Monday Monday

So, its a very dreary, rainy day here in Atlanta. I wish I could say my mood was better than the weather. These are the days I wish my blog was private and no one that I "knew" was reading. Oh, well. My IRL people will just have to listen and read my bitching.

I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.

Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?

We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.

I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.

My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.

Heaven help me.

Titles are a bitch

I couldn't think of a title to this post because, well, really, I don't have much to say.

We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.

I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.

I guess life goes on.

I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.

I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.

I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.

However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.

In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.

Ga HB 169

Dear Georgia Residents,

Today, the voices of the infertility community in Georgia came together as one voice in opposition to Senate Bill 169 - a bill that would regulate the practice of IVF in Georgia so greatly that it would be impossible to build your family using this medical procedure.The Senate Health and Human Services Committee heard testimony today and voted to send SB 169 to a special Subcommittee consisting of 4 Senators to review the complex issues surrounding this bill.

Click here for complete information on SB 169 and the next steps.RESOLVE wishes to thank the thousands of people that oppose this bill. Your voices were heard! Over 18,000 faxes and emails were sent to the Senate Committee, and many showed up today at the hearing. THANK YOU for taking the time to voice your opposition and to show your support of family building in Georgia.Our fight is not over.

We will monitor this Subcommittee and alert you when a vote is imminent from the full Committee. Stay connected with RESOLVE and this issue - Register to receive RESOLVE's Action Alerts. Get involved. Take Action. Know that by coming together we can make a difference! Thank you again.

Sincerely,
The Board of Directors, Staff, and Volunteers of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Monday Blues...on Tuesday

WARNING. SERIOUS CASE OF THE MONDAYS.

Ugh. I went back to the office today. I don't think I've been in since....um...I don't know. I didn't go in more than maybe 3 times in February. Each time I did come in, my chair was missing from my desk. Today, someone was sitting in my seat. And, I basically had to make him move (he wanted me to go sit somewhere else). I mean, seriously? All my shit is here. Move your new to the company ass somewhere else.

It pissed me off.

Everyone keeps asking me where I've been. At home, mother fuckers. Mind your own business. I am not pregnant, again, for the 26th time in a row. Do you want all of the gory details? My ass is still sore from shots that we done in vain. I have the worst cramps of my life. I am bleeding so bad that I feel like I might need a transfusion. Do you want me to cry and tell you all of these extremely personal details? Oh, really, you do? Because we aren't even friends. I've been at home, asshole - now shut your face and go about your business.

Ah well, that made me feel better.

I might go to a prayer group tomorrow with someone I met at my REs office. If the time is OK permitting work and everything. Maybe it will help. I'm definitely more upset about this that I originally thought. Probably, because I had my niece from Thursday until yesterday and she makes me happy and kepy my heart and mind occupied. Wonder what my sister would think if I just stole her? TOTALLY NOT BEING SERIOUS. I haven't gotten so desperate to kidnap....yet.

Its over

Beta dropped. Stop progesterone.

Cycle is over.

No baby.

Again.

Dear Embtyos - Its me again...

Its your Mother. And, I guess, I might end up being a nagging mother. After all, I just want you to survive so I can teach you how to be a wonderful person.

If you are in there - and I know you are - please really try hard to get healthy. Please burrow down deep in there and concentrate on your survival. I can't promise life will always be easy, but I can promise that I will always do my best for you.

So many people love you and are rooting for you. Please don't break your parent's hearts.

Love,
Mom

Limbo Land Part Duex

So, I've had a few minutes - wow - it's already been 3 hours - to calm down. While I realize that we could somehow make it through this and have a totally healthy baby, my doctor did not sound positive.

What gets on my nerves is that I have not had any "chemical pregnancy symptoms" this time like I did last March. No excessive tiredness, no excessive back pain, no excessive sore breasts for this early on.

I'm getting to the pissed off stage of this grief. I want to just have Faith and believe that He will fulfill our dreams of becoming parents to our biological child, but after 26 months of negative pregnancy tests, I think it's only human to doubt.

Hoping tomorrow I can have a better attitude and more faith.

Limbo Land

Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.

At this point, we are devastated and praying for a miracle.

It's all over but the shoutin'

I am just waiting. Its 1:00. I hope they will call by like 4...the latest they've ever called has been around 4:45. And that was on a busy Friday.

I know I've waited this long and can wait a few more hours, but, I'd sure like to POAS right now!!!

Dear Lord, Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period. Amen.

Less than 24 hours to go....

WOOT WOOT!!! I am so ready to just KNOW. Dare I say it...but the spotting has been very minimal so far today.

I am staying true to my mantra...

Dear Lord, please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

I think I must have said that about a million times last night - into the wee hours of morning. I was hoping He would get annoyed with me repeating it and shout down - FINE! STOP BEGGING! LOL.

My spirits are much better today, as they were yesterday. Saturday was just a rough day and I lost any sort of sanity I had been clinging to. We had dinner (if you want to call it that) with some friends Saturday night. They have a 4 month old. It was AWFUL. AWFUL times 1 million. The dad was a freak - he wouldn't even let me hold the baby. We stayed at their house less than 2 hours. These are people we used to vacation with. It was very sad to know that we've lost friends. It was just soooooo awkward. They have totally changed since the baby got here. Clearly, I know that some things must change when you have children - you can't take them to a bar and stay out till all hours. But this was beyond normal change....this was way beyond even a lot of change. This was like we were visiting total strangers. It was so uncomfortable.

I was already so upset about the spotting and then that just made it so much worse. We went to bed at 9:00 and I cried myself to sleep.

I am better now, though. Thank the Lord! We can survive 24 more hours of this.

Still Breathing

Well, I've made it another day. Tuesday can't come fast enough.

The spotting is still here. It's no better or worse than yesterday. Still brown, with no red signs. That at least, is good.

I am going into the office tomorrow to try and pass the day more quickly.

Thank you all for the comments. I am going to ask - scratch that - tell them to check my P4 on Tuesday along with my Beta.

Still praying. Still hoping. Still begging those embryos to be sticking and dividing.

Killing Me Softly...

With spotting. It started yesterday. My nurse said not to worry as long as it is brown. It is brown, but this is what I do every month for about 3 days before I start. I'm trying to remain positive, but all signs seems to be pointing towards period.

Please Lord, fulfill the desires of our heart with this IVF. Please let this be a healthy pregnancy and not a period.

