We left for Hilton Head to spend the weekend with Daddy's parents and Uncle Jeff and Aunt Kelly.

June 13th - Your grandfather (nickname TBD...) opens his fathers day gift that says "Happy Father's and Grandfather's day" while we were at breakfast at Skillet's. He looked at us and said "Is this for real??" He shows the card to your Grandmother and she screamed and started crying. At this point...I think we got a little attention and the waitress came over to give her congratulations.

June 15th - I had my first morning sickness/pregnancy symptom when Daddy made crab legs for me...I may never eat seafood again, but, Baby, you are worth it!!!

June 16th - my first Beta with my Doctor-it was through the roof!!

June 18th - second beta -still super high - all wonderful news!!!

Date to be inserted - our first ultrasound - and we saw a STRONG beating heart!!!

Date TBI - 2nd ultrasound - Aunt Mandie and I HEARD your heartbeat!! Daddy was at work :(

Date TBI - 3rd u/s - Daddy got to hear your heartbeat and recorded it so we could listen to it later!!

July 3rd - I got really sick after dinner. We were at the lake with your Grandparents.

July 21st - I got sick again. For some reason, I feel sick, but never get sick until nighttime. It's OK, though, Butterbean...Momma always feels better.

Date TBI- 4th u/s - with our OB - Dr. Roberts -and we heard your heartbeat, 182 beats per minute. You are growing strong and we are so happy.

August 9th - I woke up HUNGRY! All signs of morning sickness seem to be gone at 11 weeks and 6 days. Mommy is very thankful, Butterbean.

August 10th - 5th u/s - you are as perfect as ever!!! You moved around for us!!! It was super cool to see you turn over!!

August 21st - We have our NT scan and our 2nd official appointment with Dr. Roberts. We will get to see you AND hear your heart. And, we are also hoping you will show us that hiney-mo so we can start getting your pink or blue things! We love you so much!

Other important items to note -

Nanna, Pop and Aunt Mandie were the first to give us a gift for you. They gave us 3 outfits that I know you will love to wear. Jessy gave you your 2nd present -some more outfits and a "lovie" that is so soft I really would like to sleep with it. Aunt Joyce and Uncle Bill brought you a present to E's birthday party - a super soft white baby blanket. I know we will get good use out of that on those cold February and March nights when you and I are whispering secrets in the dark while the rest of God's wonderful world is sleeping! Daddy and I saw my good friend Anita and her husband Chuck on vacation. They are so wonderful and we always see them in St. Augustine, I know you will have fun with them, too! Anita and Chuck gave you your very first stuffed animal!! It is a giraffe that plays music. I love it! They also gave you 2 UGA onesie's. We are going to raise you right...Go Dawgs!!!

As of today, I (well, buddy - let's be honest - YOU and I) have gained 3 pounds. Not too bad!!! I am wearing all maternity clothes, as you seem to make my stomach too large to wear my normal clothes! Today, August 19th, was the first time someone approached me and asked if I was expecting. You are busting on out there, buddy!!!

Your cousin, E, is really in love with you already (although, she's really hoping you are a girl...but, she'll love you if you are a boy, too!!!). Today (8/19) at lunch she kissed my tummy to give you some love and wanted to make sure that "the baby likes tacos..." (because we were eating at Chipotle - she asks this where ever we are eating - "Tata - does that baby like pizza? Does that baby like chips? it goes on :)). She is really excited about you and can't wait for Valentine's Day to get here so you will be here. She is already thinking of something special she can make for Valentine's Day so she can give it to you as soon as you arrive!!! I know that you two are going to have a wonderful time together and I can just tell that you will be very close friends (well, you are family, after all!).

I'll think of more and I will make updates....I just wanted to get this out there. I don't want to forget any of these fleeting moments that will too soon be a faded memory.

Yes, I'm still here...

I've been a terrible blogger recently. This is partly due to the fact that I feel guilty for blogging in the infertile community while pregnant, I'm lazy as all freaking get out, and that I'm looking for the new normal of what our life is to become.