7dp3dt

I love being totally obsessed with every twinge in my body. Its driving me mad.

There is a thunderstorm moving through the great state of Georgia right now - and nothing is on TV except this storm. I mean, come on people, it's rain. I say this, but I also pray that no one is injured in this rain. Its on my nerves, though.
My boobs aren't as sore as they were over the weekend and its bothering me. I called Sweeta Rita today and she said not to worry. I wonder why they don't test progesterone levels before the beta like I've read that other REs do. I tried to get her to let me come in Friday for my Beta, but she didn't bite. Darn! I didn't expect her to, but, I was hoping!

My cousin had this quote on her Facebook page and I copied it from her:

This may not be the way I would have chosen,

When You lead me through this world that's not my home.

But You never said it would be easy,

You only said I'd never go alone.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You,

Then I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

I love it. She sent me this link to the song where its from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw

This could very well be the song that gets me through the rest of this week.

Dear Embryo's - It's me, your Mom

Dear Embryo's -

It's me - your Mom. First, let me thank you for dividing last week. You are so beautiful and are already so loved by so many people. Thank you for cleaving and being so pretty.

Second, let me beg of you a few things.
Please be sticking in my womb - which I am trying very hard to make a wonderful environment for you. Your Dad is taking great pleasure is shooting progesterone oil in my ass every night for your comfort (not really - he wouldn't ever hurt me or you on purpose - and the shots don't really hurt! I'd do them all day everyday for the rest of my life if it meant I could keep you). I am not exercising - or even - GASP - playing the Wii - to try to motivate you to stick.
Please start making me vomit morning, noon and night.
Please let me know that you are sticking and that you will be my real live babies come this fall.

Also, Please forgive me for the small diet coke I had today. I promise to be a better mother than a caffeine drinking, chain smoking, junk food eating loser like the ones always on the 11 o'clock news. Forgive me for my momentary lapse in judgement. May the saccharine and caffeine only make you stronger!!!

Also, I promise not to always ask you to do things like I am in this first love letter to you. Nor, will I call my hiney an ass and tarnish your precious ears and mind. These are the things I promise to you from this letter on:

I will not be critical of your choices in life
I will be supportive of you
I will teach you how to be a loving human being and to respect our planet and all its beings
I will teach you to love and how to be loved
I will praise you for a job well done
I will correct you so that you can learn the difference between right and wrong
I will spoil you - but not to the detriment of your character
I will provide a safe environment for you to grow up in
I will make sure your siblings treat you kindly - even the furry ones :)
I will always buckle you in your car seat - with a few summer exceptions on the way to the pool
I will always be honest with you
I will protect you from as much as I can - but I will let go when the time is right and let you learn life lessons on your own
I will never try to insist you learn by my mistakes - we all need to make mistakes in this life
I will teach you the love of Jesus Christ
I will hold your hand until you want me to let go - but I will always be here to catch you if you fall
I will not let you sleep with me and your dad at night - but will definitely snuggle during nap time! Children and adults sleep better alone - and you will one day appreciate this
I will teach you the value of a dollar and of hard work
I will help you with your homework and college applications - but I will not just give you the answers

Most of all, I will love you with my entire being.

I cannot promise to never ask you to do anything, however, I will not make outrageous demands of you. This may be the most important thing I ever ask of you - Please - STICK BABIES STICK and let your Dad and me enjoy a lifetime of health and happiness with you!!!

All my love sweet little ones,
Mom

6dt3dt

AHH...someone talk me off the ledge. I am going crazy. I wish I could call Sweeta Rita and just get a blood test today. I wonder what they'd do if I showed up and acted like I got the day confused. Maybe they would humor me???

So - here's the root of my craziness:
I had a wicked upset stomach last night - which is abnormal for me. Nothing since then.
My boobs aren't as sore today as they were yesterday.
Not a ton of mucus, but not bone dry either.
Back was pretty sore yesterday, fine today.

I know there is no way to tell if any of this means anything...but my ass is sore from shots and I'm impatient as hell.

1 week to go. In 168 hours I should know. 10, 080 excruciating minutes.

Maybe I should just buy some stock in First Response and go buy me some freaking pee sticks.

Actually, I feel better already...maybe I just needed to bitch...

4dp3dt

Today is 4dp3dt. We are hanging in there. It helps to know that we are just 1 week and 1 day away from the Beta. Don Don Don...I am so terrified of that test.

Here are some things I am experiencing:
definitely some crampy feelings in my stomach - not bad like period cramps - but some kind of pressure or movement
SO TIRED - I took a 4 hour nap today
vaginal mucus
sore boobs
I got kind of dizzy today and had to lay down on the kitchen floor real fast because I thought I was going to pass out

I wish I could say that any one of these "symptoms" wasn't a direct side effect of the progesterone. Sigh....I wish I would get nauseous and then I could believe my HCG was rising :)

However, I do think it is good that my body seems to be absorbing the progesterone. I've done the suppositories before and had no side effects, which made me think it wasn't absorbing, so it wasn't working.

I have no tests at home, and I am trying to restrain from buying any. No P-ingOAS for me. Well, I hope not to POAS. We shall see which side of my brain wins that battle!!!!

Transfer Complete

McDonald's breakfast - check

No soap shower - check check

Fresh Pineapple waiting in the fridge - check check check

2 Embryos to transfer - CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!

Bed rest now and no exercise until the Beta on February 24th. Can I even survive until the 24th?

The Embryologist said I had 2 "beautiful" embryos. The 2nd guy was immature on Monday, but grew up fast and they ICSI'd him on Tuesday. Both had very little, if any, fragmentation. They didn't give me a grade, which I was kind of hoping for. However, it doesn't really matter. Even a poorly rated embryo can become a beautiful little girl - my boss's daughter is a perfect example of that.

Of course, I am 1 day in to our 2WW and I am totally analyzing every single twinge. I had some diarrhea last night - could the embryos be implanting? I am have some pressure in my stomach now - could it be happening now? Everyone tells me not to test early, but man, I'd like to start testing today!!

I mean, can't I just pay the DR to test me early and then again???? Wouldn't a rising progesterone indicate one way or the other? UGH....driving myself crazy!!!!

One Doesn't Have to be a Lonely Number

So, I've adjusted my attitude. One is more than we've ever had before. One is all we need to have One healthy baby. These are my positive thoughts:

1. The old RE said most of my follicles were empty. We measured 9 follies on Saturday and they retrieved 8 eggs. I'd say that *most* of my follicles are NOT empty.
2. We've never measured 9 follicles before.
3. 5 of those follies were mature
4. We do have ONE to put back, that is ONE more than we've ever put back before.
5. I responded really well this cycle.
6. I love Dr. K and Sweeta Rita - and I do believe they will be the DRs that bring us to the end of this journey - and positively get us there.

Now, I'd be crazy if I tried to say I wasn't disappointed. Yes, I wish that all 5 of the mature follies had fertilized. Yes, I wish we had 3 or 4 really nice embies to put back. But, I am not going to focus on my disappointment. No time for negative thoughts in this body.

Here is to a nice thick, sticky lining for my one embie to stick to. Here's to shots in the ass for 6 to 8 weeks. Here is to a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

I do have one question - what superstition have you heard about transfer day? What is this about McDonalds and pineapple and weird things to do for transfer? I want to know them all.

Here is to all my eggs (or should I say egg) in one basket! May my little embie not be lonely in my uterus. May he (or she!!) love it enough to stick around for 40 amazing weeks.

Afterall, ONE son saved the world, right?

Fertilization Report

Well, Sweeta Rita just called to give me the fert report. Here it is:

8 eggs retrieved
5 mature
1 fertilized
1 - 2 more could fertilize per the embryologist
Thursday transfer

Needless to say, I am disappointed. But, I am here only because 1 egg fertilized...and so are you. So, through my tears at this very moment, I know that the Lord is my Shepard. And, I know that He will carry me when the road is too tough for me to navigate on my own. And, I know He knows how much support we need.

I will be positive through this. It can still happen.

egg retrieval - check

We can check that off our list! The retrieval went well today. It was like being at a resort compared to the old doctor. I told Dr. K that I was going to name my babies after him. He probably thinks I'm insane. Oh well :) I mean it! He will totally deserve it!

We got 8 eggs today! WOOT WOOT!!! That's a lot for this ol' girl's ovaries!!! I am very pleased with that.

They will call me tomorrow with a fertilization report. And, I think we'll transfer on Thursday.

It is a beautiful day today, and I slept it all away, but I am sure my little eggs and R's sperm were wide awake and gettin' things done!!!

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness, for His names sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for though art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

50th Post

I had thought I'd do something creative for my 50th post, but, I think I'll just give an update on where we are and save something creative for number 100 :)

Saturday morning I had my last ultrasound. 9 follicles, lining at 7.5, estrogen at 2400. Looking pretty good for my pathetic little ovaries :)

We triggered at 8:30 Saturday night - HCG in my butt. The shot didn't hurt at all but my ass sure has been sore today!! It does relieve the anxiety about the progesterone shots.

Daddy's surgery went great! He is at home now and feeling OK for just having major surgery! Good news there!

I wish I was in a better mood right now, I feel like it would help me for tomorrow. Just take my advice - DO NOT EVER HAVE 3 DOGS. I don't, but there are 3 at my house tonight. Its so freaking annoying.

Here is to a great fertilization report tomorrow!

Cycle Day 9

Today is CD 9. I've been going to the DR almost daily. Let me say again how much I love them. All of them. Every person I have interacted with there has been a joy - except for the lab tech today - but, whatever. She wasn't mean - she just didn't give a shit. Oh, well. I don't think drawing blood for a living would be that great, either. The down and dirty:

7 follicles
estrogen still rising - ~900 and something today
Endo lining - 7 cm
Dr. K - very impressed with my response

I am pleased. I have a strange peace with this cycle. I don't know if its just because my Dad is having surgery tomorrow and that sort of put some perspective back into my life or what. This I do know - My Jesus saves. He will carry me when I cannot walk alone. We will survive this.

Daddy goes in for surgery tomorrow. He's going to be just fine and totally recovered and retired in time for the twins to arrive so he can babysit :)

IVF #3, Day 3

Today is Day 3 of IVF #3. I think it sounds kinda catchy :) I had my baseline yesterday. Slept like a DREAM the night before - which is odd - usually I toss and turn and totally stress out. It could be the lupron...

My Dad also had an appointment with a neuro-surgeon. Last week when I posted that a lot was going on, he didn't want anyone to know. So, since some of my IRL peeps have my blog, I had to respect his privacy. Long story short - he has a tumor on his spine but they think it is NOT cancer and just a fibrous tumor. He'll have surgery a week from today and a 3 month recovery period. We felt so much better after seeing the neuro-surgeon! It is still extremely serious, but we were so relieved to hear the Doc say that it probably isn't the big c.

I continue to LOVE LOVE LOVE my new RE. Even the receptionist is just the sweetest! Its so different there than the last place. They even warm the lube on the dildo for you! Now ladies - THAT IS SERVICE!!! hahaha. It was nice though, much better than the shock of the cold it normally is.

Drum roll please....

I had 27 antral follicles. Yes ma'am - I said 27!!!! That's right - 15 and 12.

Oh - and on my CD1 post - I said my beta would be 2/18 - I can't count. I think it will be 2/21 if ER is on 2/8.

Not to continue to compare my REs or my cycles - but my first IVF - I had 8 antral follicles. Needless to say, I wanted to hug my nurse!!!

Here's to many more positive days in the weeks to come!

CD 1 is Here!

Let the shooting up begin!

Is it masochistic to be excited about giving myself some shots?

This is my protocol:
Day 1 - Lupron .2cc
Day 2 - 5 - Lupron .2cc, Gonal F 300IU AM, Gonal F 225IU PM (day 5 reduce Lupron to 0.05cc)
Day 6 - Lupron .05 ccand Gonal F AM, ultrasound, BW, Gonal F dosage may change in the PM
Day 7 - 12 ultrasound, BW, Lupron, Gonal F AM and PM
Day 13 - retrieval
Day 16 - 19 - transfer
February 18th - POSITIVE BETA that will last 40 weeks!

Let's see if my optimism and positive attitude last. I hope it does.