While I will always bear the scars of this infertility battle, and already think of the future cycles I will likely insist we endure (I've never imagined life with just one butterbean), I feel sort of like a fraud on my blog lately. Sort of like...um...what's a good analogy here? I don't know. I just feel sort of misfit...insisting a square peg will fit into a round hole, if you will. One thing I will never be - flippant about my pregnancy. I will never look at a pregnant stomach and be anything but envious of the ease at which some become that way. I'll never forget the months on months of heart ache and the damage it caused to several relationships...or how R and I actually grew so much closer during that heartache. I will always be infertile.

We made trip #2 to my OB/GYN today, Archie. He is so freaking awesome. While at the beach last week, I had some dis-colored dis-charge. I was totally thinking emergency room and the nightmares of what might ensue. I called Archie's office and they paged him. He called me back within 15 MINUTES!!! OMG!! I thought I would never get that kind of service at the regular DR's office! He was wonderful - told me it was totally normal, but to call and he'd see me when we got home if I was still worried. So, of course, we saw him today. We heard that beautiful heartbeat and saw that beautiful little butterbean again. He laughed and told me that he knew I just wanted another u/s. Everything is fine. I believe him now...and I'm going to relax. I've gotta put my trust in him and in HIM and believe that we are going to welcome Butterbean into this world and our family in February.

We have a 13 week scan a week from Friday. This will tell us our risks for chromosomal abnormalities, which Archie says will be low given our age, and another look at the Butterbean. Maybe we will even get to find out the gender.

Butterbean, which I keep calling a He just for lack of knowing, is measuring 6 cm today at exactly 12 weeks. He didn't tell us the heart-rate, but was able to pick it up on the Doppler right away. Also, we had the external ultrasound. WHAT? No vaginal ultrasounds? OMG!!

I'm starting to show a little. The 15 pounds I've gained over the last 3 years probably is a factor, as I haven't gained any since getting PG. (According to the DR, I have gained 2 lbs - but I haven't gone over my heaviest weight recorded, so, I call it even...). I have been wearing maternity pants because my regular pants won't zip or button. My boobs - HUGE. Its on the agenda this week to get new bras. Only 1 of mine fits now and those girls are BUSTIN out of it. It's all very surreal. And, I'm loving it.

I've been following all of you...and keeping you in my prayers. Sorry for the slacker I've been at commenting. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss for words. It seems so redundant to say - I've been there. So, I just sit at my laptop and cry with you and pray. So, I've been absent physically, but you haven't been off my mind.

This post is kind of all over the place. That's how my brain works these days. Hope you could follow it a little!

Long time...no post

I keep meaning to post, but my energy and motivation levels are at an all time low. I basically do nothing. Such a sloth....I hope it will get better in the weeks to come.

So, I came out at work this week. I didn't do a email based announcement - just let it slip - I liked it better that way. My office is kind of weird and so, I don't like being the center of attention here.

I had my last appointment with Dr. K last week and totally cried. He is so wonderful and I'm so scared to move on. What if I have a question after hours? I'm sure I'll be fine. First appointment with my regular OB (Archie) is on Friday. Hoping I can sleep tonight!!!

Ever since I found out that our miracle was finally on its way, I've found out about so many others that are due around the same time. I kept getting worried- you know how they say like 1 in 3 women will m.is.ca.r...I can't finish that word. Anyway, I've been so scared it would be me. Not that I wish that on anyone. I just don't know if I could take it at this point. Cha.r.ter Peach.ford bound, I would be.

I found out yesterday who the 1 in 3 is...and I am so sad for her. She's been on my heart and mind ever since I heard things weren't looking so hot last week. Her sister told me and then let me know yesterday...and I would love to reach out to her, but I wasn't supposed to know. Rock. Hard place. And...it's not like I've ever had a D&C, so I don't really know...but Lord knows I know the heartache of a perpetually empty uterus.

It probably makes me the worst kind of person...but I really was so thankful it wasn't me. I know...start throwing the mean words my way.

I just can't let this little butter bean go. I don't know what I'd do.

I cry at everything - songs about kids growing up...the one that really gets me...Alan Jackson - Remember When. "Remember when...the sound of little feet wasn't music..." AH! Tears now. I hope that sound will always be music to my ears and that I never take it for granted.

So, please pray for my friend. I know that so many of you know in excruciating detail the heartache she is experiencing.

And, please don't hate me about being glad it wasn't me....