"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
- St. Theresa

Its been one of those days. It started out pretty good - talked to my mom real quick, jumped on a conference call, then took my time getting started "really" working. Took a shower, had some lunch, invited my neighbor to Bunco next week, received my deliveries from NIKE, found out my best friend is pregnant - after trying for about a year. Yes, I am still envious of her, but, I *patiently* continue my stay God's waiting room, waiting for my number to be called. Then, something else happened. Something that makes me (dare I say it) try to barter with God to please let everything be ok. Out of respect for my family's wish, I will not say what is *wrong* - although we aren't really sure if anything is yet. So, if you know me IRL or virtually, and you have the capacity to add me to yet another one of your prayer lists, please just ask God to bless my family with good health. And if you only have room on your list to pray for me once, I'd prefer you to add the good health item instead of this IVF actually working.

On a more fun note, I had my first tennis team practice tonight. It was fun - and a very nice release from today. I wasn't the best or worst player out there - which was really nice. I got a few good shots in, too :)

Today is day 28 of my cycle...last month I had a 31 day cycle and the month before was 35. Maybe I'll start soon and can start shooting up! One thing I haven't mentioned...is that this month I had a positive ovulation test for 5 days. What the hell? Has anyone else ever had that? Do you know what it means? My nurse told me that she wanted to take note of it, but that it wouldn't effect my protocol. (BTW - should that be effect or affect? I never caught on to that rule in Language Arts...). I watched some videos online of girls doing PIO shots themselves, and must I say that I think I will totally boost my ego if I do that to myself!!! "What huge balls you have, self!!" Hahahahaha.

I have been a little out of touch this week - was in training Monday and Tuesday so wasn't online much (does that imply that I blog at work??) and have been reading but not really commenting or posting. That being said, I want to send some prayers to my fellow "Cycle Sistas" (lukcy girls - yall have a head start on me!) Brenda and Shelby. Also, please give Shelby some love, as she says goodbye to her awesome furry friend.

Show and Tell

If you are new to Show and Tell, go see the Stirrup Queen herself for instructions.

We are quickly approaching IVF #3 and picked up my drugs on Saturday.

Cost to me: $129.74

Cost to Insurance: probably a few thousand

What these drugs are worth to me if this IVF Works: PRICELESS!!!!!!

Here is to hoping that the 3rd time really is a charm.

On a side note, totally unrelated to Show and Tell - I needed a little retail therapy and some sinus medicine, so I headed to Target tonight. On my way home, this song came on the radio by Eric Church called 2 Pink Lines. The gist of the song is that these 2 18 year old kids are scared the chic is pregnant. They eventually find out she isn't and they are so relieved. I don't like to be that bitter bitch, but, are you fucking kidding me? This idiot actually convinced a girl to marry him on 1/8/08. I wonder if he'll ever have to regret this stupid song and embark on an infertility journey of his own. Jack ass.

IVF #3 is officially underway

First, I want to ask you to please go give Erin some much needed support. She got a negative beta today on her 5th IVF. She is a wonderful person who is having a hard time right now.

Today I had my appointment to discuss my IVF #3 protocol. It went really well. We did the trial transfer and then I spent about 20 minutes or so with my nurse going over the timing of everything. According to my severe TYPE A planning, I should be starting this shebang on or around January 25th with retrieval somewhere between February 5th - 8th. I think the protocol we are using is called a Flare Protocol. No BCPs for me - THANK GOODNESS - they gave me such bad heartburn last time. One day 1 I will begin Lupron and an antibiotic. On day 2, I'll add 2 injections of Gonal-F. This will continue until Day 6 when I have my first ultrasound. Antibiotic stops after day 7. They will adjust my meds after the Day 6 ultrasound if needed. Then, we'll plan for a day 13 retrieval, day 16 transfer and day 18 cryo-preservation. Sounds pretty perfect, huh? One can hope....

I really like my new clinic. On my protocol sheet, they even tell us the last time we can "do it". That's pretty funny - who wants to have sex when you are in the middle of an IVF cycle? Maybe it's just me....but that made me laugh.

Sweet Rita, my nurse, was very patient with all of my questions. We discussed the fact that I'll do Pogesterone Oil this time, which I've never done before. She said she'd teach R how to do it and then show him again a day or 2 before retrieval, so it would be fresh on his mind. She also was super positive. She said - You'll do the Progesterone Oil beginning the day after retrieval until you are about 6 weeks pregnant or more. Wow - the old clinic would have never said that. She just put a very positive spin on everything. The woman is a gem!

So - a few questions for my fellow IF sisters -

1. Have you ever done a protocol similar to this?
2. Have you used Gonal-F? I've only used Follistim or Menopur in the past.
3. Any weird things I can do to make this cycle better than the past ones? I'm taking Omega 3 Fish Oil and seeing a chiropractor/nutrionist.
4. Any advice on the Progesterone Oil? This seems pretty scary to have an IM shot...
5. I have a box of 21 - 100mg Endometrin vaginal inserts. Anyone need them? You can just post a comment with your email address or email me at tara-dot-smith-dot-adkisson at g-mail dot com.

Also, wanted to share a bible verse I found on a blog this week. I saved it and have been reading it and focusing on it a lot the past few days.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bone. Proverbs 14:30

Love to you all!

**Correction - I have 2 boxes of the endometrin if you need them.***

Blah Thursday

Ugh - I am so BLAH today. I can't really describe it as depressed, but just not super excited either. I feel like I am not making any forward progress...although we are on the heels of IVF #3. Stupid Old RE emailed me today that I could pick up my records. Wow - I thought it took a week?! Amazing what 1 email can do. R goes in for his SA tomorrow. I go in for my protocol and trial transfer on Tuesday. We are making progress, I know it in my head. My heart just feels like we've wasted the past 3 months (including this cycle I am waiting to start). Maybe the best things really do come to those who wait...but my cynical heart isn't letting me believe that. I lie awake in bed at night worrying about what will we do if this one doesn't work. I've been reading blogs about fertilization rates of you out there - my sisters on this awful journey - and I am hoping I'll have such luck to actually have eggs to retrieve and have them fertilize to even put back. Oh, poor, poor, pitiful me. I just want to fast forward to the end of February and see if I am really going to live through this next month or not. A crystal ball would come in handy about right now, if you have one handy.

I hope I will have restored hope when my period actually starts in a couple weeks. I'm just so freaking scared that this cycle will be just as terrible as the last. I am even totally stressing about R's SA analysis - WTF? I've never had a seconds thought about them before.

Maybe tomorrow will be better - I can at least muster a little hope for that. I'm sorry for the self-consumed, depressing post. For sure, tomorrow is gonna be better...

The Angry Infertile in me is back...

Or, maybe I should say the extremely pissed off infertile is back. I had a similar encounter today with my old RE clinic as Polly had Monday. I like how she said it - "What kind of monkey shop are you running here??"

A little background:
We are finally nearing the end of un-medicated, pretending to be normal people and are within weeks of beginning our next, and third, IVF with our new RE - Dr. K. I called my new nurse today, sweet Rita, to make an appointment to discuss our protocol. Turns out, R needs a semen analysis with their lab, so Rita and I scheduled that appointment. Dr. K couldn't see me the same day, so my appointment is Tuesday (R's is Friday). Then, Rita tells me that my old RE has yet to send the remainder of my file to them and they haven't sent anything over on R. SERIOUSLY? I requested his 12/1 and mine weeks before that.

I hang up with Rita and call the old RE to leave a message - because they never answer the freaking phone. This chick calls me back (during my weekly team call and I have to put my manager on hold) and says, "We've sent your information 3 times now. You have to re-fax your medical release (don't worry - when I sent it over the first 3 times I put an expiration date of like 6.1.09 - but, noooo...they need it again). I argued with her, but basically gave in to get my boss off of hold. Whatever. So, I send it back after explaining to her that she would not need to send me my records for a 4th time if they'd just included everything the first time. 15 minutes later I get this email:

Good day Ms. R's wife,
As per our phone conversation a moment ago, I will need to have a new "Signed Medical Record Release Form" (see attachment) from you indicating "Infectious Disease" in order for us to provide that information again. Additionally may I suggest that you allow us to send your records to you directly so that you can copy and distribute as needed.
I am sorry that you appear to be dissatisfied with our process. Our records show that we provided your Medical Records as per your request on the following dates:
08/18/2008
10/29/2008
12/01/2008
Your request below would represent the 4th. time we would be requested to provide your records and your further request via phone earlier that this be provided immediately is unfortunately not possible. For your protection and in observance of HIPPA LAWS, we do not keep hard copies of patients medical records once a request has been satisfied. I will process your additional request once the completed attachment is returned to us at 770-WE-SUCK. Remember that our standard processing time is 5 business days.

Have a wonderful day.
Dumb Ass

NO. SHE. DIDN'T. My blood pressure must have been 800 over 500. "I am sorry that you appear to be dissatisfied with our process" - appear? Sweetheart, if you don't know I am dissatisfied (is that a word? or is it unsatisfied??) maybe you are the one who needs to see a doctor. She also copied her boss on the email, who was surprisingly out of the office today. Go figure. On a side note, I had called my old IVF nurse there twice by this time, asking for her help. It's 8:45 PM now, and she still hasn't called back. I find it hard to believe she was that busy. Anyway, my response:

Dumb and Dumber -

The release form I just faxed in today is for infectious diseases for both my husband and me.

I AM dissatisfied - with the entire practice. I started this infertility journey over 2 years ago and was referred to your practice with a glowing recommendation from my OB/GYN. From the beginning, my calls were always taken at your convenience and my questions were answered with as little detail as possible. In January of last year when I first visited {Insert Old RE here}, my diagnosis was viewed as "very easily solved". After a chemical pregnancy in March, I was given little comfort or information on what exactly was happening with my body. After 1 failed IVF attempt, I was told at 29 that the only way I would ever get pregnant was by donor egg. After that IVF, I basically had to tell my doctors what protocol I wanted to use and what route I wanted to take - try IVF again or go back to IUI. What had seemed at the outset a very "easy" problem to solve became a doom and gloom situation every time I spoke to someone at your office. From the first blood test results, every encounter I had with anyone on you staff was a negative experience.

While this is a job for you and you are around hormone enraged women every day on their life's quest to become a Mother, this is MY LIFE. My husband and I are trying to grow our family with very little success - something no one ever dreams would happen. I've wanted to be a mother from the day I was born and your practice has, in so many words, told me that I will never have a biological child of my own. As I try to move on with my life and away from your practice, I continue to have negative experiences. All I want is my ENTIRE medical information from your practice - including my husband's. An ENTIRE medical information pack would include items such as:

Infectious Diseases
Cystic Fibrosis Testing
Semen Analysis
Lab Log
Procedure Documentation
Any other records you have about me or my spouse - since I am not a medical professional - I may not know the medical jargon

While becoming a mother has been a struggle for me, THIS shouldn't be a struggle - to obtain my medical information that you have at your practice. I should not have to be a medically trained professional to request an entire medical information package from my experiences as your patient.

I have had to continue to request this information because you have either not provided it to Dr. K at my request or you did not provide my entire file to me when I requested it be sent to me. If you will just send me every ounce of information you have on me or my spouse, I can move on with my life and not ever have to deal with {Insert Old RE here} again.

Please send all information to me at 867-5309 **(don't you love my number??)** as I requested in my Medical Release Form fax today.

Thank you (I really wanted to close with Eat Shit - but, you know, in the kindest way possible),
Tara

Really people? You're protecting me by not giving me or my new RE the records we need to move forward? HIPPA can kiss my ass - I think my email requesting this information MULTIPLE times would pass an audit. Also infuriating is the fact that you basically have to be a friggin' doctor to request your "Entire Medical Record" by asking for specific things. People, I have an accounting degree. Give me some numbers - I am cool. Give me some bullshit Latin term that means something as universal as "Hello" and I am lost and I don't care about finding my way back. If its fucking rocket science to request your medical records, why not give your patients a list with items to check off that they may want on the medical release form? Is it not suffice to say - "Hey - I'm leaving your practice. You have wasted an entire year of my life and I have been miserable every single time I've had to see your face, speak your name, see your number on my caller ID or hear your latest string of bad news - please give me my medical file so I can take it to a doctor that might actually be able to get me pregnant."

Well, I feel better. I told you - SHE'S BAAAAAAAAACK.....

**Update - my old IVF nurse did actually call me back yesterday. I just didn't check my voicemail until midnight last night. I hate voicemail, so it's a wonder I even checked it then. So, maybe she doesn't suck quite as bad as I thought.

Who am I kidding? She's the one who said to me over the summer - "Well, at least you know you've tried everything possible." (This was before we tried IVF for the 2nd time. Really? 1 failed IVF lady? With no fertilization and no chance to even SEE if my body would accept some embys? Yep...she still sucks.