Still kickin'

Each day that passes, I feel like we are crossing a hurdle. I stopped the PIO injections last week and started the progesterone suppositories. One word...YUCK! The shots are way easier :)

Anyway, they said I would probably spot...well, hearing that and seeing it are two VERY DIFFERENT things. Sunday morning I woke up spotting and totally wigged out.

I went in today and the little peanut is growing strong. We heard the heartbeat, I felt bad, R couldn't get home from work in time to go, so my sister went with me. Poor guy, he missed it. It was pretty surreal.

So, now we have 5 pictures of our little peanut and we go back next Wednesday. I think after that appointment, they send me on my way. WHAT??? That kinda freaks me out!

I haven't been posting much just for lack of anything really thought provoking to say. Not to worry - I am keeping up with you and praying.

No sick joke here!

We saw one healthy heartbeat today! It was amazing. It's so incredible that at 6 weeks you can see that heartbeat!!

It's a little surreal. I mean, I have symptoms...but, no outward visible sign of a pregnancy. My pants are too tight, but I haven't gained any weight.

I keep reminding myself that its real! Dr. K was so stinkin sweet.

Oh, and he said risk of m/c at this stage is less than 5%.

Holy smokes...I think this is really happening!!!

Sleepless at Six Weeks

For the first time in six weeks, I have been laying in bed for an hour without being able to fall asleep. It may be the pending ultrasound tomorrow and my anxiety surrounding that. Will I get there and they tell me this has all been a sick joke and nothing is growing in my uterus? That is a serious fear. Also, my blogging, or lack there of, is on my mind.

Since I began writing this blog almost a year ago, words have poured from my soul without cease. However, the past few weeks/months, I have been at a loss. It began back at Mel's with the contribution confusion and pain caused in those subsequent days. I've felt such a negative vibe from so many comments since then - a few on my own blog, and several around "town". This is my outlet, my "diary" for the whole wide world to read. Nope, I don't expect people to always agree with me...but...like my Granny said..."If you can't say something nice, Tara Ann, then don't say it at all." She's been gone over 15 years...and I can still hear those words crystal clear. The negativity has definitely taken its toll on me.

I have also been struggling with how to approach the subject of our recent "success" as I like to think of it. I've been on the receiving end of seemingly unending pregnancy announcements in the past 31 months, it almost makes me feel guilty to finally have one of my own. I've lost a dear friend because she was unable to be reasonable about my infertility and her fertility. No, that is not a one sided view point...she is also a friend who told me when I married before her that we no longer had anything in common. We made it through the wed/unwed years...but I don't think our friendship will survive my infertility. I also realize, while many of my fellow "friends" online are celebrating wonderful news this summer as well, many of my friends are not. Many are suffering through nightmares I cannot even imagine...and it breaks my heart to share my news with them. This has really been on my mind and on my heart. I so know how it feels to read a "BFP" post and instantly make a mental note to mark them on my list as those who have crossed over. While I realize we will never "crossover", this journey has permanently marked my life by struggles I never imagined or thought R and I could endure as a couple, I know some will view me as an "other" now. It saddens me to come to this realization, but it is one I have to reconcile with my heart. I will never believe my miracle is any better than anyone else's. While I may not have gotten tipsy with my spouse and indulged in a lot of fun, mine is no more a miracle than those who were that lucky. Mine may be here after years of struggle, pain, injections, endless doctor visits and thousands of dollars...mine is the same miracle women have experienced as long as this world has existed.

I know this post may be controversial...it may turn some of you away. I just really needed to unload my heart. This blog has been such a refuge and sense of strength through some of my very darkest days. I will not begin to sugarcoat my true feelings now. I have very real feelings for many of my blog friends...who, some, I will likely never lay eyes on in real life. I pray for these friends, cry with them and hopefully, can celebrate ALL of their successes - be it a BFP, living with infertility, adoption, donor egg or sperm, anything.

I hope others can relate. I am not sure if I'm alone here...

I feel better already. I knew I was carrying a burden on my heart...I just had no idea the weight of it.

Please be kind and think before you speak - not just with me, but with everyone here in the ALI community. We are all dealing with our own struggles and these blogs provide an outlet and should be a place for support...we don't need to be torn down anymore by life than the infertility we are already struggling with. (Note: I realize there is a difference in a healthy disagreement and down right negative speak. Healthy disagreements are like the name implies...healthy.)