Yes, without a doubt....SHE'S BACK! Welcome home, ol' girl!!!

Show and Tell

I've been MIA lately, but I've been lurking. I'm glad we've all survived the Holidays and have moved into 2009 - which, I pray will be better.

Welcome to Show and Tell - (I haven't participated lately) - if you have never participated, pop over to Mel's to see what's going on.

In honor of the new year, and wanting to start this new year with a clean (or, maybe just cleaner...) slate, we've done a bit of redecorating. Hopefully, my ovaries will follow suit and pugh those good follicles to the front of the class!!! Unfortunately, I don't have any before pictures...but...here goes!

Mom and I made drapes for my breakfast area - R hung them today:

Before, we just had the blinds hanging. We found this fabric at Pottery Barn and my MIL bought me a few yards for Christmas. I love it!

Next, we got a new painting for our mantle. My sister's friend painted it - I love it! Here is the redecorated mantle:Before, the mantle was very traditional - mirror, clock, a few pictures. It was getting very dull to me and on my nerves! I was ready for a change!

What are you showing today?

I'm Here...

I feel like a loser because I haven't been posting lately. I just don't feel like I have anything to say - we're just waiting right now. I'll visit Dr. K when my December period begins and then we'll start IVF #3 with January period. Right now, I just feel like I don't have much to say....

But, I'm Here :) Keeping up with all of you, praying for Antigone, praying for precious Erin and IVF #5, praying for Lisa as she gets through these holidays after another loss. I'm here - cheering you all on.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a 2009 that is better for us all - in all of the individual ways we need it to be better.

Cheesey, but, this is my wish for 2009 - for each and every one of us.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice,
and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.

Much love,
Tara

Praying for Grace

Today is Tuesday. Yep - I've been the proud recipient of 3 pregnancy announcements this week. I hate feeling sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I would NEVER be-grudge anyone the happiness related to such news. I just feel so sad for me and R when I hear it. My friend at work told me today that they are expecting. They had a miscarriage this summer and he talked to me about it then and we both cried. Today, he was so sweet and compassionate. I really appreciated his approach at letting me know. We went for a walk outside and he seemed so nervous. What a true and caring friend to have such heart with me when it is such a happy time for him.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:

Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.

To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.

I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.

As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.

In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.

In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.

Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!

So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”

Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.

So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.

I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.

And the winner is...

Shelby! Shelby has been struggling with IF for 4 years. She's a trooper. I'm glad that she is my friend - even if only virtually :)

Much love Shelby. I hope this will be the cycle that begins a new chapter in your life.

When is enough - enough?

I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:

1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.

Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?

At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?

Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.

So, I am seeking your opinion.

When is enough - enough?

December 1, 2008

My baby would be due today. Instead of being the best day of my life, December 1st will always be a sad day.

What a decent day...

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! I'm sitting here with my R, mom and the dogs. One of which (the dogs - not R or Mom :)) will not get out of my chair and is hindering my ability to type and surf my blogs :)

Let me clarify - no one said anything rude to me about the Total Shock post - I just kept thinking about it and feeling guilty for complaining. A LOT of money was spent on my body with no results, it was my benefit, but the $20K did not come out of my pocket. We spent some money, but nothing we had to go into debt for. I just felt guilty because I know how people go into debt going through this nightmare. So, I just wanted to apologize - I have little room to complain about money in IF treatment.

My bloodwork at the new RE today was a delightful experience. First, I told the receptionist that it was my 2nd time visiting the office and that I wasn't sure what to do. She was so lovely - just as sweet as she could be and explained everything I needed to do. Then, the bloodwork lady was nice and gentle. No bruising! The checkout lady was super, too! Three out of three!!

Even better news is that my FSH came back.......8.8! (I think - 8.8 or 8.4 - I was too excited - I'll have to ask again). So, that is down from 10.4 in January 2008. She said the "normal" range for them is 3.9 to 8.8 so I was at the very top of normal. I'll take it!

Positive experience all around.

A Season of Giving...

I'm not sure if I am approaching this correctly, but, I am still a relatively new blogger. Please bear with me.

First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.

So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).

That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.

The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!

On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.

Speak Out, Speak Up Award

Another Dreamer and the ever fabulous Shelby nominated me for an award. Thank you :)

It has taken me a few days to respond because I have been a lazy person this week. Not just when it comes to blogging - but just in general! The spirit of this award is to acknowledge those who are open about our struggle with infertility. I am open to a point that sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything. So much assvice out there!!!

For more information, read this wonderful post that describes infertility struggles perfectly - with some humor thrown in :) I'd like to add this one to the list:

• If you've ever heard the statement - "Just adopt - then it will work for you" and wanted to punch the person in the face (humor my violence :) )

Rules for posting award:

1. Link to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award

2. Nominate others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up!!

Here you go ladies:

Erin

Polly

Brenda

Total Shock

So, today I noticed this letter on the counter from my insurance company. I'm looking over it and kinda not understanding what the hell it means. I went online and started reviewing my EOBs (explanation of benefits) and on one it said - You have reached your maximum benefit. This charge is not covered.

WHAT??????

So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.

And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.

I am baffled.

I am sad.

I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.

I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).

I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.

I know I am lucky to have another chance.

I am scared that my second chance won't work.

I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.

I am in Total Shock.

Show And Tell

Show and Tell is here again! How quickly the week flies by! If you want more information, please visit Mel.

My 30th birthday was yesterday - and we had a wonderful day! R had a party for me and on Friday night, he surprised me with a scavenger hunt! I knew I was getting jewelry for my birthday, but wasn't positive about which item he picked. So, Friday night about 11:30, he gave me a sweet card. Also in the envelope was an index card with my first clue! He sent me all over the house - several times over - and then I came downstairs one last time and he had a ribbon tied around Sidda's neck and the other end around Buffett's (our dogs). He had the ring box hanging in the middle. It was the sweetest and possibly most romantic thing he's done since we got engaged!!! Here is a picture - I put the ring on my left hand to take a picture - but I am wearing it on my right. My skin looks kinda scary so close up - but oh well :) I share my darkest secrets here - might as well share the pores of my skin!!!!

Happy Show and Tell!

Wendy gave me the I heart your blog award. I love reading her blog and keeping up with her story. She is currently pursuing adoption and has such a positive outlook - which we can lose all too easily along this IF journey. She is such a sweetheart!

The way this works is - I answer the questions below with a 1 word response and pass the reward on to 7 others.

1. Where is your cell phone? near

2. Where is your significant other? bed

3. Your hair color? colored!

4. Your mother? sweetest

5. Your father? soft-hearted

6. Your favorite thing? family

7. Your dream last night? None

8. Your dream/goal? Happily-ever-after

9. The room you're in? den

10. Your hobby? shopping

11. Your fear? infertility

12. Where do you want to be in six years? happy

13. Where were you last night? celebrating

14. What you're not? pregnant

15. One of your wish list items? children

16. Where you grew up? Georgia

17. The last thing you did? rest

18. What are you wearing? pajamas

19. Your T.V.? HGTV

20. Your pet? 3

21. Your computer? laptop

22. Your mood? fine

23. Missing someone? Marlin

24. Your car? SUV

25. Something you're not wearing? bra

26. Favorite store? Loft

27. Your Summer? sad

28. Love someone? absolutely

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? October

My virtual friends have mostly been tagged! So, I don't want to re-tag. Here are my friends that I love that haven't yet been tagged:

Shelby - http://dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/

Another Dreamer - http://anunwantedpath.blogspot.com/

Hope2morrow - http://infertilityhope2morrow.blogspot.com/

Antigone Lost

This is for my friend Antigone. She has an amazing story and will meet her sweet little one in January. Here's to you, Antigone! May your future with Perseus be as wonderful as I think you are!

Wednesday of Birthday Week

Well, today is Wednesday of Birthday Week. Its been a rather un-Birthday like week, though :( Work is INSANE and even though it's 11PM, I should still be working. I just didn't have it in me anymore. I meant to call the chiropractor today and ran out of time. I am only going to work a 1/2 day on Friday, so, I hope she can see me early afternoon time.

Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.

I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.

I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!

So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?

Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.

Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!

I've been MIA

So, I should be doing my Show and Tell, but, I think I only have one post in me tonight. I've been MIA...and there is no excuse. Not much has been going on - and I've certainly been keeping up with all of you. Our last negative was certainly more difficult and has taken us longer to recover from than either of us expected or wanted to admit. This whole waiting until January thing is so frustrating to me. I feel like we are in the exact same place as we were last year. We were waiting to meet with our RE in January. Here we are again. I know we have learned a lot over the past 10 months, but damn if it doesn't piss me off that we are no better off now than 1 year ago. Clearly, my annoyance is shining through.

I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?

I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.

I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.

All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?

Show and Tell

Welcome to Show and Tell! If you would like to participate, please click here.

This week, I am sharing my favorite picture of my flowers. R and I are always working in our yard. We love it...and are a little obsessed with it looking nice. It such instant gratification to plant annuals...but my favorite thing to plant is bulbs. They are always so surprising and beautiful. Its like you almost forget about them and then they start peeking up reaching for the sun :) I get so excited in March when my Jonquils start peeking through the mulch. So here goes....

We have framed some pictures of our flowers and have them hanging in our master bedroom. Here is my second favorite - its the blooms from our Forsythia bush...

Hope you enjoy viewing my artistic outlet :) Happy Show and Tell!

Manic Monday

Let me tell you how much I love Mel's open bar :) An open bar is always where I want to be...

Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.

This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!

Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)

Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.

Show and Tell

To participate in the fun of Show and Tell, click here.

Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....


So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.

Moving On

Today I woke up at 5AM and knew I was starting my period. I was too tired to give a shit, in all honesty. When I did get up, I was really glad that I was able to wear jeans to our off site meeting for work today. AF came in with a vengeance. I was totally thinking I was PG on Monday night - my back was hurting SO BAD - like it did when I was PG for those 2 glorious days in March. Of course, then, I cried and worried that it would be another chemical since my back was hurting so bad. Anyway, none of that matters now. I am glad that I stopped the progesterone suppositories on Sunday after the negative POAS. I am glad that I POAS - it at least prepared me somewhat for yesterday. Don't get me wrong - I always hold on until the very last shred of hope is lost. I was still devastated when she called. I could tell just by her tone of voice when she said hello to me.

My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.

R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.

In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.

Same old song and dance

BFN. I don't have much else to say. It's just the same story, different month.

Of Course...

I POAS this morning and it was negative. There is a 51 - 82% chance that the test is accurate. Definitely bummed....

Show and Tell

I am participating in Mel's Show and Tell. For information on how to particpate, click here.

As I said in my last post, I feel like I've been excluding a major part of my life in my blog....My pets. We have 2 dogs and a rescued cat. Our dogs live inside and are basically people :). Our cat, Garfield, lives outside and likes to think she owns the street we live on. She lays in the street and refuses to move when cars come by. It's not a rare occasion for us to hear someone honking their horn to try to get her to move...she's a queen.

Our oldest dog is a lab and her name is Sidda (from Ya-Ya - aren't you surprised?). We got her July 30th 2003 - a couple of months after we got engaged. She really thinks she's human and refuses to play with our younger dog and her litter mate - who my sister has - Baxter. Sidda loves her Daddy more than anyone. She gets nervous when we are at my parents or R's parents because she doesn't want us to leave her. Her favorite place to be is R's parent's lake house. She LOVES the water and swims from sun up to sun down - or when we insist that she take a break and take her inside.

Our "baby" is a springer spaniel. We have had him just a little over a year now. We got both of our dogs when they were 8 - 10 weeks old. His name is Buffett (think Jimmy!). He's super funny and my niece is in love with him. They play so much and he is so gentle with her. R really wanted another dog and kept sending me links to puppies for sale. One day, I was worn down enough to go and "see" the puppies. The was never a question in my mind that we'd come home empty handed. We named him on the way to get him, just like we had done for Sidda. I cried the first few mornings and thought we must have lost our minds as he would poop in the bathroom floor but not outside. Luckily, he was trained pretty quickly and it became evident that our lives would never be the same again! He loves Sidda so much and has really been good for her. She is much more active and has lost a few pounds since he's been around.

If Sidda and Buffett were really humans, Sidda would be our shy girl and would like to stay at home with us. Buffett would be our social butterfly and he would probably always have friends over or be at a friend's house.

Here is the picture from our Christmas card last year:

Home at Last

I am finally home after a week on the road. It was a fun week, but it's always so nice to come home.

Chicago was OK - I got away without drinking all night and no one noticed. My meetings were productive and I got in some shopping.

St. Augustine was great! The weather was perfect! High 80's - can you believe it? I even got to lay out in the sun for a while (I was still having to work down there, so, couldn't play as much as I would've liked). I had a good time with my parents and my sister and niece. My niece is 3 and is soooo stinkin' sweet. She heals my heart - even at 5AM when she says, "Morning Tata. Sunshine's out. Wanna go play?" She's so funny. She finally got in bed with me that morning (a twin size - with me and her - comfy :) ) and we went back to sleep for a while.

My blood test is Tuesday. I am both dreading it and anticipating it with a hopeful heart. R and I went and bought a couple of tests tonight - I am hoping to muster the courage to POAS tomorrow morning. I guess if it's negative it will soften the blow on Tuesday. I've been doing the progesterone suppositories, so, any symptoms I would think I had, is probably the progesterone. My breasts are a little tender and I am sleepy - both side effects of elevated progesterone. One thing that seems a little different is that I have been super thirsty. Not sure what that is about. Its sadistic, but, I find it easier to wait on a BFN than to wait on my cycle to start.

I hope to have more grace in the moment this time - with the loving hand of my new friend Zoloft - I definitely think she's helping. Hopefully, I will never regret having taken this medicine - if we ever adopt or it has some crazy long term side effects. Surely, adoption agencies understand this type of stress? It's too much to worry about, but, it does linger in my mind.

R had 2 surprises for me when we got home. First, he programmed my car to open the garage door by pushing a button in the car instead of having the extra garage door remote. I've been trying to get that function to work since we got this car in April!! It's a little thing, but, its fun and I like it. It was sweet of him to take the time to do it. Second, he got our youngest dog's hair cut. I have been feeling like I've neglected a major part of my life in my blog by not mentioning my pets! I think I'll start Mel's Show and Tell this week and introduce you to our "kids".

I've missed blogging this week. I've kept up with you all, though, and am glad to be back!

IUI #5

This is my new math equation - and I am hoping it balances:

4 follicles, 2 IUIs, 13M sperm, 4 antibiotics, 14 days waiting = 1 healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby(ies) that will live a long, healthy, happy life

I think it's reasonable. Don't you?

FYI - I didn't go to tennis :) It was my gut instinct to not go, but nice to hear others would have done the same. Sometimes I think I am being overly cautious, so knowing others would have skipped, too, was helpful!!

I start prometrium suppositories twice per day on Friday. We ordered them for my IVF cycles, but I never made it far enough to actually use them.

I am hopeful and trying not to spaz out. The waiting, I think, is the worst part. Hopefully, the days will pass quickly, as next week is pretty busy (I'll be in Chicago the first part of the week and St. Augustine the last half).

Here's to HOPE!!!

**correction - I am starting Endometrin on Friday. I finally got it out of the closet its been sitting in for months!!!

IUI tomorrow and Wednesday - Advice PLEASE!

Well, the DR just called and my estrogen is 1125. The DR said today that of the follicles we can see - probably 4 of them will give us a chance. I trigger tonight between 8 and 10. We'll do 2 IUIs this month - tomorrow at 11 (R has to donate at 9) and Wednesday - likely around the same time. I am nervous.

I need your help, though. I have tennis lessons on Tuesday nights. It's not strenuous exercise at all - mostly just standing around. There are 6 other girls in the class, so, at the most, I get to hit like 12 times. Do you think I should go or skip it? I've always tried to take it easy in the past, but, that hasn't done me much good! I'd like to know what you think.

Thanks!

Day 6 of stims update

I went in for my ultrasound this morning and it went well. I had 3 good size follicles on the right and 2 good size ones on the left. There were others on the right, but too small to mature into anything. Estrogen came back at either 517 or 571 - I can't remember what she said. Either way - it was pretty good (considering last time we tried it didn't break 150)!!

Next appointment is Monday at 8AM.

I just pray that this will be our month. I am emotionally invested in this cycle - I wasn't in the 2nd IVF cycle - I just had a gut feel about that one. I am really hoping for this one.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)

Day 5 of IUI #5

Today is day 5 of IUI #5. Maybe it's more like day 3 - since tonight was my 3rd shot. I can't figure out how to count the days during Fertility Treatment. I understand DPO (days past ovulation) but I don't know how to count them in the beginning - especially with IVF. Anywho....

I started the Zoloft Monday afternoon. I'm taking 1/2 a pill every day for a week and then a whole pill after that. Monday was strange. I was sooooooo chillaxed (haha - makes me sound like a Gen Y kid...). I had to lay down for a while, even. It definitely took the edge off for my first injection - since it's been a while since I had any shots. Needless to say, the first shot for this cycle went off without a hitch. After dinner I felt a little more normal. It was kinda funny. Tuesday, the Zoloft didn't knock me out as bad, but I was very easily distracted. I would be responding to an email and get an instant message and forget what I was doing. Tuesday night shot went well, again. Today, I was still easily distracted, but less so than Tuesday. Shot tonight was fine, too. No bruising yet - that's nice :)

Side effects so far = hot flashes. BUT - I've been having them pretty much since the last IVF was cancelled. I am always kinda prone to them - I've always had them when I was on my periods and just before I start. So, maybe not a side effect. Tonight after dinner, R and I went to play tennis. We walked to the park - about 10 minute walk - and on the way home - I had those debilitating stomach cramps. I wasn't sure if I could make it home - embarrassing. Luckily, I did - and am hoping it means the Follistim is working. I hope its not a reaction to the Zoloft.

I really feel better with the Zoloft - even if its only been a couple of days. Maybe its a mental thing - but, I don't care :) I am glad to feel better! No tears since Monday at the REs office when I asked for it! YAY!!!

I am a little nervous about Saturday - just hoping I have some follicles growing. Who am I kidding? I just want THE ONE to be growing. 2 days to go...I'm praying "Please let this be the cycle we get pregnant with a healthy baby that will live a long, healthy life" (Can you tell that I feel the need to be very specific? No more praying to just get pregnant with this cycle - that, I have learned, is not enough!). My Hope has returned - albeit with a heart that is trying to guard itself. Thank the Lord!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Enlisted by Antigone - please read below and join.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.